In light of all the "13 Reasons Why" controversy, have you found yourself reliving the fact that you felt like a Hannah Baker? Or maybe you find yourself realizing that you made someone else feel that way? I know you've seen all the memes on Facebook of the jokes of suicide, or the one's of people not understanding why some need a TV show to realize they need to be nice to other people. I think there are people who have seen the show and have one strong opinion about it. I don't think there is anyone who sits on the fence, or claims Switzerland. Maybe you're the one contributing to the jokes about Hannah Baker's suicide because you don't agree with the TV show as a whole. Maybe you're the underdog who's understood that kind of pain. Maybe you used to be the cause of that kind of pain and this has opened your eyes to who you used to be, or still are.
Before we get into who I used to be and why that girl isn't worth knowing, let me make one thing clear: Suicide doesn't quite end your pain, it just passes it along to those around you, forcing it to cling to them like leaches. I will tell you what it's not: Funny. Whether that person fell to their demons or was just looking for an easy way out, it doesn't matter, It's. Not. Funny. Guess what else it's not? "A thing." It's not a new stylish pattern, or something all the cool kids are doing, yet it's the 10th leading cause of death in the United States. Clearly, people have their reasons and every situation is different, thus resulting in controversial uproar. However you feel about it, wherever you stand, just please keep in mind that some of us have lost someone in that way. Be mindful and kind to those who are hurting. One thing that will always stand to be true, is that you truly never know what someone else is going through. (Don't worry, I'll explain the "us" thing at a later date.)
Where were we before I had to get all politically correct? Oh yeah, who I used to be... That girl was an asshole. She was fearless and confident, but she was quite the bitch. She wanted to be known as a force to be reckoned with. Man, oh, man was she angry. That fuse was so short, she'd burn up so fast you could basically roast a marshmallow on command. She was a fighter, too. You 'oughta see her hands. She didn't get those scars from faces, she got them from walls and glass. Although, she did swing at a face or two. She loved too hard. She was so overly protective over the wrong things for the wrong reasons. She'd come at you ready to tear you down for what she thought was good reason, not realizing it was ultimately selfish. She had a nasty way with words and she'd tear you down without a chance to even try to stand back up. She was angry and she was mean.
Here we are years later, softening as the days and experiences pass us by, and sometimes running right through us. Tolerance, patience, warmth, acceptance, vulnerability, traits that the old me would've just laughed at, all surround me in my little introverted shell. I couldn't fathom being that girl now. Instead of being embarrassed of that girl, I own up to being her. I was angry and I was going through things kids my age shouldn't have to go through. I was showcasing sadness in a non-productive, unnecessarily mean way, that nobody deserved to witness or be a part of. If you were ever in my line of fire, there is no combination of the 26 letters that could possibly justify any of it. I can't blame what I was going through (I'll explain that later, too.), I have to hold myself accountable and be brave.
In my journey of finding closure, becoming self-aware, and healing my broken heart, I find myself reflecting on why I felt things that I felt. I'm in the process of understanding why it's made me who I am. I was doing that way before "13 Reasons Why" was released on Netflix, but that definitely made me look at the bigger picture. It made me think about how everyone else is processing and what message their taking from it. No, I didn't need to watch this show to realize that I need to be nicer to people. No, I didn't need to watch this show to gain perspective on suicide awareness, trust me on that. It just kind of fell into my lap as far as timing goes.
Whether who you used to be was an asshole, like myself, or was just a watered-down version of the overly incredible person you are now, you've learned something. You've grown, expanded, and hopefully have become better. I keep my fingers crossed that people are taking the right message from things that are supposed to bring awareness. I know there's always backlash, and things won't ever be sunshine and rainbows all the time; We're imperfect creatures. But coming from someone who just always used to see the color red, choosing to let go and look beyond that is the most imperfectly perfect thing I've ever done.
