Depression is being colorblind and constantly being told how colorful the world is.
If you deal with depression then you know how true those words are, and if you don't deal with depression then you could never imagine understanding.
The sad truth about depression, though? It doesn't discriminate. So if you do know how it feels, I'm sorry that you're in the same boat as so many other people in this world, including myself.
My life is pretty much great. I have an amazing family, a few great friends, and God over all. That doesn't mean I can't be depressed. Sometimes, there isn't a reason to be "depressed." It's not always a response to something tragic. Sometimes, it's just a chemical imbalance that some of us have to deal with.
It's always been something that I've known about. I've watched people deal with it as I was growing up, but I never thought it would be me.
I can't remember when it was the first time I knew, but I was always ashamed and I shouldn't have been. It's nothing the victims can control. It's not like we wanted this to happen. I just know I was scared, because I thought something was "wrong" with me.
I can cry without having a reason, my mood can be all over the place, I push people away, I have the darkest thoughts, and I don't know why. I didn't have a "reason" to be sad. I just am... I'm sad and I'm not okay.
Depression is a silent killer. It's not something can be fixed by saying "It's okay." It's so much more than that. Even when you have so many people there to listen to you, you're so alone. It's like a dark hole that you can't see out of. They can see you, but you can't see them. There isn't a light at the end of the tunnel.
It's knowing that you're going to be okay, but not feeling like you'll ever make it there in the moment. Sometimes, I honestly feel like I won't be okay and that I won't make it through that moment, even though I know better.
The best people to have around when you're battling yourself is the ones who listen. They don't always even respond, but they just listen to you go on and on about how sad you are without having a reason. They try to pull you closer, even when you're pushing yourself out of the way. It's not always something that you want to do. It's like wanting to be alone but wanting someone there. It's honestly the worst situation to be in. You beg for someone to be there but you won't let them be there for you when they offer.
I'm thankful to have a handful of people who never leave my side. I know it takes a toll on my family when I'm not in the mood to go out to eat with them, or to even ride to the grocery store with them. It takes a toll on your friends when you make plans to hang out with them but then you cancel because you rather lay in bed in your own sorrows. Depression doesn't just affect the one who is depressed, it affects everyone around you who has to try and understand how you're feeling.
You constantly feel like a mistake, a screw-up, like you're not doing enough. It's like you're behind and you can't catch up.
You're constantly fighting your own mind. You're fighting yourself. You are your biggest enemy. You're constantly telling yourself to snap out of it, but it's not that easy. You honestly feel like you'd be better off dead, but your heart knows that's not what you want... plus you'd leave your family and friends completely broken. The last thing you want is to leave someone else your heartbreak.
Sometimes, the only thing that gets you through is a good cry, some kind words, and love shown to you unconditionally.
Depression isn't something that's fun, cool, or acceptable... but you just have to keep battling it. You have to keep winning.
So when you're feeling like you're not going to be okay, just know that you are going to be... against all odds, you can win one more time and overcome this.
I believe in you... I believe in all of you. WE WILL be okay.
Love, a girl who battles herself every single day with you.