What Famous Writers' Tinder Profiles Would Look Like

What Famous Writers' Tinder Profiles Would Look Like

Don't say you've never wondered.
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Tinder, like all social media, has its pros and cons. For a straight teenage girl, pros include screen-shotting straight white males' profiles and sending them to my friends for a good laugh. Cons include... well, basically everything else. But it's an intriguing concept: Online dating, reduced to your name, age, a couple pictures, and a brief bio. How do you sum up a life in so little room? How do you consider a potential partner with such little information?

Regardless, people do it. And profiles are super interesting to look at, to see what exactly people think is important about themselves. Come on, you've definitely wondered before: What would _____'s Tinder profile look like?

I have speculated on famous presidents and celebrities, but no group is more interesting than my favorite writers. What would happen if I was lying on my bed one lazy night swiping away and suddenly, Cormac McCarthy's face flashed across my screen? Would I do the "duh" thing and swipe right? Would I be too shocked to respond? (If I did do the "duh" thing and swipe right, would we match?)

For those of you who have wondered the same, fret not. Check out your favorite authors' profiles below! Too bad you can't actually find out if you matched... let's just assume you would, yeah?

John Steinbeck

Don't tell me Steinbeck wouldn't try to take you hiking on a first date, because we all know he would.

Allen Ginsberg

Ginsberg would so be "that guy" that talks about weed in his profile. You're probably going to want to swipe left, my friend.

C.S. Lewis

Aside from the stereotypical caption, Lewis just might be one of those boys you meet on Tinder that actually warrants a second date. And maybe a third.

Henry Miller

He's definitely cute, and you're pretty desperate, but are you really that desperate?

Ayn Rand

She'd be the only one to promote herself, and she'd be the one we'd all still swipe right on, just in case.

F. Scott Fitzgerald

Okay but Fitzgerald is definitely that "bro" that we all secretly swipe right on, as long as he doesn't have any half pics.

Sylvia Plath

We all know that one girl with the really weird bio who still gets a ton of matches because all her pictures are out-of-this-world cute. Yep, that'd be Plath.

Vladimir Nabokov

"Yeah, he's pretentious-sounding, but isn't it romantic?" you croon to your friends after setting up your first date (butterfly hunting in the park, of course) with Nabokov.

E.E. Cummings

Cummings would be one of those guys obviously on Tinder just for sex, but he's cute and seems down-to-earth enough, so what can it hurt, right?

Anaïs Nin

You come across her profile after you've already swiped left on Henry Miller, and everything makes sense.

Virginia Woolf

She's the one you match with but never message—not for any reason, you just forget. And then her profile mysteriously disappears.

Franz Kafka

So what if he's that awkward dude who uses a headshot for his first pic and kinda looks like he's staring into your soul... at least he sounds sweet?

William Faulkner

Faulkner is the one you'd secretly want to take home to your parents, as long as he doesn't own a Confederate flag.


Maybe someday will find Cormac McCarthy on Tinder. (He and his ex-wife split in 2006, so it's not totally out of the picture, right?) But for those who never got to see this speed-dating app come to fruition, we'll just have to guess at what they'd say.

Perhaps living without Tinder made life easier for these writers. I sometimes wonder how wonderful a simple life would be if I wasn't stuck in this horrible circle of deleting and remaking my online profile just so desperate boys will call me cute.

If only all Tinder profiles looked like those above. (Okay, except for maybe Henry Miller — we still love you, but not in that way.) I guess we'll just have to swoon over the possibility of one day matching with the writers of our dreams and in the meantime, keep swiping left on everyone else.

Cover Image Credit: McKinley Catherine Keener

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How one whole year has come and gone is absolutely beyond me. Time speeds around us so quickly; in the blink of an eye I went from standing on your frozen pond, gripping your hand for dear life, looking at the word “Girlfriend?” written on the thin coat of snow above the ice, to this moment. It seems like 12 months have zoomed by in half the time, but it seems as if this has been my reality for so much longer. I can hardly remember what it’s like to not have you in my life. It still makes me laugh that in the beginning months of our relationship, people would see us together and be surprised when they found out we were only together for five months, seven months, or even nine months. "It is as if you two have been dating for years and years," they’d say. Even strangers would approach us and exclaim how glorious of a couple we make, and hearing that would fill me with such a sense of pride.

One of my favorite memories from this past year is, in fact, a moment before we even started officially dating. I want you to recall that for my 20th birthday you mailed me a two-page letter filled with some of the simplest, yet, sweetest words I have ever read. A letter you mailed to me just 11 days after you sent me that very first text message. I do not think I ever told you this, but that letter was my favorite gift that year. It was an act of old-fashioned romance that I had always dreamed of, but never was lucky enough to experience. Therefore, since it is our one-year anniversary, I would like to end our first year together with that same act of old-fashioned romance.

First and foremost, I want to start off with an apology. I am sorry for my faults, my shortcomings and for my insecurities. I am sorry for my wall that had been built up in the beginning, making it hard to let you into my heart. I am sorry that it took three times for me to finally say yes to being your girlfriend. I am sorry for making you wait.

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Thirdly, and most importantly, I love you. Truly, madly, deeply.

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I have received more love, caring and consideration from you in 12 months than I have from most people that I’ve known my entire life. Loving you is being 10 years old again, scaling a tree with my eyes bright and skyward, wanting only to get higher and higher, without a thought of how I would get back down. They say that you should treat others how you wish to be treated, and this is so true in that the very love you have given me is what I have used to love you in return. Your love—intense, yet playful, innocent and pure—fills me with peace, contentment and tranquility. It is always just enough. I can only hope that the love I have for you can give the love that you have given me a smidgen of justice. I will spend the rest of my life trying to make sure that it does.

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10 Reasons I'm Chandler And Phoebe's Love Child

I'm the walking depiction of the combination of two of your favorite "friends."

JordynL
JordynL
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1. I'm always talking.

The GIF basically does the explaining for me..

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2. People who can't be independent annoy me.

This GIF basically covers this one too..

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3. I have impeccable dance moves...  

....or rather the lack thereof

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4. Slight temper may be an understatement.

I could make a sailor blush if I wanted to. Thanks for the extensive vocabulary, mom!

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5. I tend to make jokes during serious moments..

...or really any time

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6. Ever so slightly perverted

I could make basically anything perverted with a look, sound, or phrase to add onto it. It's a gift.

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7. PIVOT

Doesn't matter the time, occasion, or mood. I can always find a reason to yell this. And yes, sometimes I do say it like Chandler.

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8. What I mean 90% of the time when friends invite me to something.

​Sorry girls😂😅

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9. Low-key (but no so low-key) clumsy.

Okay, high-key. The other day I face planted because I tripped over nothing. On the bright side, if I wanted a part in a horror movie, I've already got that part down!

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10. And then there's the obvious reason

I may be weird and a lot to handle, but all in all, I'm pretty awesome.

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JordynL
JordynL

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