For this entire month of June, I've been in Madrid for a study abroad program through Slippery Rock University. I've been here for almost three weeks now and I can't begin to explain how amazing this experience has been. I am forever grateful for my parents helping me out in getting here and allowing me to have this once in a lifetime opportunity. This trip has been one of many first experiences and one of those I think has made a stronger impact me than most. I have never been extremely confident about myself, my body to be more specific, and I have struggled to find my confidence somewhere buried deep within me. I have my days where I'm proud of my body and I'm proud of how I look but like some people I have my days where I cover up with clothes so no one will see the things I think are wrong with me. It's a constant battle with myself to be truly happy with the way I look and being here in Spain, I think I've taken a right step in that direction.

Some friends and I took a weekend trip to Palma de Mallorca, an island off the coast of Spain, and one of our days was spent all day at the beach. Before this trip I had bought a bikini to wear and was determined to wear it with no apprehension in my mind and to not try and cover myself up like I always do. I almost didn't buy the bikini because I was so afraid to walk around in it in public where people would see all my stretch marks and my pudgy stomach. I bought it anyways and I wore the bikini on our day trip to the beach. The other girls I was with looked fantastic in their bathing suits, while I felt like a beached whale in mine. While I know I am not a beached whale when I wear a bikini, nor do I look like one, but the need to cover up my stomach and different parts of my body was overwhelming.

I looked around the beach and I saw different women with different body types and different sizes wearing bikinis and walking around very relaxed. I wanted to have that confidence. I wanted to feel relaxed and not worry about the way I looked in my bikini, but it was hard. I did it though. I walked around the beach, went in the water, took a boat ride around the Mediterranean ocean, and even laid out in the sand all day in my bikini. There were moments when I reached for my cover up and almost put it on to wear for the rest of the day but I told myself I had to do it. I had to wear this bikini and not worry about how I looked in it.

I learned in Spain that people are not judged or embarrassed about their bodies. They accept people as they are and think nothing of whether the person had a thigh gap or not. This helped me a lot while wearing my bikini. When I realized that the people here thought there was nothing wrong with having a little pudgy stomach or stretch marks or cellulite, I became more relaxed. I began to strut around and not worry about what I looked like in my bathing suit. I also realized that there has never been anything wrong with my body and the way I looked, it was the society that made me think this way. In Spain I've been able to wear tank tops and dresses and be comfortable in what I wear more than I have ever been while in the United States.

The society in the United States has put this stigmatism on what people should look like in order to be happy with themselves but there are so many things wrong with that. In these short few weeks that I've been here, I have seen that there is something beautiful about someone with stretch marks, cellulite, scars, and birth marks because it means they are living. They are people who are living and experiencing life where these qualities are proof of that.

I am not yet at that point where I can truly say that I am confident and inexplicably happy about my body but I'm definitely one step closer. I think now when I return home I'll be able to go to the beaches in Los Angeles and wear a bikini and not feel the need to over up so much. I'll still have that doubt about myself in the back of my mind but I will be able to push those thoughts down and enjoy myself more. This experience wearing a bikini for the first time without covering myself up has been a hard one but it is definitely one that I think has changed me for the better.