What It Feels Like When No One Understands

What It Feels Like When No One Understands

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Living with chronic illness is many things, but among the most painful, it is isolating. No one around me can truly understand what I am going through. It's not that I don't think they're trying to understand. It's that I know there's no way they can.

No one else feels what I feel. No one hears the cacophony of pain I am forced to listen to with no option of a pause button. No one sits in the fear of "what will happen next?" the same way I do with my body. No one experiences the panic and the sadness and the struggle like I do. No one else can, and I can't think of many things that feel more lonely than this.

It makes me angry when I can't seem to connect with the people who try so hard to empathize. I want to be able to say, "yes, thank you for understanding," and yet there is this critic inside my head that taunts, "they're just saying that; they'll never be able to." And I find myself withdrawing. I am isolated.

I have tried to make sense of this reality. I have tried to find the balance of sharing so people know, but giving grace for when they cannot. I have tried to be real. And yet there is no way out of this isolation, because no matter how raw and honest I try to be, no one can fully fit in that space with me.

I titled this "What it Feels like When No One Understands," and I am doing a poor job of living up to that title, because it is impossible to describe how it feels when no one can understand what you are going through.

I feel I have to be isolated, because otherwise I am too little and too much at the same time. If I let people in, I will disappoint. I will scare. I will worry. If I be myself, if I sit in the pain with people, if I am raw with them, then they will see, and they will not want to stay. And this reality is beyond terrifying.

Cover Image Credit: Artem Kovalev

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I'm A Woman And You Can't Convince Me Breastfeeding In Public Is OK In 2019

Sorry, not sorry.

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Lately, I have seen so many people going off on social media about how people shouldn't be upset with mothers breastfeeding in public. You know what? I disagree.

There's a huge difference between being modest while breastfeeding and just being straight up careless, trashy and disrespectful to those around you. Why don't you try popping out a boob without a baby attached to it and see how long it takes for you to get arrested for public indecency? Strange how that works, right?

So many people talking about it bring up the point of how we shouldn't "sexualize" breastfeeding and seeing a woman's breasts while doing so. Actually, all of these people are missing the point. It's not sexual, it's just purely immodest and disrespectful.

If you see a girl in a shirt cut too low, you call her a slut. If you see a celebrity post a nude photo, you call them immodest and a terrible role model. What makes you think that pulling out a breast in the middle of public is different, regardless of what you're doing with it?

If I'm eating in a restaurant, I would be disgusted if the person at the table next to me had their bare feet out while they were eating. It's just not appropriate. Neither is pulling out your breast for the entire general public to see.

Nobody asked you to put a blanket over your kid's head to feed them. Nobody asked you to go feed them in a dirty bathroom. But you don't need to basically be topless to feed your kid. Growing up, I watched my mom feed my younger siblings in public. She never shied away from it, but the way she did it was always tasteful and never drew attention. She would cover herself up while doing it. She would make sure that nothing inappropriate could be seen. She was lowkey about it.

Mindblowing, right? Wait, you can actually breastfeed in public and not have to show everyone what you're doing? What a revolutionary idea!

There is nothing wrong with feeding your baby. It's something you need to do, it's a part of life. But there is definitely something wrong with thinking it's fine to expose yourself to the entire world while doing it. Nobody wants to see it. Nobody cares if you're feeding your kid. Nobody cares if you're trying to make some sort of weird "feminist" statement by showing them your boobs.

Cover up. Be modest. Be mindful. Be respectful. Don't want to see my boobs? Good, I don't want to see yours either. Hard to believe, I know.

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Don't Waste Your Life Waiting For Love

Love comes at different times for different people.

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I believe that I am a little slow with advancements, especially when it comes to socializing with technology. Yeah, sure, we all enjoy our share of dopamine boosts every time Instagram beeps. God knows how many stories are spun in the inboxes of apps and most of them suffer a slow death therein. That vivid and vibrant page of yours could be the highlight of your story(life) but is not all of you.

Those tiny little hearts can make up for a good profile or a bad mood but they definitely do not mean validation for your choices or actions. Why do we need to celebrate a feeling in a certain way? Why is there pressure to be happy; or at least to appear happy?

Why are there only those defining factors that decide if we are happy? Some find love sooner some later in their life and some don't; doesn't mean their life is empty. It is all about choices and timing and more importantly again CHOICES.

Not everyone is a charmer and love arrives differently for everyone. Some even miss to see it for the first few times. Sometimes it stays around, sometimes it leaves. But what I believe is that rather than waiting up for love to show up, go ahead and live what life is offering you, and when it has to, love will come by.

When love arrives assets.rbl.ms

Also, I imagine it in a certain way, about which I wrote a poem;

And when you walk back home,
Recalling the good times,
The smile that draws on your face
That is where I want to be.
And after you're done with the sham
Raising a toast to the brightest fallacies
In your darkest truths that you shed as tears
That is where I want to be.
And as you turn the pages of life
Stopping to smell the sweet times,
Like tucked rose petals between books
That is where I want to be.
-RhymingReverie

So the plan is to not wait up and go along while we spend a few more Valentine's Days celebrating life. I hope you too have your own love before you have the one who loves you.

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