We need to stop casually dating our friends

There is a rising trend in current culture to glorify the art of “chill.” Casual coolness is an approach that is often used in dating settings, but it has subtly snuck its influence in how friendships are pursued. Commitments to others are often held loosely as a way to protect ourselves from investing too much in a person and not getting anything in return. There is a fear of being the person who cares more. In being the one who care less in a relationship—whether it is romantic or friendship—there is a significantly less chance of being hurt by the person or not seeing our expectations in the relationship met.

We are lackadaisical in our commitments to one another because we either doubt the relationship or friendship will last, or we don’t want to come on too strong. The problem with this chill culture is that it often leaves us feeling empty and lacking the deep relationships we want.

There is a desire for deep connections within us. However, we do not put any effort into cultivating these deep relationships in which we feel safe and accepted. We have adopted an expectancy of a deep, lifelong friendship happening naturally or perfectly coinciding with our busy schedules. But they do not happen naturally, and they hardly happen with complete convenience. We know that romantic relationships take a lot of hard work, yet we forget that friendships also take work.

We have taken our methods and practices of casual dating and applied it to our friendships. We love the convenience of college because there is always the promise of seeing friends every day in the dorms, at classes, or walking around campus. Although there is nothing intrinsically wrong with enjoying your best friends at close proximity, we allow that convenience make us lazy.

I have caught myself bragging about certain friendships that go weeks or months without talking and then pick back up once I return to Texas for holiday breaks. It seems like great to be able to come back to a friendship without putting a lot of time in it and go back to the way things were. But are we really friends if we are not invested in the mundane in-between phases of life?

We have technology on our phones to see and hear our friends’ voices from across the country or even across the world. But we do not use them.

We make the mistake of saying that we are too busy, but there are times in the day where even the busiest person can set aside to keep up to date with friendships. I could Facetime my best friend from home and ask her how her week is going instead of watching an episode of Grey's Anatomy during my hour-long break between classes. I can call my childhood friend as I walk back home from classes or text my old roommate from freshman year and grab a meal off-campus with her.

We don’t deserve to be with our friends celebrating the highs that life offers if we are not with them through the mundane. To have deeper friendships, we have to start placing a higher value on friendship. We have to be unafraid of being the one that cares more. Friendships will not last if you are too busy thinking about whether you are being invested in. There must be a commitment to investing in people, and a decision to ditch the superiority complex of casual friendships.