I wake up and I take a deep breath.
I wake up and I take a deep breath and the feeling never ends.
I take a deep breath and I try to take in more.
I try to take more in and end up having to live with it.
I end up having to live with the feeling of needing just a little more.
I need just a little more.
It comes and it goes. It’s never solid, it’s never the same.
Some days are easier.
Some days I wake up and I feel normal.
I go to class, I come home, I eat a good meal, I got to bed in peace.
Some days, it’s never felt harder.
I wake up and can’t find the light.
I go to class and the feeling doesn’t fade.
I come home and the feeling doesn’t fade.
I just want to sleep and the feeling doesn’t fade.
I go to bed and the feeling never fades.
You don’t know what it’s like to feel what I feel.
I never want you to, nor would I ever ask.
It’s not a good feeling!
I’m scared.
I can’t control it, there’s never a happy medium.
You get mad when we can’t control what we’re feeling.
You get mad when we can’t figure out what our mood is that day.
You get mad when it is a bad day and nothing seems to be turning me around.
You get mad when I can’t control it.
You can’t get mad at me. That just makes it worse.
I shouldn’t have to explain myself to you.
I shouldn’t have to explain when I’m having a bad day and why.
Sometimes I don’t know. Sometimes there’s absolutely no reason; it’s just a bad day.
And no one else seems to get it.
I can explain it nine different ways and still there’s no words in the English dictionary to describe what my chest feels like or my head feels like or my body feels likes.
You can’t just shut it off.
You can’t just calm down.
You can’t just be okay.
Sometimes there isn’t an okay. You just feel like shit.
You feel like you’re gasping for air. Like you’re constantly trying to take a deep breath in and there’s no more air left.
Everything around you grows way too cold or incredibly hot.
Suddenly there’s not enough space in the room for just you.
The walls seem like they’re closing in, the roof feels like it’s getting lower.
Is the sun setting already? Suddenly it feels a lot darker.
My feet feel tingly. Suddenly it travels to my legs.
My hands feel it too.
Suddenly I feel like my whole body is shaking.
No, I don’t know when it’s going to happen.
No, I don’t know what caused it this time.
No, I don’t always know how to calm down right away.
No, there’s no magic touch to make everything better.
Sometimes, it just feels better after 60 seconds.
Sometimes, it takes 60 minutes.
This isn’t a cry for help.
This is a cry for understanding.
Understand that this isn’t easy.
This isn’t what I would wish upon anyone.
This isn’t what I chose to deal with.
This isn’t what I thought I’d be feeling day after day.
No, I don’t always need help for it.
No, I don’t have to take meds to help it.
No, I don’t need someone asking me are you okay? every hour.
I wake up and I take a deep breath.
And sometimes it’s a good day, and sometimes it’s not.
And sometimes good days turn bad, and bad days turn good.
That’s not up to you, that’s not up to me, it’s just how it happens.
I wake up and I take a deep breath.
And at least I was able to do that.
