The definition of anxiety, according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary is as follows, "fear or nervousness about what might happen." It is this and so much more, but above all, it is questioning everything and always wondering what will happen next, even if it is beyond your control. On the bad days, everything seems to come into question. And even on the good days there are bad moments. So here I bring you to, "What-If: The Anxiety Story"
As I start every morning, I wake up to a stirring of questions and thoughts in my head that don't stop. Sometimes they slow down, but they are always there, nagging and nagging.
My mornings kind of go like this.
What-if.
What if today is awful. What-if I forget to bring my homework to class. Did I pack my homework for class? I should check my bag to see if I packed my homework for class. What-if I got all the answers wrong. Should I have checked it over again? I only checked over it twice so I could have missed a mistake. Did I remember to lock my door? I think I did. But did I? What-if it is unlocked and someone comes into my room? What if they take something? Okay, I know I locked it, but did I--or am I just imagining it?? Wait, is my homework still in my bag? I remember seeing it but what if it fell out. No, it's okay keep walking to class, you know it is in there. And the questioning goes on, and on, and on......
My nights kind of go like this.
What-if.
Okay, homework is done. Did I do it right? I think I did because my friends and I talked about it and we had similar answers and thought process. But what if we made mistakes? I might fail this. Okay--stop thinking about that you won't fail. You need to go shower and get to bed. Should I keep studying? No, I need to go shower. Okay now I showered, time for bed. No I need to check my phone, what if someone needs me. No one messaged me, is everyone alright? They probably are they just didn't need anything. Or they aren't talking to me for a reason. Is there a reason? No silly, stop it's okay. Go to bed. Go to bed. Go to bed. Will my alarm go off in the morning? Duh--yes it will. Maybe I should set 2 more just in case. Okay now I will definitely wake up. Or will I? I hope my alarm goes off, it better go off because I have to get up and do things.
My friendships kind of go like this.
What-if.
I haven't heard from my friends in the group chat since a few hours ago. I hope everything is okay. I should be getting notifications but what-if somehow they got turned off. Okay no one has put anything in the group chat. I'll send something funny *insert random joke and emoji*. One person saw it, okay promising. Now two--now they all saw it. Why is no one responding? Do they hate me, oh my god they are mad. What did I do, I don't know what I did. What-if I did something. I'm sorry. I didn't do anything but i'm sorry. Sorry.
My entire life kind of goes like this.
What-if. What-if. What-if.
“Anxiety's like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you very far.”
― Jodi Picoult
