I was once a friendly, happy, social butterfly. On more than one occasion I would have my shy moments in public like everyone else. Every so often I would ask someone to order my food for me at a restaurant or to walk into a store with me if I was nervous to go alone. But other times I would be the loudest person in the room, laughing loudly at a joke someone told me. After this past year however, something changed in me and to the world around me.
One day I woke up, and felt nervous just to walk to the bathroom alone because I didn't want to run into anyone and talk to them. It's not that I wasn't in the mood to talk, but I was scared if I had to talk at all. I would run to class with my head down and sit in my seat, still not picking my head up until the teacher started class, because that means we weren't allowed to talk anymore. At the end, I would pack up my stuff, get up and speed walk to my next class. I would hear a friend or classmate say hi to me, but that just made me walk faster. The thought of stopping to talk to someone would make my heart race like I just ran a mile. I would sweat so much that it looked like I just stepped out of a sauna.
My friends and I would all usually go to lunch together after class so we could sit and talk. There would be the uncommon occasion where they couldn't go because they had a meeting or they wanted to lay down and take a nap. Usually, I would just go by myself and stay on my phone until I would leave. Suddenly, when my friends would not go to lunch with me I wouldn't go by myself. I would rather starve and wait until dinner time than go alone to get food. When I would get food with my friends, I would constantly ask them to come up with me and get food.
The worst feeling was when I would ask my friends to do something or go somewhere with me, they would get annoyed that I couldn't do it by myself. I would feel awful asking them to do stuff and most of all I would feel embarrassed. What kind of college student couldn't walk up to the dessert counter by themselves without crying? I refused to go anywhere by myself, I would spend most of my time in my room, hiding from the people outside. The thoughts of dropping out came into my mind. All I wanted to do was stay in my room, the thought of going outside made me cry.
Instead of dropping out or hiding the way I felt, I decided to talk about it. First with my friends trying to explain how I felt, hoping they would understand. Then I talked to my mom, telling her how I was struggling and how I was barely eating because I was scared to be out of my room. This was the best thing I could have done for myself. She told me that everything was OK, she loves me, and that when I would come home for break we would figure this out together and talk to my doctor.
When that did happen, my questions were answered. I found out I had social anxiety. It wasn't my fault and I wasn't alone. A few of my friends I knew had anxiety as well. I was mostly happy that I could take control of my anxiety and take my life back out of its clutch. I still have those days where I want to hide in my room, but I know if I do then my progress so far would be for nothing. I may not be the same person I was before, but I know for a fact that I am definitely stronger.
