Dear unmedicated me,
First of all, you're going to ruin our life. You're going to get us fired from our job, you're going to either get us or someone else killed, and we're going to end up back in St. Mary's. We can only talk our way out of that situation so many times. Bipolar Disorder is very real, and it's scary.
So, I need you to take a seat in the back of my mind and let me be in control. Medicated me should always be in the spotlight, and medicated me will fight you for it. We know that the main thing we both want is for our host to be safe. Ashley needs to be safe.
I don't believe we are a robot, we are functional, rational. We have children to take care of. They look up to us, they need us. How are we supposed to help them when we're so on edge or feeling so low?
Our nephew Rowan needs us in his life. He needs his aunt to be there for him and support him. He needs to know that we care and if there comes a time he ends up needing medication, we need to be a role model. Imagine how heartbroken we would be if something happened to him, or any kids in our life. It would destroy us.
I know how free we feel without the meds, but I also know how strong we feel with them.
The paranoia is easier to handle, our mind is yelling at us all the time so the voices are quiet, we at ease.
I don't want people to be scared of us, and when you're around, they are. My family feels like they need to walk on eggshells for fear of setting us off. Remember growing up? How violent we were? I mean we tried to strangle our sister, it doesn't get more aggressive than that. Well, unless you count all the times we tried to hurt our mom.
When you're in the spotlight, leaving me in the back, all I can think is, is this the time you're going to make our host snap? You know how fragile she is. Hell, you mentioned how you make her think about what would happen if we stepped in front of a car. When you're in charge, I worry that you're going to get us killed.
Being on medication is okay.
I agree with you, we're not crazy. We just need a little help. Medicated us is happy. We're fine with being on meds, we like that it helps us. Ashley likes that it helps. Our family likes that it helps.
I'm going to bring it back to the kids. Think about them. We love them, they are our life. When we're on the meds we are able to do so much more with them. I mean, you've seen how much they adore us. We were just joking how we needed to clone ourselves because the little ones are sad when you go with the big kids and the big kids pout if you go with the little ones.
We are free, we are happy, we are okay. It's time to let me take control. It's time for you to go away. I'm sorry. I know you're the true form and you've run the show all our life, but it's time for a change. It's time to grow up. It's time to move forward.