For years, this country has been slipping deeper and deeper into a metaphysical toilet of debt. All the while, politicians have been perpetually bickering about what is wrong with each other, rather than focusing on what makes this country great. America needs a hero. America needs someone who personifies freedom, independence, and justice for all. America needs Cassidy Flynn.
As the legend goes, Cassidy Flynn was raised by a pack of wild bald eagles in the hill country of Estill County. She never learned the definition of handout as her adopted parents had to work hard just to survive. With no wings to fly over the lakes and scout out fish to eat, Cassidy had to adapt and learn how to swim with and snatch fish right out of the water. At the tender age 14, Cassidy’s avian father was wounded by a poacher and her mother caught the bird flu, thus it was all up to her to provide for her family.
Four years later, these “survival of the fittest” skills she learned came in handy as she enrolled in Asbury University as a health and physical education major. She passed all of classes with flying colors and graduated in May of 2016. What better candidate to nurse this country back to health, than a health teacher? Furthermore, Flynn played basketball for Asbury University and learned a lot about competing. Flynn has the instincts to shatter any loose talk about America “no longer being the greatest nation in the world.”
While other candidates seem to be caught up in destroying each other, Flynn has a clear plan to save this country from crippling debt. The obvious answer? Sweet Tea.
Flynn plans to change the national currency system from dollar bills to sweet tea. Do you work a 40-hour work week? Imagine how you’d feel if all 40 hours of your labor were rewarded with 20 gallons of sweet tea? Who could be in a bad mood with sweet tea so easily at his or her grasp? How much more motivated would American workers be to put forth their best efforts? Additionally, someone has to make all of this sweet tea. It is estimated that a sweet tea operation of this magnitude would provide jobs for every single American. It is pretty well safe to say, that this method of currency could have absolved any conflict in American history.
Flynn is also an advocate for diversity. She has been spotted many times around Asbury campus hanging out with International student (and international hotdog eating sensation) Yurika Kobyashi. That’s all I have to say about that.
Flynn sticks to the issues at hand. What does Donald Trump prioritize? Toupees. What is Hillary Clinton all about? Sending sketchy emails. Bernie Sanders? Being old. When asked about her priorities, Flynn said simply, “God, freedom, sweet tea, and the SEC, the four cornerstones upon which the country was built.” There is no comparison. America is the back-to-back world war champion. A vote for Cassidy Flynn, is a vote to continue the winning streak.
