About a week ago, I made the very impulsive (but long time coming) decision to delete the Instagram app off my phone. *Gasp*, right? I was having a heated discussion with my boyfriend, full of me saying negative things about myself, and he quickly replied with, "When was the last time you went on Instagram and were happy?" He definitely got me there. And that was what really gave me the push to take a deep breath and jump (figuratively speaking). I promptly posted my "last" picture on Instagram with a long caption, completely raw and honest, which are traits Instagram tends to lack for the most part. I did this without much consideration, because if I had really thought about it, I would have talked myself out of it.
My initial reaction was instant regret and slight panic. Why had I just deleted my strongest connection the outside world? Why had I acted so impulsively? Would I even exist without Instagram proving to people that I am, in fact, alive?
I desperately needed a break from constantly scrutinizing myself after seeing every single selfie posted or feeling like my life was boring and lame after scrolling past a picture of people at the lake or a beach or a concert. I was too busy comparing my life to others' and judging my own physical being. I had begun to really hate the skin I was in, which led to me hating my personality as well.
My second reaction: how many "likes" did my picture get? I had even texted my best friend asking her to look and tell me, then told her not to tell me because I didn't want to know. That would have only fueled my addiction for the app.
Twenty-four hours after deleting Instagram, I felt 100 percent out of the loop. I didn't know anything that was going on. I couldn't see what anyone was doing or where they were. I knew absolutely nothing. It made me feel puny in this huge world because I knew everyone was out living their lives and posting their fun on Instagram, yet I couldn't see it (which later I found out is a great thing). I felt like I was missing out somehow.
The first couple of days without the app was hard (like, really hard) because it's my go-to. I check it constantly, whether it be my feed or the explore page. I would scroll incessantly, just as I know others do, as well. Post-deletion, I would grab my phone and my thumb would go to the place where the app had been, only to find another app that had taken it's place. I'd settle for Twitter instead, scroll for a minute or two and then put my phone down.
After almost a week without Instagram, my mood has significantly improved (honestly). I don't feel so down about myself. I don't get annoyed by what I see or feel so disgustingly inferior to such an extent that I am sickened by myself anymore. I don't compare my life to anyone else's nearly as much—I don't know what they're doing and they don't know what I'm doing and it makes it a hell of a lot easier living life without trying to take the perfect picture to post to Instagram (and let's not forget about the caption...so much stress).
Obviously I'm not a changed person and I don't suddenly love myself now, but I'm a couple steps closer, which has made all the difference. Although it's only been a week, I feel less negativity within me. After seeing thousands of pictures of girls around my age with toned bodies, luscious hair, clear skin, sharp cheek bones, big boobs, Barbie thin waists and huge white smiles, I had honestly convinced myself I was one of the nastiest, ugliest people on this Earth. I desperately needed a break from my self-esteem plunging to unknown depths and tallying my flaws.
Don't get me wrong, I don't plan on giving up the app forever. I just needed a hiatus to clear my head of all the negativity it came with. If I need to delete it every once in awhile in order to give myself a fresh mindset, I'll do it as often as necessary-- my ability to love myself, flaws and all, is immensely more important. Giving it up was much easier than I thought and I feel better than I thought I would in only a week's time. I highly recommend this to anyone and everyone who is feeling the slightest bit down on themselves due to social media. A social media detox is a great thing, believe it or not. Not posting what you're doing or who you're with is so freeing. I could have bungee jumped off a bridge in California and nobody would have had any idea, but that doesn't mean I had any less fun because I didn't get any "likes" or post it for everyone to see.
I can live my life without the need for validation of people's "likes" and I can have fun without needing to post it. I'll be taking pictures to make memories, not solely with Instagram in mind. If I decide to post a picture, it won't be to attract as many "likes" as I can and I'm working on not letting that number determine my worth. My goal is to love myself a little (a lot) more and be envious of others a little (a lot) less.
Instagram will make an appearance on my phone once more, but for now, I'm enjoying my life and embracing myself without comparing or judging.
