What Famous Writers' Tinder Profiles Would Look Like

What Famous Writers' Tinder Profiles Would Look Like

Don't say you've never wondered.

Tinder, like all social media, has its pros and cons. For a straight teenage girl, pros include screen-shotting straight white males' profiles and sending them to my friends for a good laugh. Cons include... well, basically everything else. But it's an intriguing concept: Online dating, reduced to your name, age, a couple pictures, and a brief bio. How do you sum up a life in so little room? How do you consider a potential partner with such little information?

Regardless, people do it. And profiles are super interesting to look at, to see what exactly people think is important about themselves. Come on, you've definitely wondered before: What would _____'s Tinder profile look like?

I have speculated on famous presidents and celebrities, but no group is more interesting than my favorite writers. What would happen if I was lying on my bed one lazy night swiping away and suddenly, Cormac McCarthy's face flashed across my screen? Would I do the "duh" thing and swipe right? Would I be too shocked to respond? (If I did do the "duh" thing and swipe right, would we match?)

For those of you who have wondered the same, fret not. Check out your favorite authors' profiles below! Too bad you can't actually find out if you matched... let's just assume you would, yeah?

John Steinbeck

Don't tell me Steinbeck wouldn't try to take you hiking on a first date, because we all know he would.

Allen Ginsberg

Ginsberg would so be "that guy" that talks about weed in his profile. You're probably going to want to swipe left, my friend.

C.S. Lewis

Aside from the stereotypical caption, Lewis just might be one of those boys you meet on Tinder that actually warrants a second date. And maybe a third.

Henry Miller

He's definitely cute, and you're pretty desperate, but are you really that desperate?

Ayn Rand

She'd be the only one to promote herself, and she'd be the one we'd all still swipe right on, just in case.

F. Scott Fitzgerald

Okay but Fitzgerald is definitely that "bro" that we all secretly swipe right on, as long as he doesn't have any half pics.

Sylvia Plath

We all know that one girl with the really weird bio who still gets a ton of matches because all her pictures are out-of-this-world cute. Yep, that'd be Plath.

Vladimir Nabokov

"Yeah, he's pretentious-sounding, but isn't it romantic?" you croon to your friends after setting up your first date (butterfly hunting in the park, of course) with Nabokov.

E.E. Cummings

Cummings would be one of those guys obviously on Tinder just for sex, but he's cute and seems down-to-earth enough, so what can it hurt, right?

Anaïs Nin

You come across her profile after you've already swiped left on Henry Miller, and everything makes sense.

Virginia Woolf

She's the one you match with but never message—not for any reason, you just forget. And then her profile mysteriously disappears.

Franz Kafka

So what if he's that awkward dude who uses a headshot for his first pic and kinda looks like he's staring into your soul... at least he sounds sweet?

William Faulkner

Faulkner is the one you'd secretly want to take home to your parents, as long as he doesn't own a Confederate flag.

Maybe someday will find Cormac McCarthy on Tinder. (He and his ex-wife split in 2006, so it's not totally out of the picture, right?) But for those who never got to see this speed-dating app come to fruition, we'll just have to guess at what they'd say.

Perhaps living without Tinder made life easier for these writers. I sometimes wonder how wonderful a simple life would be if I wasn't stuck in this horrible circle of deleting and remaking my online profile just so desperate boys will call me cute.

If only all Tinder profiles looked like those above. (Okay, except for maybe Henry Miller — we still love you, but not in that way.) I guess we'll just have to swoon over the possibility of one day matching with the writers of our dreams and in the meantime, keep swiping left on everyone else.

Cover Image Credit: McKinley Catherine Keener

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Lil Yachty's 'Lil Boat 2' May Not Be Enough To Keep Him Afloat

Here's what you need to know about "Lil Boat 2."

On March 9, Lil Yachty dropped his newest album, “Lil Boat 2.” The album consists of 17 songs, most of which were probably better off not being on the album and seriously failed to impress me, despite its early success on iTunes.

In all of the reviews I have ever written, I normally organize it song-by-song, giving feedback to each track. This time, however, I think I can save all of us time on this article by just being completely honest about Lil Yachty’s “Lil Boat 2.”

Most of the songs from 1-10 on the tracklist are NOT worth listening to.

Other than those three, every other song from the top ten songs on the tracklist were absolute garbage.

The beats to the songs weren’t that bad but, overall, it just sounded like Lil Yachty and his features were WAY too high to be in the studio.

Yachty’s flows, bars and rhyme schemes were ALL weak throughout the entire album, and if it weren’t for the final six songs on “Lil Boat 2,” this review would be nothing but bashing Lil Yachty.

From the 12th track on the album, "MICKEY" (ft. Offset, Lil Baby) the album runs through much more smoothly, regardless of how basic those last couple of songs are.

I imagine Lil Yachty’s fanbase consists mostly of teenagers who eat Tide for Internet views and anybody who knows nothing about what a real rapper is.

Seriously. I cannot stress how elementary this album is. If you’re looking for new rap music to listen to, check out Tory Lanez’s album, “MEMORIES DON’T DIE,” or Logic’s “Bobby Tarantino II.”

Both of those albums are so much better than “Lil Boat 2” that they make Yachty look like an amateur — which he is.

Final Score: 5.8/10
Cover Image Credit: Wikimedia Commons

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Did Draco Malfoy Ever Get The Clout He Deserved?

Yes, he was literally the worst for a majority of the series. But does this one moment make up for it all?

The new trailer for the “Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them” series just dropped and I have a LOT of feelings. Mainly:

With the release of this new trailer, the only natural thing to do is to binge watch the "Harry Potter" series. Now, if you don’t know about "Harry Potter" series, I’m going to assume that you were born literally minutes ago. For those of you who do know what I’m talking about, let’s chat.

Throughout the series, we see some pretty rotten witches, wizards and muggles. The worst being Bellatrix LeStrange, in my opinion.

*Side note: Voldemort killed meticulously and with his own “reasoning” that supported his actions. Bellatrix killed for sport. No reason was necessary to support her choices. Regardless of who I thought was worse, it doesn’t change the fact that they were both 100% assholes.*

Throughout the movie, and even more so throughout the book, we are able to see slight character arcs for a majority of these lesser-evil villains, such as Petunia Dursley, Narcissa Malloy, Snape, and Draco Malfoy.

After Snape, Draco had one of the biggest character arcs in the series. He saved Harry and, ultimately, through his actions, gave Harry one last chance to defeat Voldemort. How? Well, Pottermore explains it best, but to put it simply, he refused to give Harry, Ron, and Hermione up to Bellatrix and the Snatchers.

This moment is so pivotal and apparent in the books, yet on screen, while it’s still a huge moment, it still gets downplayed. The weight of the moment isn’t truly felt and could be taken as more of a mistake on Malfoy’s part. That moment, if not understood correctly, could change many viewers' opinions about Draco's transformation from elitist, bigot, selfish snob to a (slightly) unknowingly ignorant, scared, defeated teen.

Damnit, J.K. Rowling, you’ve done it again. Even after all these years, somehow I still always seem to find something new.

Now let’s talk about how the new movie will allow the Ministry to apparate onto Hogwarts?!

Cover Image Credit: Review Me Twice

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