Imagine one day you're going about your normal activities and suddenly everything goes black. Pitch black. You get sharp pains in your chest, ones that resemble those of a heart attack. You can hear everything and everyone around you, but you can't see anything. You try to move and you're quickly pulled back to your original position. You're paralyzed. This goes on for approximately thirty seconds to a minute, but in the moment it feels like so much longer. Imagine seeing two people talking and immediately thinking it's about you. Imagine being stressed over things that don't even exist. Imagine feeling all alone. You find yourself trapped in your own body and surrounded by this overwhelming darkness with no escape.
That, my friends, is what it feels like to have an Anxiety disorder, both figuratively and literally.
My junior year of high school was about as stressful as it could be. Like any other seventeen year old, I was looking at possible colleges and making plans for what I would do after high school, but then my grandfather died. In the mix of all this, I started having very strong chest pains. Thinking it was heartburn, I tried taking over-the-counter medicines to no relief. One weekend I woke up and sat up to turn on the TV and suddenly, everything went black. I fell backwards onto my pillow and each time I tried to sit up, I didn't go anywhere. I could hear the TV, but I couldn't see it. Finally after what felt like forever, everything came back into view and I went on with my day, brushing off what had just occurred.
The following week, I again started having the strong chest pains while I was at school. At that point, my dad and I decided enough was enough, he called the doctor and was told to get me to the ER immediately. I remember having to leave in the middle of my photography class and walking into Stormont Vail's very full ER waiting room. There were a lot of people, all of whom had arrived before me, but being as chest pains take priority, I was taken back as soon as I got there. After a series of tests, they ruled out the possibility of any heart problems. At this time, we realized I had been having panic attacks. Now, most people who are uninformed about panic attacks view them as the thing the "weird" kids have that require them to breathe into a brown paper bag, as we used to see on TV when we were younger. Here I was feeling like I had an elephant sitting on my chest and thinking I was having heart problems at seventeen years old when actually I was having anxiety attacks. Finally, the hard part was over and I had a diagnosis. I was then able to start therapy, where I learned how to deal with my anxiety.
Through counseling, I learned about the "Fight or Flight" response that was taking place inside of me each time I had an attack. During an attack, the body is faced with the decision of whether to fight what is making it anxious or to tuck tail and run from it. This decision is the same decision I was faced with, I could fight my anxiety or I could try to deny its existence and run.
An Anxiety disorder is NOT a death sentence, nor does it mean you're doomed for the rest of your life. It's just a part of who you are and you can choose to run from it or cope with it. The thing most people don't know about anxiety is that there's also a certain amount of depression that comes along with the anxiety. I go through periods where I feel anxious and on-edge, typically when I'm very overwhelmed with stress and there are times when I feel depressed for no reason at all, but there are also the good times when I feel completely stable like I can actually enjoy what each day has to offer and I feel as if I'm finally "normal". Living with the uncertainty of how I'm going to feel from one day to the next and not knowing what is going to send me into a panic attack is difficult, but with the help of a wonderful support group, I'm managing as best as I can and taking each day at a time while enjoying this crazy, beautiful thing called "life".
My Anxiety disorder has been challenging to deal with at times, but it has made me stronger. Of course, It's been a long road and there are still bumps that appear occasionally, but I'm living life to the fullest and not letting my mental illness define me. Yes, I have an Anxiety disorder, but I'm not a victim; I'm a survivor!
If you are experiencing anxiety, depression, or any other mental illness, please know you are not alone and no one deserves to suffer in silence!
"Keep smiling because life is a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about."- Marilyn Monroe
