To my Roommates (kind of),

It's been almost a year since we've really been able to see each other and a lot has changed. I left for boot camp while you went on your summer vacation. I worked on doing what I've said I've wanted to do for almost 12 years while you continued on with college. We went on completely different paths.

One of you said that I would have done everything and anything in order to succeed, and back then, yeah that was true. I had one goal in mind that was above everything else in my life at the time. And coming home I honestly struggled with finding a middle ground between military and civilian life. I didn't know how to drop that Marine facade that I thought I needed in order to stay even remotely sane. Because of that, I treated you in such a way that I am honestly ashamed of now.

To me, the struggles I endured before the Corps were nothing compared to the mental and physical stress I went through the months prior. I didn't realize what I was doing then, but I expected you to have the same bearing and discipline. Which was totally and completely wrong of me.

Where I had worked to conquer my own demons throughout training, I expected you to do the same. The catch was, and what I didn't pay attention to, was the fact that we had different experiences. We lived different lives. So yes, when I heard people complain about being tired or stressed, a part of me was annoyed. A part of me wanted you to go through what I had so that you could see that it's really not that bad. The thing is...I signed up for it and you didn't. So I had no room to put that on you. I had no room to react in the way I did.

And that's what I did when it came to you... I reacted instead of responding. When you react, you tend not to think about what you're saying or doing. You let your emotions take control and all the stress I went through found its outlet when I reacted.

I should have responded. I should have listened. I should have had sympathy where instead I had no patience whatsoever. The anger and emotion that I was trained to hide behind "bearing" came out. That's not what I intended.

It started with one of you. Someone I had managed to get pretty close to, and someone I struggled to let go of. This person should have been the turning point. But the stubborn, prideful Marine refused to listen and instead was blinded by the pain and love that had never fully gone away. So in turn, I blocked it out.

Then it toppled when 3 of you finally broke the silence and told me what was going on and how you really felt. It should have never gotten to that point, but it did. And this time...I listened.

I would have nightmares of walking on campus, passing you and there being absolutely nothing. No smiles, no hello's, absolutely nothing. I'd wake up in tears and that was even before all of this happened. The reality that I could lose you was too much for me so instead of you walking away, I pushed you away.

I thought that maybe it would be less painful but I was wrong.

There is no apology in the world that would absolve me of my sins and the way I treated you. There are no words that could sum up just how sorry I am and how terrible I feel about what I did to you.

I can't go back and change the past. If I could, I don't know if I would have even enlisted. know that a hook up wouldn't have happened and I would have probably finished out my Freshman year. Would things be the same between us, I don't know.

I can't go back... I can only go forward, work on bettering myself and pray that somehow you find it in your heart to forgive me.

If not, I understand. Just know that I will always care. I will protect you from the evils you don't see, and I will never forget the memories we made togrther. You were my family. There's no replacing that. Even with an EGA.

I love you. I'm sorry.

Abbatha