Not a day goes by when I don’t see our current dating scene being criticized in some way, shape, or form. Whether it's on social media, conversations I share with others, conversations I happen to overhear: you name it. There seems to be an overall unanimous opinion: most of us are so over the whole Netflix and chill phenomenon. More and more young people are urging each other to eradicate talking and bring back true dating. We want honesty, loyalty, and commitment. However, if this is the case, then why aren’t we doing anything about it?
We constantly tweet, text, and talk about how we wish things could go back to how they used to be when guys asked girls out on dates and got all dressed up and picked you up at your front door. If this is the case, why do we continue to partake in this hookup culture? I was stumped for awhile, but after much thought I found the answer and it is actually quite simple. Because we are scared.
We’ve all been there: We’re just talking, OK? What even is that? What does it mean? What does that entail? Who knows, honestly? But we use the term, like no other. Talking gives your relationship (situation-ship?) a pseudo-title. You can label it without really labeling it. You can hang out with this person and get to know them, but avoid the pressure of anything even remotely serious. You get the benefits from a relationship, but you can do whatever you want. After all, you’re just talking.
It’s funny how that works. We say it so nonchalant -- just talking. Only talking. Merely talking. You say it, “Oh, we’re just talking.” And all your friends know exactly what it is and what it means, no further questions necessary.
So what is the psychology behind this? Why are we so afraid? First, I think it has a lot to do with expectations. From a very young age we’ve been spoon-fed so many different, extreme, and unrealistic models of what relationships are supposed to look like. There’s Disney and reality TV and celebrity scandals and even our own parents. On one side of the spectrum, women are shown that men are dogs and all they’ll do is lie and cheat. Yet, at the same time, women are shown that men are the answer and without them, you cannot find happiness. So which side is it? No wonder we have such a hard time keeping up.
Secondly, there are options. I was always and continue to be baffled by those people that have relationship after relationship after relationship. Maybe I’m just awkward, but I strongly feel that finding people you truly like and enjoy is hard. In my (almost) 20 years of life, I can honestly only think of three guys I’ve had real feelings for, none of which I dated, by the way. Maybe this is the Disney talking, but I feel like when you want to start a relationship with someone there should be something special there, that kind of feeling that doesn’t come around that often. Not only this, but we are the internet generation. With apps like Tinder now becoming a social norm have access to thousands of lonely people just like us with the push of a button. No wonder we're not worried.
Lastly, we refuse to talk about things. I know from experience because even though I know this is terrible, I still do this. Things bother us or we want to know where we stand or we realize that we’ve developed feelings for people we never intended to, and what do we do about it? Absolutely nothing. We continue to stay in this place with this person headed to who knows where, simply because we don’t want to talk about it. Maybe it’s because when we talk about it, it actually becomes real. Or maybe it’s because we don’t want anyone to think we care, because we’re afraid of rejection, too. Or maybe we just don’t know how. We’re never taught about our feelings and how to address them; so much so, that it's just all become one big taboo.
Love has been so watered down by our generation. Yet we blame hook up culture and social media. But we need to realize that those things aren't the issue. It’s us, ourselves. This isn’t another call to end hook up culture and bring ‘dating’ back, at all. It’s a call to look at yourself and your own actions. Are you acting this way because you want to? Or are you doing it because you’re afraid?
