Hi. My name is Aurora and I journal openly about my experiences with generalized anxiety and major depressive disorder to raise awareness about the importance of mental health and the stigma surrounding mental illness. Writing is such a cathartic process, and It's my hope that in sharing these personal thoughts and experiences that others can find comfort, knowing they aren't alone or crazy. I was inspired by an anxiety attack to write about the following experience. To connect with me or read more about these topics, you can find me on Instagram as @auroralyrayoga.
When I tell you I'm having a bad day, and you ask me why, I can't tell you exactly why.
I may know what triggered it.
But that's just the beginning.
The following is what can happen in the course of a 5 minute conversation on a "bad day."
This is what major depressive disorder sounds like.
This is what generalized anxiety sounds like.
It starts with one thought.
And one leads to another.
And too many of them all at once can lead to…
A Bad day:
No, don't say it, no one wants to hear what you have to say anyways.
Why are you so anxious?
You need to get over your fear by participating.
Why did you say that?
Of course you would mention a random story that has basically nothing to do with what's going on right now.
It's completely irrelevant.
While we're at it, these feelings that you have about this whole conversation is irrelevant.
These frustrations are irrelevant.
This anxiety is irrelevant.
No one cares and it's your problem.
You created it.
It's your fault.
So stop complaining.
No one wants to hear it.
You're just like he said you were: always saying the wrong things at the wrong time.
No wonder you have social anxiety.
No wonder he left.
He never even liked you for your personality!
Did you honestly think he did?
How could he when you can barely stand yourself either?
How could it possibly be different with someone else?
They aren't interested in you for your thoughts.
They just pretend to get to know you long enough until you let your guard down.
No one can love you until you love yourself.
And that will never happen so you're screwed.
Why can't you just stay on topic for once?
You start all these projects and can't even finish any of them.
You know why?
Because you're not focused.
If you had better focus you could get things done.
Then you'd be more successful.
Little things wouldn't bother you.
Everything bothers you.
And you're pathetically trying so hard to get over things.
All the fucking time.
I see you flailing, just trying to keep your head above water and it's pathetic.
No one wants to see that.
Trying so hard to let things go.
Trying so hard all the time and all you're doing is barely getting by and making everyone around you painfully aware of your problems.
You know what your problem is?
You take things too seriously.
You take things too personally.
No one really pays that much attention.
Stop thinking you've got something valid to say.
So much for accepting things.
You can't even accept the fact that you can't accept things well.
How pathetic is that?
And you call yourself a yoga teacher?
What are you even doing with your life?
All your thoughts run in circles and you can't control them.
You've never been able to control them and you never will.
You can't pick yourself up fast enough.
Something small happens and your thoughts go tumbling out of control and before you know it you're crying.
What the hell is wrong with you?
Why can't you be like everyone else and just not be so affected by every little thing?
You cry over everything.
What does this current situation have to do with your dad dying?
Why are you sad about that all of a sudden?
You always bring the past into the present unnecessarily.
That's your problem.
You try too hard.
You try too hard to make people like you.
You care too much about what other people think.
You're uncomfortable all the time for all these stupid reasons.
No one really cares.
It was always like this and it will always be like this.
Because despite all your pathetic attempts at fixing all this, it's still a problem.
Cheers to the next 40 years of a life like this.
Good luck getting through it.
Because as hard as you try, you can’t just get rid of your personality and replace it with a new one.
And the fact that you even strive to do that is pretty embarrassing.
You have way too many insecurities.
Just get over yourself already!
"You okay?" He asks.
I look up, after staring into space.