I suppose I've always suffered from anxiety, though that fact didn't really hit me until a few years ago. When I first started getting panic attacks, I knew something was different about this particular "phase" of my life. That maybe I had lived with a mental illness all my life, but that this was the culmination of it, that this was me growing into an adult with diagnosable anxiety.
It's hard to find things, particularly in media, which accurately represent panic attacks. A lot of times the portrayals in film of mental illnesses illustrate more extreme or rare cases -- for instance, I can't relate to someone with multiple-personality disorder.
But last week a tiny miracle happened in an animated ocean.
Last week, I saw "Finding Dory." Admittedly, I wasn't too excited as I hadn't seen "Finding Nemo" in years and sometimes honestly hate going into animated movies. I find myself thinking I'm some sort of big shot when it comes to the film industry, spouting out things like, "Oh that's in contention for an Oscar in sound editing," or some pretentious crap like that. But usually when I'm dragged into an animated film, I leave feeling just the same emotions as with live-action storytelling.
Now I may not be able to relate to having short-term memory loss a la "Memento" (pretentious film reference #1), but I can very much relate to the way it made Dory feel.
There are a few scenes in which Dory's breathing gets heavy, where the whole sea feels like it's closing in around her, where she feels alone and like she can't do anything right. All she wants to do is find her parents, but for the life of her she can't remember how to do such a thing.
And that's exactly what a panic attack feels like.
Breathing gets heavy, everything becomes loud, world stops. All I want to do is to remember how to breathe, but for the life of me I can't. All I want to do is remember that a panic attack is just that, and that I won't die from it. That the next day I will be okay. But sometimes that right there is the hardest thing in the world.
See? Just like Dory.
That little fish -- along with the wonderful woman who plays her -- is truly an inspiration. I can't say I'm surprised, as Pixar movies are meant to have such characters.
All I can say is just keep swimming. If Dory can remember, you can get through a panic attack.
