F*** this S***

F*** this S***

Mental health is a new light.
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Nope, I’m sorry, unfortunately no. There are only so many ways to say that you are not good enough. I've heard them all. I used to think that it would be better if people were just straight with me and told me when they dislike me. But that is something I would like to take back. Based on how people treat me I can assume that they don’t like me. But with the plausible deniability, I was kept from knowing for sure. Now I know where I stand. I am a roadside spectacle, a sight to be watched and laughed at. Have you ever wondered what it’s like to have lobsters crawling from your ears? I imagine it is a problem that those who see it have no idea what to do and or how to help you. But the majority of people would just ignore you, like in those videos of the people begging for help on the streets. The dirty beggar receives no aid and the well-dressed one gets help right away. I always feel like that dirty beggar. There is no way people just gloss over the obvious signs of depression. They just don’t care. No one cares about me.

No. What an awful word. If I had a nickel for every time someone told me I could not do something, I would be a very rich man. I have nothing going for me. My future is full of only failure. How do I know? The only thing I excel it is failure. The only thing I ever been good at is not being good enough. Don’t talk like that… (Insert generic motivation quote here). Oh, I never thought about it like that before! Now, I’m all better. I’m sorry, but that stuff does not really work. A quote like, “Everything happens for a reason” or, “It gets better” or, “People love you” or, “This too shall pass,” etc. last one or two days max. Other than that, they don’t actually help people. Reminding me that people love me only makes me angry that people love a loser. Does it really get better? Because it very really does. Problems overwhelm us for time to time but they very go away. It never gets better; it just gets different. Yes, every does happen for a reason. Every happens to me and the reason is that the world hates me. It tries to get rid of me like a bad kidney transplant.

People are generally nice. Nice; funny word, right? The word nice is derived from the word that created the/. word naïve. So when something or someone is “nice,” it is naïve, like most people who give empty complaints that mean nothing. If they actually cared, they would help me and listen to what I have to say. But no. They give me their quotes and generic comments. Or they compare me to them. They say, “Oh, it just like the situation I’m in…” F*** you. Then they continue, “...only, mine is worse than yours, and I handled it better.” Thanks, that’s what I needed to hear. People care for like five seconds, but getting someone to listen past that is asking too much. I’m struggling over here, but no one cares.

Have you ever struggled to get out of bed? Who hasn’t, right? Sometimes you're just too sleepy to get up. Life is wonderful! (Sarcasm) What I’m asking is, have you ever lacked all power to get up on your own? Like you have no motivation to make it to the end of the day because nothing matters anymore? That’s struggling. Your heart enters a permanent darkness. It’s a trap, a never-ending abyss. The Darkness is not a one and done trip. Once you visit once, it never leaves you. It lurks in the shadows like a panther ready to pounce at any moment. To all my friends that conquer the Darkness, does it ever go away? No, unfortunately, the Darkness never leaves. Once defeated, it regroups and waits for the next time you are weak. Therefore, it can never be conquered; only managed.

So, to all my friends with the darkness lurking behind you, I’m here for you. You have one person that will listen, not judge, and give better advice than something printed on a throw pillow. Finally, to all those people that deny me and make me feel worthless and all those that say I can’t and that I’m not good enough to succeed, I have two words for you: “Watch me.”

Cover Image Credit: https://schoolstarttime.org/early-school-start-times/depression-anxiety-fatigue/

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Everything You Will Miss If You Commit Suicide

The world needs you.
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You won't see the sunrise or have your favorite breakfast in the morning.

Instead, your family will mourn the sunrise because it means another day without you.

You will never stay up late talking to your friends or have a bonfire on a summer night.

You won't laugh until you cry again, or dance around and be silly.

You won't go on another adventure. You won't drive around under the moonlight and stars.

They'll miss you. They'll cry.

You won't fight with your siblings only to make up minutes later and laugh about it.

You won't get to interrogate your sister's fiancé when the time comes.

You won't be there to wipe away your mother's tears when she finds out that you're gone.

You won't be able to hug the ones that love you while they're waiting to wake up from the nightmare that had become their reality.

You won't be at your grandparents funeral, speaking about the good things they did in their life.

Instead, they will be at yours.

You won't find your purpose in life, the love of your life, get married or raise a family.

You won't celebrate another Christmas, Easter or birthday.

You won't turn another year older.

You will never see the places you've always dreamed of seeing.

You will not allow yourself the opportunity to get help.

This will be the last sunset you see.

You'll never see the sky change from a bright blue to purples, pinks, oranges, and yellows meshing together over the landscape again.

If the light has left your eyes and all you see is the darkness, know that it can get better. Let yourself get better.

This is what you will miss if you leave the world today.

This is who will care about you when you are gone.

You can change lives. But I hope it's not at the expense of yours.

We care. People care.

Don't let today be the end.

You don't have to live forever sad. You can be happy. It's not wrong to ask for help.

Thank you for staying. Thank you for fighting.

Suicide is a real problem that no one wants to talk about. I'm sure you're no different. But we need to talk about it. There is no difference between being suicidal and committing suicide. If someone tells you they want to kill themselves, do not think they won't do it. Do not just tell them, “Oh you'll be fine." Because when they aren't, you will wonder what you could have done to help. Sit with them however long you need to and tell them it will get better. Talk to them about their problems and tell them there is help. Be the help. Get them assistance. Remind them of all the things they will miss in life.

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline — 1-800-273-8255

Cover Image Credit: Brittani Norman

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I Never Thought I'd Have To Attend A Classmate's Funeral Two Weeks Before He Was Supposed To Graduate

Teen suicide is a taboo topic where I'm from, even if we have lost two members of the community to it in the past two years.

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One of the hardest experiences of my life happened just this week, at the funeral of a boy I barely even knew. I had gone to school with him since kindergarten but hadn't had a class with him since fifth grade, and I don't think we had talked since then. All I had ever thought of doing with my classmates two weeks before graduation was complaining about finals and maybe going to a few graduation parties.

Instead, we all left school midday to head to the largest Baptist church in town. I sat in the middle of a row of pews, surrounded by two hundred or more people that I had either gone to school with my whole life or had gone to school with at some point in the past thirteen years.

There was not a single one of them that did not have tears in their eyes. We listened to the pastor share memories of our classmate that had been shared online, and some of us even got up to share our own and to thank his parents for raising such a kind and caring, young man.

He was the type of guy to invite you to go out to eat, even if he knew you had to work, just because he didn't want you to feel forgotten about. Every single person who spoke said, "There wasn't a single thing I didn't like about this kid." They spoke those words in full truth.

The senior class was named in the obituary as honorary pallbearers. We followed the eight football players and the rest of the football team and our classmate's closest friends to a hearse waiting outside. I watched as the hearse pulled away, and I believe that is when it truly hit everyone.

He was gone, and he wasn't coming back. As the hearse pulled away, all I could see on the other side were tears streaming down the faces of some of the toughest guys I know.

We called the football team the Thunder House. The phrase "Thunder House" went from something normally said with a smile or a chuckle to something said with a melancholy tone. No one cheered when it was said anymore, they only gave sad nods and tight, depressing smiles.

Teen suicide is a taboo topic where I'm from, even if we have lost two members of the community to it in the past two years. In 2017, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention published an article stating that Americans in rural areas are more likely to die by suicide, also stating that suicide is the tenth leading cause of death in the United States.

The week before we lost our classmate, there was a walk at the school on a Saturday to raise awareness for teen suicide and depression. I only heard one teacher say anything about it beforehand. There were no signs around the school. There was no mention of it on the morning announcements. There was not a post on the school's website inviting members of the community to join us.

I truly believe that more could have been done that could have possibly prevented the heartache that has impacted a school, a family, and a community. Reach out to those you feel may be in need, and even those that you do not feel may be in need because you never know what someone is going through.

Articles on suicide prevention or recount stories of suicide or suicidal thoughts should end with the following message, written in regular weight font, styled in italics:

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline — 1-800-273-8255


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