Every time I sit down to write, the same feeling takes over my body. The pressure in my stomach circles around, my chest gets tight, and my brows furrow. I type as quickly as I can because the words come to mind quicker than my fingers can type or write. Words come in long chain or metaphors, alliterations, imagery phrases, and conjunctions. Usually after a paragraph or so, I take time to reread what I wrote and see where all of the errors occurred during the mind to finger pathway. My ideas come in spurts which is both a blessing and a curse. During my spurts, I can get papers, articles, or poems written in minutes; but, during the “dead” moments, I stare at the blank page in front of me with my stomach constantly churning.
So, why do I continue to write if I feel this way? It’s not that I don’t like to write. I have written a lot ever since I was little—especially because I seem to make more sense through my writing than through my speaking. I am observant and hyper-sensitive to emotions. I pick up social cues from others and sometimes when I speak, I will change my stance to agree with those around me or accommodate everyone. That is what a people-pleaser does.
Yet when I write, it’s just me and the page and I am only influenced by the music that fills my ears—mostly indie alternative—or the research and other literature I quote. I don’t have to please anyone. I simply get to write what I believe and I am most vulnerable and open with myself. As a person who has struggled with self-image and confidence, writing is literally my “safe zone” and place to release.
Writing has created a safe zone that is intimate but also has allowed me to spread messages and impact others. Through gaining the courage to publish pieces, I am letting people into my little world of writing and hoping they enjoy my pieces. However, if they don’t, it doesn’t offend me or worry me as much as it would in a face to face conversation. It’s not that I’m hiding behind my writing…It’s that writing has been an outlet to be me and not feel the pressures of society, friends, family, teachers, or colleagues to outwardly conform to their thoughts. I can adequately represent myself and think on my own through writing—and that is what I hope to instill to my students someday.
I chose to love writing because I saw the benefits of doing something that made me uncomfortable. Sometimes we are going to be uncomfortable and downright scared, but it's worth embracing that thing and seeing what happens. Whether that is a job opportunity, a big move, a travel adventure, or even a date, just do it and see what happens. You have nothing to lose and could ultimately gain something incredible.
