My Secret To Weight Loss Is Not A Secret That I Want To Give

My Secret To Weight Loss Is Not A Secret That I Want To Give

You get highly praised when it comes to losing weight but sometimes the truth of how you did it is not all that nice.

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When it comes to dealing with a lot of mental and emotional issues, weight loss is the main factor that many do not consider to think of as a symptom of various problems and disorders. In my case, I lost weight because of unpleasant reasons and my secret that everyone wants me to give is not something I recommend.

Growing up, I would get a lot of verbal abuse from family about my weight, and also got harshly criticized on my performance in school, even if my grade was a B average. Up until recently, I realized that food was something I turned to in my times of depression and anxiety. This goes along with alcohol, marijuana, and sex as well.

Because of years of verbal abuse, I had endured, my relationship with my mom was barely good. It came to a point wherein the summer after I completed my junior year of college, we were constantly fighting. I wanted to have a bit of a social life, but she was not happy with me being out late at night. There was even a point in time where we did not speak for over a week when she found out I was dating someone.

My weight loss started that summer. Because of me and my mom's strained relationship, my anxiety was the worst it had ever been in a long time. There would be days where food disgusts me and I would eat nothing but fries.

Another change that I noticed within myself was the fact that I got full quicker. I use to be able to eat a whole burger but this time I ended up only eating half.

By the end of that summer, I had lost over 20 pounds. People were impressed by my weight loss but on the inside I was ashamed. I was not ashamed because of the way I looked but because of the way I lost my weight. I always wanted to lose weight, but the way that I lost it was not the way I planned.

Every day that I look in the mirror a small part of me wishes that I could confidently tell people how I lost weight. Never in my life would I want to tell anyone that if they want to lose weight they should be stressed and not eat for days at a time.

When people ask me, "how I do it," I honestly give them BS advice such as "eating small portions," or "walking 2 miles a day." Whatever response was good enough so people can leave me alone about it.

A person losing weight is not always that great. Although most people do not mean any harm, one advice I want to give people is to take into consideration that not all people who lose weight did it intentionally and sometimes that is a result of underlying issues they may have in their life.

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To The Person Who Feels Suicidal But Doesn't Want To Die

Suicidal thoughts are not black and white.
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Everyone assumes that if you have suicidal thoughts that means you want to die.

Suicidal thoughts are thought of in such black and white terms. Either you have suicidal thoughts and you want to die, or you don't have suicidal thoughts and you want to live. What most people don't understand is there are some stuck in the gray area of those two statements, I for one am one of them.

I've had suicidal thoughts since I was a kid.

My first recollection of it was when I came home after school one day and got in trouble; and while I was just sitting in the dining room I kept thinking, “I wonder what it would be like to take a knife from the kitchen and just shove it into my stomach." I didn't want to die, or even hurt myself for that matter. But those thoughts haven't stopped since.

I've thought about going into the bathroom and taking every single pill I could find and just drifting to sleep and never waking back up, I've thought about hurting myself to take the pain away, just a few days ago on my way to work I thought about driving my car straight into a tree. But I didn't. Why? Because even though that urge was so strong, I didn't want to die. I still don't, I don't want my life to end.

I don't think I've ever told anyone about these feelings. I don't want others to worry because the first thing anyone thinks when you tell them you have thoughts about hurting or killing yourself is that you're absolutely going to do it and they begin to panic. Yes, I have suicidal thoughts, but I don't want to die.

It's a confusing feeling, it's a scary feeling.

When the depression takes over you feel like you aren't in control. It's like you're drowning.

Every bad memory, every single thing that hurt you, every bad thing you've ever done comes back and grabs you by the ankle and drags you back under the water just as you're about the reach the surface. It's suffocating and not being able to do anything about it.

The hardest part is you never know when these thoughts are going to come. Some days you're just so happy and can't believe how good your life is, and the very next day you could be alone in a dark room unable to see because of the tears welling up in your eyes and thinking you'd be better off dead. You feel alone, you feel like a burden to everyone around you, you feel like the world would be better off without you. I wish it was something I could just turn off but I can't, no matter how hard I try.

These feelings come in waves.

It feels like you're swimming and the sun is shining and you're having a great time, until a wave comes and sucks you under into the darkness of the water. No matter how hard you try to reach the surface again a new wave comes and hits you back under again, and again, and again.

And then it just stops.

But you never know when the next wave is going to come. You never know when you're going to be sucked back under.

I always wondered if I was the only one like this.

It didn't make any sense to me, how did I think about suicide so often but not want to die? But I was thinking about it in black and white, I thought I wasn't allowed to have those feelings since I wasn't going to act on them. But then I read articles much like this one and I realized I'm not the only one. Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, and my feelings are valid.

To everyone who feels this way, you aren't alone.

I thought I was for the longest time, I thought I was the only one who felt this way and I didn't understand how I could feel this way. But please, I implore you to talk to someone, anyone, about the way you're feeling; whether it be a family member, significant other, a friend, a therapist.

My biggest mistake all these years was never telling anyone how I feel in fear that they would either brush me off because “who could be suicidal but not want to die," or panic and try to commit me to a hospital or something. Writing this article has been the greatest feeling of relief I've felt in a long time, talking about it helps. I know it's scary to tell people how you're feeling, but you're not alone and you don't have to go through this alone.

Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, your feelings are valid, and there are people here for you, you are not alone.

If you're thinking about hurting yourself please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit suicidepreventionhotline.org to live chat with someone. Help it out there and you are not alone.


Cover Image Credit: BengaliClicker

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Your Body Positivity May Be Someone Elses Body Negativity So Don't Define Your Worth With Your Curves

It's time for women to focus on being strong rather than promoting being over-weight.

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Nothing bothers me more than scrolling through my Instagram feed and coming across a photo that is hashtagged '#Fatkini' or '#TheBiggerTheBetter' or '#LoveMyCurves'.

Don't get me wrong, I love that people that lack the picture perfect body shape are comfortable with their bodies or are they?

Does it ever cross your mind that maybe these people are posting these photos because they aren't comfortable with their bodies and because they are looking for the approval they need? They are just waiting behind their screen for someone to comment, "I love this!" or "you go girl!" just so they can look in the mirror later and not feel quite as bad about what they see.

The truth is, underneath the makeup they are wearing and the clothes they are promoting, their face is broken out because they aren't healthy, their knees hurt from the extra weight, they haven't been to the gym in 2 years, they can't keep up with their kids, and their curves are screaming from the laced-up corset underneath their shirt. Maybe these people are comfortable with the skin they are in, and I hope for their sake that they are, but chances are they aren't.

Let's look at it from another point of view.

Imagine you are battling an eating disorder. You are struggling to eat, you can't gain weight, you're pale, your hair is falling out, and people are starting to notice. How would you feel if you constantly saw people promoting having the weight that you just can't seem to find? You don't see these people posting on Instagram with #SkinnyIsInny or #SkinnierIsPrettier and you shouldn't be posting about your curves either.

Don't get me wrong. I'm tall, athletic, thick thighed (thanks dad), and decently curvy buy you will never find me promoting my size or my weight and you will never ever see me bragging about my body type. Sure, I'll post a picture in a bikini or laying by the pool with friends but talking about my size is not something you will find in the caption.

It's time for women to focus on being strong rather than promoting being over-weight. Wouldn't you much rather have someone comment on your amazing quads and rounded glutes than congratulating you for snapping a picture of your cellulite?

There are plenty of ways to be comfortable with your body without talking about it in the public's eye. Wear your most flattering jeans to a restaurant, strut your stuff in your cheeky bathing suit bottoms at the pool, wear tight leggings to the gym, but never promote your size, simply because you don't know what battles the people that are seeing your #Fatkini photo are fighting.

So, remember ladies: Curvy is in, promoting it isn't. Cellulite is natural, posting pictures of it isn't. Stretch marks are proof that your body has grown and changed or maybe even supported another life but talking about them will not make the stretch marks fade. Just keep in mind that your cry for a confidence boost may be someone else's breaking point. Don't be the reason they break.

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