The Unexpected Feeling That Comes When You Start To Achieve Your Goals

The Unexpected Feeling That Comes When You Start To Achieve Your Goals

This is the article I needed at 13 years old, so I’m writing it now

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There are few moments in a person's life that call for widespread celebration and within those moments are one billion flecks of emotions. These emotions come so quick and fast like lightning bolts you sometimes can't grasp them; can't put a name to them. All you know is that they take up your entire being and exude from every pore. It is joy that can not be contained in simple adjectives and contentment that almost feels too good to be true. I say these emotions come in times of celebration because it is those times in which we have reached a new milestone. It is where we often take a deep breath, look at how far we've come and also how much further we are willing to go which can be rather bittersweet.

I have had the privilege of being endlessly celebrated these past couple weeks by a support system like no other. I have been celebrated by teachers who wish me luck on future endeavors, by friends who share my pride in all I've achieved but hate to see me go and by family who care for me in indescribable ways. The summer before college has proved to be one extravagant memorialization of both my past accomplishments and future goals. I am exactly where I want to be in life and could not be happier, which is why I found it rather odd that I could not stop crying. In a storm of emotions that I have been grasping at, it seemed I could only collect tears.

It simply made no sense and for someone who is rather good with words, it is so frustrating to be unable to define what I was feeling.

Just last weekend, I had my family graduation party. It was nothing spectacular, exactly what you would expect from a family get together. Card after card, hug after hug, "i love you" after "i love you." With each token of affection my heart seemed to swell much like the tears in my eyes. When the day was over and I began to say my goodbyes, I turned to my Aunt and gave her the usual hug and kiss but when she pulled away I noticed her expression had fallen. She thought this moment was the real goodbye, the last time I'd see her before going across the country for school. I quickly reassured her that it wasn't and all the light seemed to reenter the room. I left and thought to myself: "Who would have thought that one day I'd be this happy and feel this loved?" And that was it. The emotion that I was grasping that pulled tears from my eyes every moment it could. It turns out, there's actually a word for it.

ÉNOUMENT:

the bittersweetness of having arrived in the future, seeing how things turn out, but not being able to tell your past self

In our lowest of lows, we dream of better days. Énoument is the exact rush of bittersweet joy you receive when you realize you are living amongst the better days. I am beyond proud of the person I am today but I ache for the person I once was, my younger self who thought I might not be able to make it this far. In these instants of celebration, I wish my former self could see that the lows made for some incredible, incredible highs.

As my own personal form of closure with these feelings, If I could go back in time and speak to 13 year old me, I would say:

"One day you are just going to realize that you made it and you are going to feel so undeniably loved."


Which is what I say to the pieces of myself I see in others. This is the article I wish I had five years ago, so this is the article I am giving to that girl and anyone like her. To my siblings, my friends, anybody who needs to make it through a rough spot, better days are coming and this is your sign.

Cover Image Credit:

Natalia Carbuccia

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I'm That Girl With A Deep Voice, But I'm Not Some Freak Of Nature

I have learned to hold back tears when someone tells me that I sound like a man.

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My voice is deep. Always has been, always will be. I joke that rather than getting higher, my voice got lower throughout puberty.

My voice is deep. Always has been, always will be. I have learned to laugh when my family members say "Hi Todd" when they pick up the phone when I call. Todd is my brother. I am a girl.

My voice is deep. Always has been, always will be. I have learned to laugh when I have been asked by other females if they're "in the right bathroom" when I tell them "I'm not in line" or "someone's in here" when there's a knock on the stall.

Keep in mind that in most female bathrooms, there are no urinals present and there is a sign outside the door that says "WOMEN." Quite obviously, they're in the correct bathroom, just thrown off by the octave of my voice.

For the girl who asked me if she was in the right bathroom because she was "caught off guard and thought I was a boy," I'm just wondering...

What part about my long hair, mascara, shorts not down to my knees, presence (small presence, but a presence none the less) of boobs, and just my overall demeanor was not enough validation that you are, in fact, in the correct restroom?

My voice is deep. Always has been, always will be. I have learned to hold back tears when someone tells me that I sound like a man. Or, when someone calls me over to talk to their friends so they can see how "offsetting" my voice sounds to them.

My favorite story is when I was in a store, and I asked one of the women there a question about a product.

This woman had the audacity to ask me when I "went through my transformation."

She was suggesting that I was a transgender girl because of the sound of my voice. Please recognize that I respect and wholeheartedly accept the trans- population. Please also recognize that I was born a girl, still am a girl, always will be a girl, and asking someone if they are a different gender than they appear to be is not the best way to make a sale.

Frustrated, I told her that she should find a better plastic surgeon and walked out.

My voice is deep. Always has been, always will be.

And, to make matters worse, I am not your typical "girly-girl."

I die for the New York Rangers, have maybe two dresses in my closet but three shelves full of hand-me-down sweatshirts from my brother and Adidas pants. I do not own a "blouse" nor do I plan on owning one except maybe for business-casual occasions.

Naturally, when a deep voice is paired with a sports-oriented, athletic short-loving, sarcastic girl who couldn't tell you the difference between a stiletto and an average high-heel, I GUESS things can seem "off." However, regardless of the difference you see/hear, no one has the right to make someone feel bad about themselves.

What I always struggled with the most is how (most, moral, common-sense) people will never tell someone they don't know, who may be overweight, that "they're fat" or that they don't like the shirt that they're wearing. Yet, because my voice is not something physically seen, it has become fair game for strangers and acquaintances alike to judge and make comments about.

I used to break down into hysterics when I heard a comment about my voice, whether I was six years old or seventeen years old.

There are times that I still do because I am so fed up and just completely bamboozled by the fact that at the age of twenty, there are still people who just have a blatant disregard for others' feelings and a lack of understanding of what is okay to say and what is not okay to say.

But, just like I ask those people not to judge me, I suppose I can't judge them on their lack of common sense and respect for others.

I'd be lying if I said that the hundreds of thousands of comments I've heard and received targeted at my voice growing up did not play a role in my life. I used to want to be a sports broadcaster. I no longer want to be heard on the radio or seen on TV; snarky comments about my voice being one of the reasons why (among others, like a change of interest and just overall life experiences).

I'd be lying if I said that my struggle with public speaking didn't partially stem from negative feedback about my voice.

I'd be lying if I said that there weren't days I tried to talk as little as possible because I didn't want to be judged and that I am sometimes hesitant to introduce myself to new people because I'm scared my voice will scare them away.

I would also be lying if I said that my voice didn't make me who I am.

I joke constantly about it now, because half the shit that comes out of my mouth mixed with my actions, interests, beliefs, etc., would sound absolutely WHACK if I had a high-pitched "girly" voice.

My voice matches my personality perfectly, and the criticism I have and continue to receive for my "manly" sounding voice has helped shaped me into who I am today. I have learned to love my voice when people have relentlessly tried to make me hate it. I have learned to take the frustration I felt towards my voice and turn it into sympathy for those who have something going on in their life, and therefore feel compelled to make a comment about me, a stranger's voice, to make themselves feel better.

I've learned that to laugh at yourself is to love yourself.

And, I say this not for sympathy. Not for someone to say, "Wait, Syd, I love your voice!"

I say this because I want it to be a reminder for people to watch what they say, and use that noggin before you speak. I say this because I also want to be the voice (haha, get it, 'voice') for those who feel like they've lost theirs.

My voice is deep. Always has been, always will be. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

So no, I would not be a good alto in a choir because I think I'm tone deaf. And, when you call MY phone number, it is very unlikely that it is my brother or dad answering. Just say hello, because 99.9% of the time, if it's ME you're calling, it's ME that's answering.

Dr. Suess said, "A person's a person no matter how small."

Now I'm saying, "A girl is a girl no matter her octave."

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Accomplish Your Goals, Don't Fear Them

You've set goals, now it is time to work towards them.

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Fearing something that has yet to happen wastes time that you could actually use to better yourself.

And that is exactly what I plan on fixing NOW and so should you. Yes, I do fear the act of growing but it won't stop me. Some days, it seems so hard just to keep going. You can have your long-term goals in sight, but yet you are questioning if what you currently have to do in order to get there is worth it.

Then I remember, nothing was achieved in the comfort zone. Everything I want is not where I am currently today. Rather it is located in places I have yet to tap into. I must get there. We must get there. To places that really push us as nothing has before. With this great push will come the tremendous growth that we need. It doesn't matter how long it takes us to get there, we just must keep going.

I am going to end by saying this: it's okay to be scared, but don't let it stop you. You have to find your voice even when it's lost among others no matter how hard it gets or how inconsequential you think your ideas may be.

Work hard to prove to yourself and others that you indeed can do it. Find your passion in life and run with it hard. Working towards your goals no matter what they are, will be hard. Yes, you will have success, but there will also be seasons of doubt. In those seasons, you must find ways to overcome them.

Imagine if you decide to stay where you were right now; would you be happy? Would you be happy and content with what you have accomplished? If not, work on fixing that. The time is now to figure out your hopes and dreams and work towards getting to that point. There are 24 hours in a day and today is the day to start making the change we desire.


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