My dad didn’t give me a lot of things he should have. He didn’t give me support. He didn’t give me happiness. He didn’t give me love. But what he did give me, changed me forever.
He gave me strength: the strength to open up to people about everything I’ve struggled with. Until recently, I locked up everything I was feeling and let it destroy me. All my fears, all my anger and all my sadness I kept hidden from everyone. Through my writing, I have been able to share all of these feelings. I’m no longer afraid to share my story with people.
He gave me the strength to be independent. I used to feel the need for everyone to like me to make up for the relationship I was missing with my dad. I felt scared to do things on my own because I didn't want others to think I didn't have friends or that I was lonely, even though sometimes I was lonely. When I finally detached myself from my dad, I didn't feel the need to be dependent on others. I felt comfortable doing my own thing, even if that meant doing it alone.
He gave me an understanding of "actions speak louder than words." For years, when my dad told me he loved me and cared about me, I believed him. His actions, however, weren't consistent with his words. He taught me that it is a lot more meaningful to show someone you love them rather than to tell someone you love them. Everyone can say "I love you," but not everyone can show it.
He gave me the ability to find happiness in things besides relationships. I used to try to find support, happiness and love in other people. Of course relationships are important but they are not everything. I realized I couldn’t replace my relationship with my father with other relationships. I had to find other ways to be happy. Running, writing, horseback riding and hiking are some things that have brought me a kind of happiness that I could never get from any relationship.
He gave me the ability to stand up for myself. I used to accept being mistreated by people. For years, I accepted that my dad made me feel like I wasn’t good enough or wasn’t worthy of his love. I convinced myself that it is okay for people to make me feel this way but it is not okay. I thought having any sort of relationship, no matter how bad or toxic it was, would make up for the things I was missing. When I realized that I can find happiness in things that aren’t relationships, I stopped allowing myself to be in relationships that made me feel bad about myself. I stood up for myself and for my happiness.
