Waiting to interview for a job, primping before a first date, starting your first day of high school: these are all events that cause the average human being anxiety. All of us have felt our share of anxiety and that is natural and good. It means that your fight or flight instinct is working and you can either go into that interview, date, or classroom and kick some ass...or fall flat on your face (figuratively or literally, you choose). And when these anxiety inducing events are over a sudden relief washes over you, like a runner’s high, you survived the fight and now you can relax.
Now imagine that this anxiety never leaves, imagine that it gets worse, imagine that there was never really a good reason to have anxiety in the first place. Chronic anxiety feels a lot like waiting to go into an interview for the job of your dreams but having to sit in the lobby for the whole day. It feels like not being able to catch your breath. It feels like a family of butterflies have made a comfy home in your stomach. It feels like reading the same passage over and over and for some reason you can’t turn the page.
Anxiety doesn’t discriminate, it can take hold of anyone and at any time. You can be completely fine one second and anxiety ridden the next. Even in situations where you should be relaxed can cause panic. You might be exhausted but you can’t fall asleep and suddenly it’s 5 a.m. and you haven’t slept a wink because your thoughts have been consumed by indefinable worries. The worst part is that sometimes you don’t have anything to be worried about, the butterflies can’t stop and won’t stop.
You might not even realize you have anxiety. You stay up all night watching Netflix because you need to be focused elsewhere. You don’t know why you can’t cry and you don’t know why you get mad at people. You think and expect people to dislike you. You diagnose yourself with insomnia and a bad attitude. You don’t realize that maybe this isn’t normal until you talk to your best friend about how you have a pit in your gut all the time and how you get nervous before seeing some of your closest friends and she says, mind-boggled, that she has never felt that way. And then when you do realize you have anxiety, you’re afraid to talk to anyone about it. Too risky. You decide that being abrasive and considered mean is easier than any real vulnerability. You decide to write out how it feels because then it’s safe and might make more sense. No fighting or flight-ing in print.
