Now that you've recovered from your post-Halloween combination sugar high and hangover, you've likely come to the dawning realization that it's holiday season. The time of the year that you love to hate, when you're cruelly reunited with judgmental family members and gain 15 pounds in one day (looking at you, Thanksgiving.) It's a beautiful time of year, one where family secrets are divulged over a few too many glasses of eggnog, tears are shed, fights are had, presents are exchanged, and you might make it out unscathed by the New Year.
For those of you with a firm grasp of reality or who have families like mine, which is roughly the size of a small country, you enter the holiday season excited for stuffing and nervous about the inevitable emotional fallout. Which is why I have compiled a list based on my 20 years of surviving family gatherings to guide you, dear reader, through the most wonderful time of year. Or so they say.
1. Do not, and I repeat not, get drunk with your drama-inducing relatives.
You know the ones, they always have their mouths in someone's ear whispering gossip about what so-and-so is wearing, who's screwing who, and how fat Mellie from church got. When they come to you bearing alcohol (which they always do because how else do you think they've got dirt on everyone?) you must politely decline. If you're underage use this to your advantage; it may be the one time that our ridiculously high drinking age can be useful to you (but that's another story for another time).
2. If you're bringing home your significant other to meet your family, warn them of what to expect.
This Thanksgiving I'm blessing (cursing?) my girlfriend with the honor of meeting my extensive and slightly insane family. It's exciting and a bit unnerving. I've never done this before and I want her to be prepared for the craziness that will ensue. When introducing significant others to your family always tell them what to expect, give them a run down of who's who. Its as simple as saying "Aunt Marge will be there, she likes her pug, Chipotle, and her children in that order. Don't diss burritos in her presence." (Side note: I don't have an Aunt Marge, but you get the idea.)
3. Find time for yourself, however difficult that may be.
As college students most of us don't have the ability to come home to see our families as often as we like. So when we do our families might get a little carried away. Trying to spend as much time as possible with you which is great, but at the same time a little overwhelming. It's perfectly OK to reject a request to spend the afternoon catching up if you just need a little time to yourself. No one wants to hang out with a begrudging sibling. The happier you are, the fewer fights you'll find yourself in.
4. Avoid using your smartphone constantly.
Nothing gets you called out more than using your iPhone at a family event, and for good reason. It's rude as s**t and you should be using the time to at least attempt to enjoy your family's presence. Save the subtweets for later.
5. Help out in the kitchen, it's the best way to sneak extra food.
I constantly volunteer for kitchen duty, and not because I think I'm the next Gordon Ramsay. Assisting with food prep is the best way to nonchalantly catch up with your relatives while also sneaking tastes of pumpkin pie and mashed potatoes. It's great for the socially awkward because if you get asked a question you don't want to answer like: "What are you going to do with your life?" you can just stuff your mouth full of food and chew slowly until they forget what they asked you in the first place.
6. Avoid discussing things that will likely lead to conflict.
Politics, money, and your health are just a few of the controversial and/or boring topics that should remain off the discussion table for family gatherings. In a room full of vastly different personalities you never know if your snide remark about Donald Trump is going to be met with a standing ovation or a lecture from the lone conservative uncle you have. As far as money goes, it's just rude and boring to talk about how much you have or don't have. Also, no one cares that you think you have Ebola.
7. Don't get caught talking s**t.
Everyone has a relative or someone close to them that they can't stand. After a few rounds of wine and some turkey its natural to feel a little too comfortable being open about your opinions of your uncle's new girlfriend. But please, dear reader, proceed with caution: You never know who is listening to your rant. It could come back and bite you in the ass.
8. Don't fly anywhere on the Sunday after Thanksgiving.
It's literally the worst day of the entire year to fly. Hold off on flying till Monday if you can you don't want to deal with the swarm of people heading back to their homes after a weekend of over-indulging on food and Black Friday sales. It's actual hell.
9. Wear your "eating pants" for Thanksgiving or you'll be in a world of pain
What's worse than arguing with your crazy aunt at the dinner table? A stomachache because you had three rounds of food and foolishly wore your tightest jeans. Don't be that guy/girl. Whip out the leggings, pull your hair up and eat until you can't physically lift a utensil.
10. Remember that you love your family, even though they drive you crazy.
Sometimes your relatives are the people who know exactly how to piss you off in under five seconds (I personally am an expert at making my sister Elena scream at the top of her lungs.) But regardless of their desire to drive you crazy, they still love you for whatever reason. It's hard to remember that when your sister is crushing you with a mountain of pillows and threatening to fart in your face, but it's important nevertheless.
All in all, everyone's family is different. Everyone handles the holidays in their own way and some people might find this guide completely irrelevant to their own experiences. There are different traditions for every family, and some people's relatives might even be "normal." But to all of you I wish a very happy, drama-free, delicious food-filled holiday season.
