Hello everyone! It's your favorite girl filled with existential angst that she should have grown out of by now! June was pretty rough when it came to depression (remember how I said I was on the upswing?) Depression and mental health are largely unpredictable for me, though there are certain situations I know will throw me out of whack. All of those situations came up this month, and it was so very fun for everyone!!

In June, depression looked like severe social anxiety.

This month brought a lot of touring of graduate schools, and a lot of having to network with strangers, which is literally hell on earth for me. I was so cranky and irritable, and just had no desire to speak to anyone. It's hard to sell yourself to grad schools when your brain is constantly telling you that you have nothing to offer. Sometimes, talking to people is easy and fine, but other times it's really not. I just have to roll with the punches and put my acting skills to the test. I learned to communicate with my parents when I just could not handle a situation, because I am so good at hiding it by now. This month taught me that you only have to do as much as you want to do.

In June, depression looked like grief.

At the end of this month, my beloved service dog that I am training will be going up to complete her training, and will be placed with another family for the remainder of her life. I am devastated that I will probably never smush her sweet face or give her a high five again, and it kills me to think that she will feel abandoned by me. I have spent hours crying because I don't want her to think I didn't want her, or I wouldn't give anything in this world to keep her. There is no reason for me to spend all day thinking about what Beignet may or may not feel, when I could be spending the time cuddling and playing with her. She will always be special to me, and I'm so sad because I cared so much.

In June, depression looked like apathy.

I have had zero desire to do a lot of things that I have to do. I've started a lot of craft projects that I can't pick back up. I've had a lot of appointments that I've had to drag myself out of bed for. When I inevitably have to do these things, I get so annoyed and cranky, which many people don't associate with depression. In reality, instead of sitting alone crying a lot, my depression is really sarcastic and passive aggressive. Sorry Mom.

In June, coping looked like being honest.

What has really helped me this month is being truthful about how I'm feeling all the time. I'm open with what is triggering me or what I feel open to doing. I only do what I can everyday, and I tell my family beforehand when I know something is going to be hard for me. That way, my boyfriend or my family can check in with me and make sure I'm okay while I'm in the middle of a situation, instead of having to pick up the pieces afterwards.

Well, friends, another month has passed without too much incident. I'll be updating you in July!

As always, let me know if there's anything you need and always take care of yourselves!