As human beings, we want to connect. We thrive from the company of others we care the most about. We become devoted to those people, and consequently, put ourselves into great positions of vulnerability. We entrust them with our true identities in hopes that they can reciprocate to us that same sense of exposure. We put ourselves out there, despite all uncertainty with the outcomes, for the possibility to form those powerful and desired connections. Simply put, we risk a lot for the sake of others we feel most strongly for. Despite all of this, we still don’t mind. For people who we truly find worthwhile, we are able to do all of this without a second thought.
After these connections are established, though, there comes a crucial step in maintaining what we’ve created. In many ways, this turns out to be much more difficult than the establishment itself. We have to constantly show that these delicate bonds are still meaningful to us. We have to devote ourselves to a relationship of give-and-take. We have to make sacrifices in order to create room for the people that we choose to devote ourselves to. This is often where the source of the problem lies from one relationship to the next. While in general theory we may know what’s best, we constantly have trouble knowing exactly how to go about this “correct” form of expression.
I had been in an open relationship throughout my first quarter of college. I went from what was considered a conventional relationship to one where the “rules” and circumstances became notably altered. I had to create new boundaries, new values, and essentially, a new definition of “loyalty” for myself.
I know that any advocate of standard, exclusive relationships would say that this is wrong. The act of seeing other people, despite who you’re “emotionally” devoted to, is inherently disloyal. I can definitely understand this more black-and-white stance, but isn’t each and every person’s relationship his or her own? Is it wrong that people’s sense of values may vary? As long as both partners are truly happy, doesn't that mean that the relationship is still considered successful?
To be honest, I’m still unsure of the exact answer to any of these questions, and I'm definitely not here to try to justify or preach my specific situation. It’s simply hard to say when there are so many different situations and perspectives. All I know is that I was faced with these kinds of questions constantly, and it often became difficult to draw specific boundaries between what I actually considered right and wrong.
This really got me to think a lot about what it truly means to be loyal. Is loyalty something we can create, or is it simply embedded in us? Can its definition be altered individually? Is it just as valid as long as its consequences remain the same?
After much thought, three generalized conclusions came to mind:
- Loyalty should come from staying true to a commitment.
If that commitment is in part to be able to see other people, then so be it. As long as its justification and understanding is mutually agreed upon, then there is, or should be, value to it. - Loyalty doesn’t necessarily have to lie in the “conventional.”
In essence, our entire quality of life comes from the way we choose to interpret things, so what we prioritize is always going to vary. Therefore, there shouldn’t be any “wrong” in finding someone else who simply shares those same values. Debating on those specific values is for another argument on a different time of day. - Loyalty is, in part, about being selfless and being willing to make some sacrifice.
No matter what, there will always be "limitations." We can choose to make an excuse for them or show that we still truly prioritize those that we care about. If a looser set of values means a way to take advantage in a selfish way that manifests itself, then those terms should be reevaluated. In spite of any decision, it should still be made with the intent of staying true to that person. Realize the purpose for why these decisions are being made, and what it means for the relationship. The methods of expression may vary, but it is still how much you value that person and all that you are still willing to devote that matters most at the end of the day.
In sum, there is no "correct" way to express our devotion, but a healthier way to look at our situations. Nobody can speak on behalf everyone, but at least we can clarify, to an extent, the intent in which we act upon things. Perhaps it's not the disloyalty that's the problem, but rather our selfishness that prevents us from properly showing our devotion.
Regardless, it's something that we simply have to look within ourselves to realize on our own.
