I thought I would write something that has been on my mind for quite some time as I complete my last two articles as a writer for Odyssey. Just in case you missed the announcement, I will start working on my doctorate in higher education this summer, and I need a mental vacation before I begin my rigorous projected timeline to graduation.
This two part article came from a place of enlightenment. It’s no secret. I have been single for many years. Don’t ask how many! Just know that it has been a long, long time, but I have enjoyed living my life as a free-spirited single mother. Of course, this choice has left me open to dealing with more than my fair share of struggle over the years; needless to say, all of the struggles weren’t bad.
Writing this particular article makes me think back on my life for the past 15 years and my long list of dos and don’ts when it came to dating. I constructed this list based on a decade and a half of experiences: good, bad, not-so-good, extremely great, etc. I think one of my first bad experiences with dating was when I found out the guy I had been dating was getting married to another woman. I felt like the 1980s R&B singer Vesta. How many of you remember her song, "Congratulations?" I use to sing the words over and over as I thought about my hurt feelings. When I found out he was getting married, it hardened my heart, and the hurt and discontentment that followed from other guys I have encountered only made my heart more hardened.
At one time, my list of what I wouldn’t entertain from men was so long I didn’t need anyone else to tell me to shorten it. I did it on my own. Some of the things on my list were:
-Never date another member of Kappa Alpha Psi Fraternity, Incorporated (Well, what do you know? I made an exception. SMH).
-Never date a man with multiple baby mommas.
-Never date a man with more than two children (Well, what do you know? I made an exception. SMH).
-Never date a man with more baggage than me.
-Never date a man who still lives with his momma (talk about me if you want, but this causes major problems).
-Never date a man who is uncircumcised (again, talk about me if you want, but this definitely causes major problems).
-Never date a man who doesn’t tell me no or leave me in suspense sometimes (this also causes problems. I am use to getting my way, and I need a little passive-aggressive behavior from my mate to help me stay on track).
Trust me, there are so many more, but I thought the ones I listed would make you laugh, so I stopped before I told too much. They definitely made me laugh because I know the story behind each one of them. With this being said, I decided a few years ago to start reconstructing myself. Believe it or not, I heard Karrine Steffans, BKA “Superhead,” state at a presentation, “The best way to attract the type of man you want is to make yourself attractive to that type of man.” I will let that marinate for a minute. Maybe, you will understand what she meant by the time you finish reading this article. But just in case you don’t get it, I will help you out a little bit.
My take on what she meant is that it is easy to create a list describing your ideal mate, but it is not so easy to make yourself appealing to that ideal mate. A lot of women can provide a list as long as Interstate 40 of what they desire in a mate, but they aren’t willing to make any major adjustments to themselves. Case in point, I have had a vast vocabulary for as long as I can remember. I studied the dictionary as a child, and I still do; however, the profane words that come out of my mouth at times will make a sailor ashamed. I have had several guys over the years tell me I was too pretty to have such a foul mouth. I simply cursed them out and told them they had two options: stay or leave. I never saw a need to correct my language. I knew how to turn the foul language switch on and off. Of course, I didn’t use it in the professional realm. I held it until I got around friends and family. Then, I let it go hay-wire.
One day, I met a man who simply said, “Babe it bothers me that you use so much profanity when you talk. You are simply too beautiful to talk that way.” His words pierced my body. Instead of arguing the issue with him, I got quiet and thought about what he said. Even though I had never called him out of his name, it bothered him. That is what stood out to me. He was honest enough with me to tell me that it bothered him. At that moment, I made a promise to him that I would consciously monitor my profanity with him in the same manner I did with my mother. Out of respect for my mother, I don’t do it, and I no longer wanted to do it with him.
Some people are quick to say, “If he doesn’t accept you as you are then you shouldn’t be with him.” Well, this is true to a certain degree; however, you must take into consideration that if your mission in a relationship is to stay the exact same way as you were prior to getting into the relationship then you might not need to be in a relationship. This was one of the hardest things for me to grasp when I started back dating; however, I am so thankful that I took the initiative to reconstruct myself and start looking at the realm of dating totally different. I look forward to continuing to speak on this concept next week as I conclude my time as a writer for Odyssey.
