Recently, I came across an image of a four-year-old girl with a small gash on her cheek and early signs of bruising on the right side of her face. In the caption, her mother detailed a specific instance that bothered her when she was going to the hospital to have her daughter get stitches for her injury. Upon registering at the hospital, the employee behind the desk had asked what happened, to which the mother explained that her daughter was hit across the face with a metal toy by a little boy in her class. To this, the employee told the girl that he probably did it because he “likes her”.
First of all I would like to state that I do not believe this employee had any bad intentions towards the little girl or her mother, nor do I believe that the little boy involved is a bad child who is going to grow up to be abusive. Instead, what I primarily want to focus on is the fact that brief and seemingly harmless statements such as this can be extremely damaging.
I have encountered similarly related situations in my own childhood experiences, the media, and once while I was interning at an elementary school. In the latter example, one of the boys in my class was taunting another girl. She was visibly distressed and when she complained to the librarian, she told this little first grader that he probably treats her that way because he likes her.
Being disrespectful or hitting people is and never has been a sign of affection. When we teach little boys and girls that somebody else hurting them emotionally or physically equates to them confessing feelings of romantic interest, even at a young age, we are setting them up to excuse this kind of behavior as they get older. We are setting them up to confusing love with violence or equating caring about someone with emotional abuse.
Language like this is setting up the path to accepting things like relationship violence as a norm. It contributes to an already startlingly high statistic that is all too often swept under the rug.
1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men will have experienced domestic and intimate partner violence in their lifetime. Making statements like “He/She hurts you because they like you” is detrimental and does not help alleviate these devastating statistics.
One of the biggest obstacles that discourages survivors from leaving an abusive relationship is love. More often than not, survivors will make excuses for their partner and paint the words “love” over their bruises and emotional scars in efforts to hold onto the possibility that this person genuinely cares for them. I urge people to avoid saying harmful things like this because language like that manifests itself in society’s all too common pattern of dismissing gender violence and relationship abuse.
On a final note, I would like to say this: Love is respect. Love is captivating, but not ownership. Love is trust, and love is beautiful. Acts of love do not consist of bruises, scars, or hurling hateful words. To anyone who is experiencing dating violence or knows someone who is going through this, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233.
Language is where it begins, but dialogue is where it could end.
