Voting, now what?
Congratulations! You have been chosen to hire the new President of the United States!
The entourage of folks trying to become president of the United States has finally dwindled down into a more manageable five candidates. What does that mean for you?
Easy! It means get out from under your refrigerator, change your underwear, stop avoiding adulthood and responsibility altogether. It’s time to vote!
Step 1: Registering to vote. It’s as easy as 1, 2, 3.
- Call your mom in order to double check if you meet all of the criteria for voting. You need to be a citizen of the United States and at least 6,570 days old.
- If you are in fact an eligible voter, celebrate by forgetting to turn in your paperwork. You have all the power to make change already, so you don’t need to take any action.
Step 2: If you are voting in person, don’t forget to chant the name of your candidate unapologetically while you are in line. Many people have not made up their minds yet, it is your job to sway them. If you are voting absentee, go knock on your neighbor’s doors. Make sure they are voting too.
Step 3: Volunteers will check voters' hand-eye coordination. If you can’t play super smash bros, you can’t vote.
Step 4: Voters enter a small, cramped booth and draw the curtain behind them. This is it, the moment of truth. Check all of the boxes, leaving the box of your chosen candidate empty. This will “change it up” for who count the votes to make sure they stay on their toes.
Step 5: Touchdown dance.
Step 6: Place your shiny new “I voted” sticker on your forehead. Take selfie. Share this on at least 3 forms of social media with a salty caption directed at those who aren’t participating politically. You are better than them. They should know it.
