What Famous Writers' Tinder Profiles Would Look Like

What Famous Writers' Tinder Profiles Would Look Like

Don't say you've never wondered.
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Tinder, like all social media, has its pros and cons. For a straight teenage girl, pros include screen-shotting straight white males' profiles and sending them to my friends for a good laugh. Cons include... well, basically everything else. But it's an intriguing concept: Online dating, reduced to your name, age, a couple pictures, and a brief bio. How do you sum up a life in so little room? How do you consider a potential partner with such little information?

Regardless, people do it. And profiles are super interesting to look at, to see what exactly people think is important about themselves. Come on, you've definitely wondered before: What would _____'s Tinder profile look like?

I have speculated on famous presidents and celebrities, but no group is more interesting than my favorite writers. What would happen if I was lying on my bed one lazy night swiping away and suddenly, Cormac McCarthy's face flashed across my screen? Would I do the "duh" thing and swipe right? Would I be too shocked to respond? (If I did do the "duh" thing and swipe right, would we match?)

For those of you who have wondered the same, fret not. Check out your favorite authors' profiles below! Too bad you can't actually find out if you matched... let's just assume you would, yeah?

John Steinbeck

Don't tell me Steinbeck wouldn't try to take you hiking on a first date, because we all know he would.

Allen Ginsberg

Ginsberg would so be "that guy" that talks about weed in his profile. You're probably going to want to swipe left, my friend.

C.S. Lewis

Aside from the stereotypical caption, Lewis just might be one of those boys you meet on Tinder that actually warrants a second date. And maybe a third.

Henry Miller

He's definitely cute, and you're pretty desperate, but are you really that desperate?

Ayn Rand

She'd be the only one to promote herself, and she'd be the one we'd all still swipe right on, just in case.

F. Scott Fitzgerald

Okay but Fitzgerald is definitely that "bro" that we all secretly swipe right on, as long as he doesn't have any half pics.

Sylvia Plath

We all know that one girl with the really weird bio who still gets a ton of matches because all her pictures are out-of-this-world cute. Yep, that'd be Plath.

Vladimir Nabokov

"Yeah, he's pretentious-sounding, but isn't it romantic?" you croon to your friends after setting up your first date (butterfly hunting in the park, of course) with Nabokov.

E.E. Cummings

Cummings would be one of those guys obviously on Tinder just for sex, but he's cute and seems down-to-earth enough, so what can it hurt, right?

Anaïs Nin

You come across her profile after you've already swiped left on Henry Miller, and everything makes sense.

Virginia Woolf

She's the one you match with but never message—not for any reason, you just forget. And then her profile mysteriously disappears.

Franz Kafka

So what if he's that awkward dude who uses a headshot for his first pic and kinda looks like he's staring into your soul... at least he sounds sweet?

William Faulkner

Faulkner is the one you'd secretly want to take home to your parents, as long as he doesn't own a Confederate flag.


Maybe someday will find Cormac McCarthy on Tinder. (He and his ex-wife split in 2006, so it's not totally out of the picture, right?) But for those who never got to see this speed-dating app come to fruition, we'll just have to guess at what they'd say.

Perhaps living without Tinder made life easier for these writers. I sometimes wonder how wonderful a simple life would be if I wasn't stuck in this horrible circle of deleting and remaking my online profile just so desperate boys will call me cute.

If only all Tinder profiles looked like those above. (Okay, except for maybe Henry Miller — we still love you, but not in that way.) I guess we'll just have to swoon over the possibility of one day matching with the writers of our dreams and in the meantime, keep swiping left on everyone else.

Cover Image Credit: McKinley Catherine Keener

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35 Major Life Facts According To Nick Miller

"All booze is good booze, unless it's weak booze."
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Fact: If you watch "New Girl," you love Nick Miller.

You can't help it. He's an adorable, lovable mess of a man and you look forward to seeing him and his shenanigans each week. While living the infamous and incomparable life of Nick Miller, and obviously Julius Pepperwood— he has learned many valuable laws of the land. And, although Nick refuses to learn anything from anyone besides his mysterious, old Asian friend Tran, he does have a few lessons he'd like to teach us.

Here are 35 facts of life according to 'Nick Milla Nick Milla':

1. Drinking keeps you healthy.

"I'm not gonna get sick. No germ can live in a body that is 65% beer."

2. Dinosaurs never existed.

"I don't believe dinosaurs existed. I've seen the science. I don't believe it."


3. A paper bag is a bank.

"A bank is just a paper bag but with fancier walls."


4. Having sex is similar to delivering mail.

"I'm like a mailman, except instead of mail it's hot sex that I deliver."

5. Moonwalking is a foolproof way to get out of any awkward situation.

Jess (about Nick): "Now he won't even talk to me. I saw him this morning and he just panic moonwalked away from me. He does that sometimes."

6. Using a movie reference is also a great way.

Cece: "Come on, get up!"

Nick: "No, I don't dance. I'm from that town in "Footloose."

7. There's no reason to wash towels.

Nick: "I don’t wash the towel. The towel washes me. Who washes a towel?"

Schmidt: "You never wash your towel?"

Nick: "What am I gonna do? Wash the shower next? Wash a bar of soap?"

8. Exes are meant to be avoided at all costs (especially if/unless they're Caroline)

"I don't deal with exes, they're part of the past. You burn them swiftly and you give their ashes to Poseidon."

9. IKEA furniture is not as intimidating as it looks.

"I'm building you the dresser. I love this stuff. It's like high-stakes LEGOs."

10. You don't need forks if you have hands.

Jess: "That's gross. Get a fork, man."

Nick: "I got two perfectly good forks at the end of my arms!"

11. Sex has a very specific definition.


"It's not sex until you put the straw in the coconut."

12. Doors are frustrating.

"I will push if I want to push! Come on! I hate doors!"

13. All booze is good booze.

"Can I get an alcohol?"

14. ...unless it's weak booze.

"Schmidt, that is melon flavored liquor! That is 4-proof! That is safe to drink while you're pregnant!"

15. Writers are like pregnant women.

Jess: "You know what that sound is? It's the sound of an empty uterus."

Nick: "I can top that easily. I'm having a hard time with my zombie novel."

Jess: "Are you really comparing a zombie novel to my ability to create life?"

Nick: "I'm a writer, Jess. We create life."

16. All bets must be honored.

"There is something serious I have to tell you about the future. The name of my first-born child needs to be Reginald VelJohnson. I lost a bet to Schmidt."

17. Adele's voice is like a combination of Fergie and Jesus.

"Adele is amazing."

18. Beyoncé is extremely trustworthy.

"I'd trust Beyoncé with my life. We be all night."

19. Fish, on the other hand, are not.


“Absolutely not. You know I don’t trust fish! They breathe water. That's crazy!"

20. Bar mitzvahs are terrifying.

Schmidt: "It's a bar mitzvah!"

Nick: "I am NOT watching a kid get circumcised!"

21. ...so are blueberries.

Jess: "So far, Nick Miller's list of fears is sharks, tap water, real relationships..."

Nick: "And blueberries."

22. Take your time with difficult decisions. Don't be rash.


Jess: "You care about your burritos more than my children, Nick?"

Nick: "You're putting me in a tough spot!"

23. Getting into shape is not easy.

"I mean, I’m not doing squats or anything. I’m trying to eat less donuts."

24. We aren't meant to talk about our feelings.

"If we needed to talk about feelings, they would be called talkings."


25. We're all a little bit too hard on ourselves.

"The enemy is the inner me."

26. Freezing your underwear is a good way to cool off.


"Trust me, I'm wearing frozen underpants right now and I feel amazing. I'm gonna grab some old underpants and put a pair into the freezer for each of you."

27. Public nudity is normal.

"Everbody has been flashed countless times."

28. Alcohol is a cure-all.


"You treat an outside wound with rubbing alcohol. You treat an inside wound with drinking alcohol."

29. Horses are aliens.

"I believe horses are from outer-space."


30. Turtles should actually be called 'shell-beavers.'

Jess: "He calls turtles 'shell-beavers."

Nick: "Well, that's what they should be called."

31. Trench coats are hot.


"This coat has clean lines and pockets that don't quit, and it has room for your hips. And, when I wear it, I feel hot to trot!"


32. Sparkles are too.

"Now, my final bit of advice, and don't get sensitive on this, but you've got to change that top it's terrible and you've got to throw sparkles on. Sparkles are in. SPARKLES ARE IN."

33. Introspection can lead to a deeper knowing of oneself.

"I'm not convinced I know how to read. I've just memorized a lot of words."


34. It's important to live in the moment.

"I know this isn't gonna end well but the middle part is gonna be awesome."


35. Drinking makes you cooler.

Jess: "Drinking to be cool, Nick? That's not a real thing."

Nick: "That's the only thing in the world I know to be true."

Cover Image Credit: Hollywood Reporter

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11 Frank Ocean Lyrics To Ease The Pain Like Novacane​

He's got mainstream popularity, an underground sense of creativity, but a lyric book of heart-wrenching words made to make the toughest person cry like a b--sorry, tortured soul.

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Frank Ocean made airwaves in 2012 with his debut album channel ORANGE that took the R&B;/Soul world by storm and made him a household name. His enigmatic presence in pop culture resonated with many young fans who were in the throngs of heartbreak, humiliation, and hardships of a different kind. Some could say he's a mainstream artist that is still rooted in his alternative style, despite having songs with hip-hop heavyweights like Jay-Z, Kanye West, and A$AP Rocky. However, these eleven lyrics are made for the chilly nights of winter for anyone feeling lonely if they're single, recently broken-up, or just reflecting on past relationships.

1. "The best song wasn't the single/But you couldn't turn your radio down"

Song: "Sweet Life". Frank's ability to weave lyrics together with subliminal messaging is magical, not gonna lie. Referring to his crush in the song that they should listen to deeper cuts of an album instead of the radio hits also means that they should invest more in the deeper aspects of their relationship than just the...'sweet life' of it. Powerful.

2. "Do you slide on all your nights like this?"

This shit seriously S L A P S. Ocean, Migos, and Calvin Harris made a sleeper hit in late Spring 2017 with 'Slide', which is slang for no-strings-attached sex. Ocean, monotone throughout it, manages to make you think about this current generation's mindset of casual sex and no real meaningful relationships.

3. "Loving you's a little different I don't like you a lot/I mean...fuck"

Song: "Sunday (feat. Frank Ocean)" by Earl Sweatshirt. Frank, after admitting that he's stopped smoking pot (which after quitting has given him nightmares), doesn't like the person he's loving at the moment because the hate has gotten stronger than the love. I mean, how relatable is that to a lot of people. Certainly a lot more than a classroom.

4. "Tonight she came stumblin' across my lawn again/I just don't know why I keep tryin' to keep a grown woman sober"

Song: "Pilot Jones". Let's be honest, we've all had a few relationships where substances and alcohol have become the unwanted third party. It was a rough time, so of course Ocean has you covered in trying to heal that hurtful part in your life.

5. "But you're beautiful to me/Wave 'em high girl, to the sky"

Song: "Monks". For once, it seems as though Ocean is content and happy with this girl he's with in this song. In every relationship, there's always happiness at some point. It could last the entire time, or just certain parts of it. Either way, you were/are having a great time and not even Monks can disturb that tranquility.

6. "I'll be honest, I wasn't devastated/But you could've held my hands through this, baby"

Song: "Close to You". This minute-long song says so much when it comes modern relationships and how they end. Abrupt, no explanations, not even a chance of trying to work it out. Ocean just makes this powerful without going over two minutes. A great lyric from an underrated track.

7. "Bed full of women, flip on a tripod, little red light on shootin'"

A bit complicated to understand, but all of us have some weird dreams/fantasies. Ocean manages to make that realistic but in a nightmarish way.

8. "Close my eyes and fall into you/My God, she's giving me pleasure"

Song: "Pink Matter (feat. Andre 3000)". Interpret as you wish, folks. We all need to be held by our S.O.

9. "I'll be the boyfriend in your wet dreams tonight"

Song: "Self Control". Ocean be mad flexin' sometimes, and it be like that.

10. "No, I don't like you, I just thought you were cool enough to kick it"

His most popular song is the epitome of trying to not care when he DOES care about someone.

11. "I'd do anything for you (In the dark)"

Song: "Seigfried". Ocean admits he'd take a bullet for the person he's singing to, but only when no one else outside knows. He cares but can't show it in public, which many of us have done or experienced from someone we're emotionally invested with.

Overall, these lyrics were intended to shed light on Ocean's masterful lyricism and why he's so cherished by this generation.

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