Anyone who is friends with me on Facebook knows that I am often talking about the toxicity that I see happening on a daily basis. Whether it be online or in Overwatch, or even when I go about my daily life in public places, there are subtle things that people do that could be considered toxic or problematic. I myself am not totally guiltless.
The other day, my friends and I all met up to hang out at the movies. While we were waiting in line to get snacks at the theater, I noticed a woman currently at the counter. This woman had straight blonde hair, sunglasses on top of her head, a tan that would make leather jealous, and 3 kids. Now, my friends and I are fairly patient, as we arrived to the theater early and knew that we still had ample time to get in there and get some seats for ourselves. Nonetheless, we found ourselves waiting a grand total of 10 minutes behind this woman while she ordered her ungodly amount of snacks and popcorn. It was probably another 5 minutes after we switched lines that she was still there. Even after we got our orders done, she was still there. When I looked at this lady after getting impatient with how long she was taking, all I said to my friend was, “Let’s move, this bitch is taking too long.”
I assumed she was a bitch because she was wearing heels, and was tan and blonde, and had more kids than I ever want. I assumed that, because she had the markers of what our society labels as a bitch, and because she carried herself in a “bitchy” manner, that what I thought about her was the truth. I do not know this woman. I did not see where she went after that encounter, but in that moment, I judged her to be a bitch.
Flash-forward to when we finally make it into the theater we’re assigned to. We find a mostly empty row with someone’s stuff settled in the middle but no one around, so we take the seats nearby. Not 5 minutes later a man comes in, and at first he seems pretty normal, except he doesn’t say excuse me or anything before moving past us. Anyone who knows me knows that I find that kind of behavior to be extremely rude. So he goes out, and comes back in with even more snacks for some reason-- but hey, it’s a movie, treat yo self. But then he goes out again, and this time I don’t notice in time to pull my feet out of the way and he trips over me a little. He doesn’t say anything about it, but I’m starting to get weird vibes.
While the man is gone, I convince my friends that we should move, since I am the most protective of our group and the most likely to get into a scrap with someone for touching one of my friends. As we move to the row behind us, I hear the man at the end of our new row say, “Yeah, smart move girls. That guy is a little off.” And my friend next to me whispers, “Yeah, Uncle over there will protect us.”
The man comes back, and now that we’re not sitting next to him I have a clearer look at what "Uncle" meant. He didn’t seem to be verbal, but he shook his hands and made symbols that didn't seem to be sign language. He also went up to a couple that sat down in his row and attempted to get high fives from them. He got one from each, but then hovered as if he wanted more. The couple left after he turned his back.
It was then that I started to wonder, “Is this dude crazy? Like, do I need to actually fight someone?” The answer was no, because a theater attendant came in shortly after two other girls sat down in the row and he left for the third time since our arrival. The attendant told the girls, and then us, that the man was a regular, but that he was mentally challenged. He wasn’t going to hurt anyone, but he was asked to move to the lower rows so he wouldn’t disturb anyone. I instantly felt bad. He just wanted to enjoy the movie like the rest of us.
My mother taught me how to identify certain types of people, and even goes out of her way to put herself in between certain people and myself if we’re out somewhere. I have picked up on these same cues and behaviors to look out for in people, but I also realized that a lot of the people she was avoiding were the homeless, or those who appeared to be crazy. She knowingly taught me to judge a person based on their looks, to not make eye contact with homeless or mentally ill people, and many other things that have influenced my way of thinking for at least the past 16 years. I know better now, yes, and I am doing my best to unlearn these reactions, but sometimes I cannot help but walk faster if I encounter a person on the bridge alone at night. I can’t help but grip my pepper spray and knife when walking around the open air mall, because homeless and mentally ill people abound in there. I am trying to unlearn all of the terrible, split second judgements I make about people, but sometimes I need them. I’m doing my best not to be so judgey and mean, but it will take time. I am unlearning these things, slowly but surely.
