Three years of working toward a Bachelor of Arts in English has finally given me a license to write about how I feel in a semi-professional environment. I guess we’re just handing out microphones at this point. Maybe someone noticed that I’m constantly under the illusion someone asked for my opinion and that publishing a weekly column in a writing community for a school that I don’t even attend will get me to stop going on about how the Arctic Monkeys’ Alex Turner was so much cuter when he wasn’t saving rock and roll music with a lifetime supply of pomade and how Maroon 5 is just the reanimated corpse of a beautifully lame power-pop band called Kara’s Flowers. I keep saying that I’m here for some practice and a much-needed resumé boost but honestly it just feels good to be hyperlinking '90s rock videos halfway through a $12 bottle of pinot grigio. Writing can be almost as therapeutic as it is depressing. The hope that anyone will spend their valuable time reading something with a distinct lack of memes, animated gifs, and shame might be naïve. I'm not an expert on anything but I've developed a skill for speaking with a great deal of false authority. It takes a unique sense of humor to come off as shallow and pretentious. However, to quote the YouTube comments on a music video from a band that doesn’t even have its own Wikipedia page, “this is a lot better than the new Maroon 5 album.”[1]

We still have a lot of questions left to answer for a generation that’s been in constant communication since we surreptitiously created Facebook accounts in junior high school.[2] Have we landed somewhere on how we feel about GMOs? Am I ever getting any of this social security back? Is Starbucks the only thing that keeps us going or are they selling me burnt coffee? I know we’re not cool with Kanye West right now but what about when he releases another new album? Are “iCarly” and “Drake and Josh” part of a Marvel-esque Dan Schneider cinematic universe? GMOs are almost definitely safe. Our current social security system is comically unsustainable. Starbucks coffee does taste burnt but is also the only reason I made it to a class that started at 9:00am, today. I used to tell people that Kanye has never been articulate on camera and that his art is where we should look for his personal expression. Now he poopity scoops and I have no idea what to tell you. I do believe in the Schneider-verse, and that Crazy Steve is the key that holds all of our answers, but that piece of nostalgia gets awkward when you remember that Dan Schneider has a history of tweeting pictures of his young stars’ toes.[3]

Like every growing batch of young adults before us, we look like a dangerous combination of self-importance and insecurity that's waiting to take everything you worked to create shortly before ruining it completely. People are worried. Our problems make us anxious because we’re listening in on a conversation with people that had completely different lives. We don’t entirely understand how health insurance works but would seriously like for our parents to let us legalize marijuana. Most of us can’t tell you about our Congressmen because we would rather be represented by celebrities like Lady Gaga and Post Malone.[4] We’re calling Donald Glover a genius for creating television that most people would just call black people smoking weed on cable. I don’t remember what America was like before 9/11 and I have no idea how anyone thought Y2K was going to be a big deal. All I’m asking is that you let me do everything the wrong way for awhile before I get old and say the same-old shit to my grandkids. Everything will be alright in the end. We’re inheriting the world and I still don’t know how to put on a spare tire.

Thanks for reading.

[1] I’ve learned to always start with low expectations.

[2] My mother was pretty upset when she found out I was playing “Words With Friends”.

[3] I’ll let you look that one up on your own browser history.

[4] I still don’t understand why we like Post Malone but whatever.