Lie to me. Tell me that I mattered to you. Tell me that you care about me and that you want me to stay. I’ve been feeling distance radiating off of you. You subconsciously know that you are slowly drowning all of my being, I am attached to you; you know this. You’ve known it every day for over two years. You are my sun, my moon, and my entire universe. But, there’s some sort of miscommunication, leading you to gravitate away from me. I am not looking to you in hopes of finding a lover. I am looking to you in hopes of finding a best friend. For awhile, I had that from you, we were inseparable. Then, you became more comfortable around more groups of people, and I became nothing more than a grain of salt. I tried talking to you, and you told me I was just being insecure, but my insecurity didn’t grow from that. My insecurity beamed the moment you laughed at me for telling you something that made me happy. My insecurity grew from the constant reminder that I have an interest in something that no one else does. You didn’t comfort me. You destroyed me.

I remember the first time we met. I consumed an inhumane amount of Red Bull, and I needed someone to run with me to make sure I didn’t collapse, so I went to you. I remember trying to get to know you after that, so I went to Chipotle with you and Nick, and you laughed at me because I was telling a story of how I messed something up, but I was laughing too, so it’s okay. We ate lunch together every day that year. I remember taking Nick’s phone and taking weird pictures of him with you in the background. You guys were the best friends I’ve ever had, and I thank you for that. I specifically remember at some point in the year, you were giving me so much shit for eating wasabi. In that year, we had so many great memories together, and I am grateful for you.

I remember when the first year of our friendship had passed. At this point, we had already become close enough to where I could make fun of how awful you looked in pink short shorts or tell you the words that made me uncomfortable and things that got me turned on. And you liked to bother me about them, because I was infatuated with your whole existence that I thought it would be just you making fun of me for them. Everything changed though. You told a lot of people the things that got me turned on and that scared me and a lot of secrets that I trusted you with. I remember how angry I was at you for telling everyone but its okay because I forgave you. I remember a text that I sent you about how I felt about you, and maybe that’s what scared you. But we somehow overcame it later we went on our adventure to Austria, and we had that night where you, me and our friend played a pretty nasty game of truth or dare, and by the end of the night, we were all shirtless with pen tattoos drawn on and everything. I didn’t talk to you for the rest of the trip, until we sat together on the plane and the lady broke her glasses and was watching the movie about boxing. And that was the last time you really hung out with me.

I remember the first time you really hurt me. I was alone, and you knew that. You saw that, and you let it happen. So, your best friend had to ask me that night if I was okay. He saw it. He had to talk me out of something I was 2000% okay with going through with, because YOU made me feel that way. And I kept it from you and still treated you like you were the most beautiful creation this universe had ever known. I gave you another chance. I had seen the good in you before and I knew sometime I would see it again. And the same friend told me that you told him that you liked me. But when someone asked you when I was around, you said that you had never even felt anything. You then admitted to liking me in the past, it hurt, but I was okay with it. You didn’t talk to me after that though, so I was patient. I patiently waited for the arrival of someone that I should have known was never coming back. You didn’t chase me, you pushed me farther. Our conversations became less meaningful, as did I to you. I would ask if you wanted to hang out, and somehow in the two years that I’ve known you, you didn’t have ONE spare day to hang out with me. And with that, I picked up the pieces of my shattered heart, and I left.

I remember finding out that you were fueled by the idea of lying to me. I call people when I need them in emergency situations, and I called you because I knew you were bad at dealing with emotions, but I didn’t need someone to listen to me cry for hours on end, I needed someone who would make me laugh harder than anyone in this entire world, and to me, that someone was you. You told me that the mic on your phone was broken. But sometime in July, you butt dialed me. The mic didn’t sound broken, I could hear you clear as day. And it kept happening, and you told me that it was an accident, but damn, lying isn't an accident. And when I first saw you when we came back for the summer, you told me that you couldn’t receive texts because you were out of data, but later in the day I found out that you were in a group text and you were PERFECTLY CAPABLE of replying. But I wasn’t going to say anything to you, because I didn’t want to piss you off or belittle you or anything that could potentially have the power to take you over and make you feel like less of a person. Instead, I tried stretching next to you every day in band, but that just made it worse. Your voice became cold towards me. You even bailed on me at prom. I didn’t know why, it just went from summer to winter real quick. And I realized that I missed you.

I am sadly the girl that will come back and give a million second chances and still be okay with a broken heart and feeling pain because I know that sometimes we have to suffer in order to see the people we care about happy. I went back to you. Time after time, I went back. I tried to get that friendship that we used to have back, but looking back, I realized it was a one way street. I was nothing to you. Again. And it didn’t matter to me for the longest time because I knew you were happy and even if it was without me, I still wanted to see you as happy as you possibly could be, because happiness looks really good on everyone, especially you.

Because I missed you, I became obsessed with the thought of trying to win you back, and now you don’t want anything to do with me, because you were under the impression that I wanted you to be the love of my life, which is unfortunate because when I think about the future, the only one I think about is you, but I didn’t want you as anything more than a friend. I don’t want to say goodbye, because a life without you is a life I never wanted to know. I need this though. I would have given you anything, and you wouldn’t do the same for me, and I am finally not okay with it. So this is me saying goodbye to you, to us. I would have given you anything, and you wouldn’t even come close to doing the same for me, and I am finally not okay with it. This is me saying goodbye to the nights I stayed up wishing that you would come back to me as my best friend. This is me letting go of the memories of looking at each other when we had to do the birthing pose in stretch block and letting go of the person I thought you were. This is me letting go of the hug we shared after state last year, because I was so happy that I wanted to share it with you. This is me letting go of the memory of our last night together in Vienna, with the game of truth or dare until three in the morning. This is me letting go of the emotional attachment to the song Vapor, because it was our song, and right now, the words seem to match the ache I feel in my heart. This is me letting go of the very first time I talked to you, and how you had to take care of me when we were running because I had consumed six Red Bulls. But this is also me letting go of the pain I felt because of you; letting go of all of my tear stained dreams. This is me letting go of the empty promises, and letting go of the 3 months that you avoided me, and everything leading up to this. This is me letting go of everything; this is me letting go of you. I’m not sorry for this, and I’m not sorry for leaving. But, I am sorry that you never saw what you had this entire time and I won’t be sorry when you figure it out.