It was about beginning to middle of my high-school career when I realized I had an eating disorder. It’s not something I’ve really ever come out and said, or accepted neither has it been a topic I’ve discussed with others that is until my junior year of college.
My freshman year of high school I weighed 87 lbs. I used to think it was normal to count every single calorie I ate on some programmed app in my phone and starve myself from things I actually truly enjoyed such as pasta, ice cream or anything that wasn’t considered healthy. I convinced myself that I hated several types of foods, that I actually thoroughly enjoyed solely because they were considered “unhealthy”. I would wake up at the crack of dawn and run untill I thought I was going to faint and then come home from school and do it all over again. Between skipping meals and adding in extra workouts my body started to fade away. It was something that everyone could notice but me. In my head the bigger my thigh gap and the more my spine that stuck out, the better. Granted, I was always a smaller girl, who never really had a big appetite, but it was a disease that was not only taking over my body but it controlled my life.
I specifically remember my senior year of high school when I threw a Halloween party for my friends and I. Wearing an outfit that bared a little too much (my stomach showed and so did my legs) I thought I looked good, because I felt skinny. However my friends thought I looked sickly, too thin, and unhealthy. Being my best friends they didn’t want to hurt my feelings and blatantly state that I looked ano. However my friends would ask if I was eating, if I felt okay, how much I weighed? At the time I didn’t realize that they were scared for my life. Every time someone told me “Eat a cheeseburger” or “You are seriously the skinniest person I know” in some sick way I felt good. In some twisted world those comments encouraged me to keep it up, in my head I was achieving my goal.
I began falling asleep at my friend’s house, not going out as often because I simply didn’t have the energy and skipping meals. When my friends at school asked why I wasn’t eating I would lie and say I ate earlier or that I was going out to eat right after school. I remember the week of my prom I was so obsessed with looking “good” that I ate an apple one day and a banana the next and that’s it. I would go to the gym for hours on end and workout until I thought I was going to puke, faint or both. The weirdest part is I didn’t think that that was weird!
Eating disorders are a disease that is so hard for a person to 1. Accept and 2. Control. Over the years I have gone in and out of having this unhealthy obsession. Whether it is triggered by depression or sadness it only leaves me feeling weaker. I am only satisfied for a short amount of time; never do I feel fuller or happier. I have tried so hard to try to focus now on being healthy rather than just skinny. However sometimes I am tempted to go back to my old ways because I am surrounded by so many girls who share this common obsession.
In college eating disorders are so common it is scary. Girls compete with one another on who ate less, who worked out the most and who went the longest without eating. I see people I truly care about going through similar struggles that I have once endured. Eating only fruits and veggies and running until they feel like they’re about to faint. Throwing up after they eat a meal just to feel little again. My heart sinks when they pry for compliments because they so badly want to feed their sick addiction. I remember this feeling so fondly and it makes me feel so incredibly sad, scared and worried that someone I care for could destroy themselves yet be so blind to their own actions. I would never wish this life-altering fixation on another. People need to realize that this is more than just an infatuation it is a disease that has the ability to take not only your happiness but your life.
This internal struggle is induced by society’s image of what is considered “sexy". I believe when people begin to look at the facts they will realize that being healthy is not starving yourself but rather balancing your diet and exercising. When people start to learn to love their body and themselves for who they are, they will realize that the sexiest girls are not the ones with the biggest thigh gap but the ones with the biggest hearts the ones who are confident in their skin these are the people who will find true happiness.
It takes a huge amount of courage to admit you have a problem. I would never have uttered the words, “I had an eating disorder” if I didn’t feel that it would help others utter the same words too. I hope that in my ability to say these five words someone out there will be able to too and maybe, just maybe, it will change your world and perhaps save a life.
