I feel as though there is this false notion that people in abusive relationships want to be there. Every movie I’ve ever seen feature a female lead who wants to stay in her relationship, she wants to change her boyfriend, blah blah blah. That same movie will show a woman getting hit and her friends begging her to leave. But that isn’t the case at all.

What Hollywood doesn’t show you is what happens on a daily basis. Imagine having your biggest insecurities made public and a joke by someone close to you. Imagine that same person inviting other people to make jokes about it. It’s a brainwashing of not being good enough, not being worthy of actual love. It's being told a continual lie, day in and day out, that you will never be good enough and they are only dating you out of pity. It's hearing the lie so often that it begins to sound like the truth. It's being cornered and shaken like a child’s doll.

It's then crying and being shaken harder. An abusive relationship comes in the form of a remote flying across the room and wondering if it was meant to hit you and not the wall. It's receiving flowers the next day instead of an apology. It's being bought extravagant gifts in an attempt to buy your love. What you don’t know is that we’re constantly checking what’s behind us, tip toeing around what you say because you aren’t sure what land mine will blow up today.

How do I know all this? I was once “that girl” in a carefully hidden abusive relationship. I was once that girl who was called crazy because I stayed. Little does everyone know what happened behind closed doors. You calling me crazy didn’t make me feel better and it definitely didn’t motivate me to leave either.

When we broke up, I cried not because I was sad that it was over but because I felt so relieved that it was. I felt like I had been stuck in a riptide and the harder I tried to get out, the more it swallowed me. When we broke up, it was like coming up for air for the first time and I could finally breathe again. I was no longer drowning. The next day he begged for me back. Some people say running away is the weakest thing you can do but for me, it was the strongest thing I’ve ever done for myself. Some people say running away is the weakest thing you can do but for me, it was the strongest thing I’ve ever done.

Following our break up, I learned how to truly swallow my pride. I held my head high as I walked into the police station and asked for help following his threats. I let go of all my pride as I sat there and recalled situations to the officer assigned to my case. The following years I decided to take some time off from dating. Partly because I felt as though I wasn’t ready, the other part because I felt like I needed to do some soul- searching. I was drained of my self-identity, stripped of the person I used to be.

To be honest, I came out a different person than who I was before or during. I learned to fight for myself, no matter the situation. I learned that I would rather be alone for the rest of my life and be happy than be in a relationship like that and be miserable. Forgiving him was hard. It was forgiving someone who wasn’t even sorry, who didn’t believe they did anything wrong. But I didn’t do it for him, I did it for me. The even harder part? Forgiving myself. To be completely honest, forgiving myself didn’t come until recently.

My relationship with him was something that I didn’t talk about to anyone. Talking about it was admitting that it happened, admitting that I let someone treat me like that, and admitting that I let myself believe his lies. I struggled sharing my story with other women and young girls knowing they were going through the exact same thing I did. I was so ashamed of the person I had become when I was with him that not talking about her made her seem nonexistent. I let it go to the point where I didn’t tell my parents or close friends what the full extent of our relationship was.

Now three years later, his name doesn’t make my stomach drop, the smell of his same cologne doesn’t make me nauseous, and I don’t think I could tell you what his voice sounds like. The nightmares are gone and I’m no longer afraid.

If you are in an abusive relationship or recovering from a past one, please know that are you so worthy. You are worthy of love, affection, and care. I hope that you find the strength to leave. He won't stop, it will always happen time and time again. Just because he's insecure doesn't mean you have to be. Please know that you are not alone and so many people, including myself, are standing on the sidelines, cheering you on.