I began dancing at a very young age. Mom always said so I wasn’t that kid with my eyes glued to a television screen. She was right and it worked. From the very beginning, she supported me in just about everything I did. I actually tried field hockey and band at one point during elementary school, but I didn’t last long. It was just something about dance that had me hooked.
When you’ve been dancing for so many years, you have trained so much that you learn the ability to “let go” in your movement. For me this was something that was very hard. I was a ballerina from the start; a perfectionist. I always worked hard to perfect my work in ballet technique. It wasn’t until my teen years that I started to understand dance wasn’t just about technique. It’s also about the story behind the movement and what you have to say without expressing any words.
My mom never missed one performance. Not a single one. She was a single parent, and quite literally made sure I was at every practice, class, extra rehearsals, my dance competitions, my pre professional program, and not to mention school too.
My senior year, I lost myself. I let a boy get in the way of my priorities. I was skipping classes, and not going to my dance program after school, I didn’t care about anything except him. Believe me I completely regret how I acted my senior year. I completely ruined what I had for something that was never going to last. I gave up dance for him.
It wasn’t until right before my mom passed that I actually considered getting back into it. I’ll tell you I was absolutely terrified. I left this school at my best, I felt people would have these expectations of me. I knew I wasn’t as flexible as I was, my stamina was nonexistent, but I was more afraid for how well I would remember terminology. I studied for years to know the in’s and out’s of every word and definition with dance. I didn’t want to look like a moron.
As we know my mom passed away, and I completely lost touch with reality. I didn’t know what my future held or what to even expect without my mom here with me. I realized the last time she saw me perform was 2 years ago. It completely broke my heart. I always dreamed of the day I would get on stage again and dance for her and she would be in tears as always, but I lost that chance the moment I felt too afraid.
I kept thinking, “What’s the point if she isn’t here?” “Who am I performing for?” It took me a while to realize, this was something I needed for myself. Over the past years, dance was my escape. I had to gain the courage to find that again. Surely enough, I did.
When I was dancing again, I always felt her presence there. I knew she was watching as she always did, and I knew she would never miss a performance. My last time dancing happened to fall on her 6 month anniversary. I’ll be honest, I had a complete breakdown just minutes before I had to leave for warm up. Luckily it didn’t last long. I wiped away my tears and remembered what I signed up for. I had to do this not only for myself, but for my mom, and when the lights hit me, I felt her warmth, and I never felt more empowered to finish this out strong.
I’m not sure if I will ever dance again, but this last summer was for her. It helped me feel again. Dance can give you these rush of emotions, and I felt every single one of them. Maybe one day, I will feel that need again.
