I get questions sometimes about what having anxiety feels like. In response, I usually look at them and ask, "For me? Or just in general?"
Like many disorders, anxiety is not the same for every person. Of course, there are similar symptoms, but not everyone experiences anxiety the same way. I could use the Tumblr-famous way of describing it, which goes something like this:
You know that feeling when you lean back on a chair and almost fall off but catch yourself at the last second? That's what anxiety is like.
I could use that. But for some (like myself), that may be oversimplifying it just a little bit. For this, I will be sharing my own reflection on what my anxiety is like. Specifically, what it's like in my mind during an anxiety attack. Again, it will not be the same for everyone, but this will hopefully educate some on what it's like in the mind of at least one person afflicted with anxiety.
1. Breathing becomes a habit, not instinct.
I have to remind myself to breath a lot. I don't mean this in that I physically start choking or anything; I just forget to breath sometimes. That, or if I'm getting into a very anxious place, breathing just becomes really, really hard to do. Note: if someone is having an anxiety attack around you, don't just tell them to breathe. Help them. A trick one of my friends uses is to put my hand on their chest so I can feel them breathing, that way my body can mimic the actions and eventually air will come back into my lungs.
2. Everyone is looking at you when you don't want to be seen.
This isn't to say that I don't like being noticed, you know, just in general. But it seems that in times that I really don't want to be seen, everyone is looking at me. If they're not looking at me, they're whispering about me. They know that I failed that last exam. They know that I don't have a lot of friends. They know that I'm slowly breaking down on the inside. They know and even when someone else claims that no one else does, the problem is that I still feel like they know.
3. The headache begins.
Acute headaches/migraines are my cues. They branch out from my neck to the back of my head, to the front, and eventually my entire head feels like my brain is attempting a prison escape. Sometimes this results in a panic attack, others an anxiety attack. It's a 50/50 chance of either.
4. Toxic thoughts are going a mile a minute.
You have four things due this weekend. Have you done them? No, of course not. You're going to flunk. You're going to flunk and you're going to fall off the Dean's List and your parents are going to be so disappointed and why does this have to happen, why is this happening to me--
You get the idea.
5. Everyone is still looking at you.
They can see the breakdown. Again, no matter what someone else says, I feel like they can see me breaking down. And I don't like that, so I run. I run away and hide and let myself fall into an anxious episode because I don't want to burden anyone else with my problems.
6. The eventual fade.
After some minutes, the anxiety fades. Never does it ever go away. It's still there, scratching at the corner of your brain and whispering those toxic thoughts and worries into my consciousness. But it's a little calmer. Breathe now. Remember to breathe. Always keep breathing.
7. The fatigue sets in, but you can't fall asleep.
The thoughts are still there. And no matter how physically exhausted I am from the day's events, my mind is still annoyingly and painfully active, up until the point that my body just gives up and I fall asleep without realizing that I have.
8. A new day begins.
It's a new day. The thoughts are still there, but it's a different day. It's an opportunity to get things done and to cleanse my mind. It's a new day. It's a new day. It's okay now, it'll be okay for today.
9. Breathe.
Just breathe. Always stay breathing. I visualize my lungs expanding and releasing and I breathe. Always keep breathing.
Anxiety waits in the corner of my mind and preys on any and every opportunity to make an appearance. I have it more under control than I have in the past, but I don't think I will ever be fully "cured" of it. However, I try my hardest to remain optimistic that it will eventually fade as success and happiness come into my life.
I have hope.
