To Whom It May Concern:
Greetings and salutations from the future!
Though human decency may compel me to reveal the many viable stock options and technological advances of the last three years, I write to inform you of the Exceptional Benevolence of Our Supreme Leader, Donald J. Trump.
Elected in a near landslide in a wild campaign against Martin O'Malley, who found himself the only Democratic candidate after Hillary and Bill were caught up in yet another sex scandal (unconfirmed reports point to Hillary's predilection to using clothespins to keep Bill's eye's peeled while she engages in lewd acts with any number of Chicano pool boys) and Bernie Sanders was visited late in the night by what he thought was the ghost of Karl Marx telling him that he made up Socialism to get laid in the 50s when, in reality, it was Jeb Bush sporting a wig desperately trying to better his chances of living up to his family name.
The crazy thing is, it worked.
I suppose the other unpredictable sequence of events surrounds the fact that, yes -- since his election, America has been made great again.
1. Realignment centers.
A firm believer in the grace of Allah, I must admit that the period of time between November and January involved an almost constant episode of stress-related diarrhea. However, since being politely encouraged to check myself into a state-owned realignment center for American Values, I'm happy to report a new tolerance and appreciation for potato, light beer, and SmithField microwavable pork products. We get to work for embarrassing wages and little benefits in The Supreme Leader's local factory. We produce his TJ Maxx ties for men in middle management with mild erectile dysfunction.
In order to uphold the separation of church and state, Supreme Leader Trump has created his own inviolable set of ethical principles. Most of which, in fact, are totally antithetical to the teachings of Christ. I myself spent 18 months learning the New American values: pursuit of pleasure over knowledge; the biggest bank account wins; exploit the doomed; Reagan-era racism in all things.
2. State-sponsored myopia.
In his gorgeously platitudinous inauguration speech, Supreme Leader Trump laid out a plan to cut funding to public radio and women's health organizations to pay for a state program wherein you can have your vision permanently worsened. The idea behind it, of course, is not being able to see what's happening right in front of you. The other obvious benefits include an excuse to hold your phone four inches from your nose, regardless of the social situation. This program has been particularly effective among millennials. I'm told that the effect is similar to a nasty case of glaucoma or macular degeneration, so scores of post-undergrad slackers bought in, hoping to secure a medical marijuana license, but to no avail. No amount of drug use rectifies the almost complete central vision loss necessary to pass sweeping changes to the structures of American government.
3. Neo-isolationism.
It started with NATO after we nuked Turkey to fulfill Secretary of State Cruz's campaign prophecy. We made everywhere we suspected an ISIS presence glow. Including (but certainly not limited to) central Nebraska and Kuala Lampur. Suddenly, the UN booted us from the Security Council which rid the panel of the pesky pro-Israel vote. Nervous about potential sanctions for the last 60 years of war crimes, Israel has sharply increased weapons purchases, strengthening the American economy at the cost of Palestinians lives. By the end of Trump's second year in office, China, Cuba, Iran, and Nigeria imposed diplomatic and economic sanctions on the US. Today, we trade only with Israel and Nepal. This has lead to a boom in domestic factory jobs since we are no longer able to exploit sweat shops abroad (and since the removal of all undocumented immigrants) a laborer is able to subsist meagerly on government-issued Trump Vodka -- provided you spend your time after work waiting in the bread line and not having a cold beer without the overseer breathing political hogwash down your neck.
4. Grand Canyon-esque economic gap.
Vice President Palin has, admittedly, struggled. But please don't think that her tireless work hasn't played an integral role in making America great again. Her only mistake was confusing the attention her family receives for their continual hi-jinx and calamities as fulfillment of the American dream. Her plan to get every American family a shot at their own reality show has yielded results no social scientist could have predicted. Striking a deal with the top one percent of cable network owners, advertisers, and the Illuminati, the rich have found themselves with (yet, again) more money than God. While her plan to keep desperate Americans dangling by the possibility of stardom has made the destitute even more so, her argument is logically sound: "I will always be taking massive Alaskan dumps. There will always be a Joe the Plumber. Why not pay them pennies and keep them happy with a pipe-dream?"
The crazy thing is, it worked. If you were like me, and once were a Trump skeptic, look past the overblown and circular rhetoric, the crippling xenophobia, the absolute detachment from reality, and realize that this is the evolutionary progression for the human species. What does it matter if Bukowski was right?
In fantastic anticipation of the next four years, I have already begun campaigning door-to-door for Supreme Leader Trump. His platform stemming from his Facebook profile pic: Supreme Leader Trump squatting over the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office, wiping his ass with The Constitution.
Until then, I remain,
Yours in blissful ignorance and constant rehabilitation,
John. J. Righteous Hypocrite
