The Unexpected Feeling That Comes When You Start To Achieve Your Goals

The Unexpected Feeling That Comes When You Start To Achieve Your Goals

This is the article I needed at 13 years old, so I’m writing it now

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There are few moments in a person's life that call for widespread celebration and within those moments are one billion flecks of emotions. These emotions come so quick and fast like lightning bolts you sometimes can't grasp them; can't put a name to them. All you know is that they take up your entire being and exude from every pore. It is joy that can not be contained in simple adjectives and contentment that almost feels too good to be true. I say these emotions come in times of celebration because it is those times in which we have reached a new milestone. It is where we often take a deep breath, look at how far we've come and also how much further we are willing to go which can be rather bittersweet.

I have had the privilege of being endlessly celebrated these past couple weeks by a support system like no other. I have been celebrated by teachers who wish me luck on future endeavors, by friends who share my pride in all I've achieved but hate to see me go and by family who care for me in indescribable ways. The summer before college has proved to be one extravagant memorialization of both my past accomplishments and future goals. I am exactly where I want to be in life and could not be happier, which is why I found it rather odd that I could not stop crying. In a storm of emotions that I have been grasping at, it seemed I could only collect tears.

It simply made no sense and for someone who is rather good with words, it is so frustrating to be unable to define what I was feeling.

Just last weekend, I had my family graduation party. It was nothing spectacular, exactly what you would expect from a family get together. Card after card, hug after hug, "i love you" after "i love you." With each token of affection my heart seemed to swell much like the tears in my eyes. When the day was over and I began to say my goodbyes, I turned to my Aunt and gave her the usual hug and kiss but when she pulled away I noticed her expression had fallen. She thought this moment was the real goodbye, the last time I'd see her before going across the country for school. I quickly reassured her that it wasn't and all the light seemed to reenter the room. I left and thought to myself: "Who would have thought that one day I'd be this happy and feel this loved?" And that was it. The emotion that I was grasping that pulled tears from my eyes every moment it could. It turns out, there's actually a word for it.

ÉNOUMENT:

the bittersweetness of having arrived in the future, seeing how things turn out, but not being able to tell your past self

In our lowest of lows, we dream of better days. Énoument is the exact rush of bittersweet joy you receive when you realize you are living amongst the better days. I am beyond proud of the person I am today but I ache for the person I once was, my younger self who thought I might not be able to make it this far. In these instants of celebration, I wish my former self could see that the lows made for some incredible, incredible highs.

As my own personal form of closure with these feelings, If I could go back in time and speak to 13 year old me, I would say:

"One day you are just going to realize that you made it and you are going to feel so undeniably loved."


Which is what I say to the pieces of myself I see in others. This is the article I wish I had five years ago, so this is the article I am giving to that girl and anyone like her. To my siblings, my friends, anybody who needs to make it through a rough spot, better days are coming and this is your sign.

Cover Image Credit:

Natalia Carbuccia

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I'm A Woman And You Can't Convince Me Breastfeeding In Public Is OK In 2019

Sorry, not sorry.

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Lately, I have seen so many people going off on social media about how people shouldn't be upset with mothers breastfeeding in public. You know what? I disagree.

There's a huge difference between being modest while breastfeeding and just being straight up careless, trashy and disrespectful to those around you. Why don't you try popping out a boob without a baby attached to it and see how long it takes for you to get arrested for public indecency? Strange how that works, right?

So many people talking about it bring up the point of how we shouldn't "sexualize" breastfeeding and seeing a woman's breasts while doing so. Actually, all of these people are missing the point. It's not sexual, it's just purely immodest and disrespectful.

If you see a girl in a shirt cut too low, you call her a slut. If you see a celebrity post a nude photo, you call them immodest and a terrible role model. What makes you think that pulling out a breast in the middle of public is different, regardless of what you're doing with it?

If I'm eating in a restaurant, I would be disgusted if the person at the table next to me had their bare feet out while they were eating. It's just not appropriate. Neither is pulling out your breast for the entire general public to see.

Nobody asked you to put a blanket over your kid's head to feed them. Nobody asked you to go feed them in a dirty bathroom. But you don't need to basically be topless to feed your kid. Growing up, I watched my mom feed my younger siblings in public. She never shied away from it, but the way she did it was always tasteful and never drew attention. She would cover herself up while doing it. She would make sure that nothing inappropriate could be seen. She was lowkey about it.

Mindblowing, right? Wait, you can actually breastfeed in public and not have to show everyone what you're doing? What a revolutionary idea!

There is nothing wrong with feeding your baby. It's something you need to do, it's a part of life. But there is definitely something wrong with thinking it's fine to expose yourself to the entire world while doing it. Nobody wants to see it. Nobody cares if you're feeding your kid. Nobody cares if you're trying to make some sort of weird "feminist" statement by showing them your boobs.

Cover up. Be modest. Be mindful. Be respectful. Don't want to see my boobs? Good, I don't want to see yours either. Hard to believe, I know.

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For Camille, With Love

To my godmother, my second mom, my rooted confidence, my support

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First grade, March. It was my first birthday without my mom. You through a huge party for me, a sleepover with friends from school. It included dress up games and making pizza and Disney trivia. You, along with help from my grandma, threw me the best birthday party a 7-year-old could possibly want.

During elementary school, I carpooled with you and a few of the neighborhood kids. I was always the last one to be dropped off, sometimes you would sneak a donut for me. Living next door to you was a blessing. You helped me with everything. In second grade, you helped me rehearse lines for history day so I could get extra credit. In 4th grade, you helped me build my California mission.

You and your sister came out to my 6th grade "graduation". You bought me balloons and made me feel as if moving onto middle school was the coolest thing in the entire world.

While you moved away from next door, you were a constant in my life. Going to Ruby's Diner for my birthday, seeing movies at the Irvine Spectrum and just hanging out, I saw you all the time. During these times, you told me about all of the silly things you did with my mom and dad, how my mom was your best friend. I couldn't have had a greater godmother.

In middle school, you pushed me to do my best and to enroll in honors. You helped me through puberty and the awkward stages of being a woman.

Every single time I saw you, it would light up my entire day, my week. You were more than my godmother, you were my second mom. You understood things that my grandma didn't.

When you married John, you included me in your wedding. I still have that picture of you, Jessica, Aaron and myself on my wall at college. I was so happy for you.

Freshmen year of high school, you told me to do my best. I did my best because of you. When my grandma passed away that year, your shoulder was the one I wanted to cry on.

You were there when I needed to escape home. You understood me when I thought no one would. You helped me learn to drive, letting me drive all the way from San Clemente to Orange.

When I was applying to colleges, you encouraged me to spread my wings and fly. You told me I should explore, get out of California. I wanted to study in London, you told me to do it. That's why, when I study abroad this Spring in London, I will do it for you.

When I had gotten into UWT, you told me to go there. I did and here I am, succeeding and living my best in Tacoma. I do it for you, because of you.

When I graduated high school and I was able to deliver a speech during our baccalaureate, you cheered me on. You recorded it for me, so I could show people who weren't able to make it to the ceremony. You were one of the few people able to come to my actual graduation. You helped me celebrate the accomplishments and awards from my hard work.

When your cancer came back, I was so worried. I was afraid for you, I was afraid of what I would do without the support you had always given me. When I was in Rome, I went to the Vatican and had gotten a Cross with a purple gem in the middle blessed by the Pope to help you with your treatments. It was something from me and a little bit of my mom in the necklace, the gem.

Now, sitting so far from you away at college just like you wanted me to. I miss you. I wish I was there to say goodbye.

I'll travel the world for you, write lots of stories and books for you, I will live life to the fullest for you.

You are another angel taken too early in life. Please say hello to my parents and grandma in Heaven for me.

Lots of love,

Haiden

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