There are few moments in a person's life that call for widespread celebration and within those moments are one billion flecks of emotions. These emotions come so quick and fast like lightning bolts you sometimes can't grasp them; can't put a name to them. All you know is that they take up your entire being and exude from every pore. It is joy that can not be contained in simple adjectives and contentment that almost feels too good to be true. I say these emotions come in times of celebration because it is those times in which we have reached a new milestone. It is where we often take a deep breath, look at how far we've come and also how much further we are willing to go which can be rather bittersweet.
I have had the privilege of being endlessly celebrated these past couple weeks by a support system like no other. I have been celebrated by teachers who wish me luck on future endeavors, by friends who share my pride in all I've achieved but hate to see me go and by family who care for me in indescribable ways. The summer before college has proved to be one extravagant memorialization of both my past accomplishments and future goals. I am exactly where I want to be in life and could not be happier, which is why I found it rather odd that I could not stop crying. In a storm of emotions that I have been grasping at, it seemed I could only collect tears.
It simply made no sense and for someone who is rather good with words, it is so frustrating to be unable to define what I was feeling.
Just last weekend, I had my family graduation party. It was nothing spectacular, exactly what you would expect from a family get together. Card after card, hug after hug, "i love you" after "i love you." With each token of affection my heart seemed to swell much like the tears in my eyes. When the day was over and I began to say my goodbyes, I turned to my Aunt and gave her the usual hug and kiss but when she pulled away I noticed her expression had fallen. She thought this moment was the real goodbye, the last time I'd see her before going across the country for school. I quickly reassured her that it wasn't and all the light seemed to reenter the room. I left and thought to myself: "Who would have thought that one day I'd be this happy and feel this loved?" And that was it. The emotion that I was grasping that pulled tears from my eyes every moment it could. It turns out, there's actually a word for it.
the bittersweetness of having arrived in the future, seeing how things turn out, but not being able to tell your past self
In our lowest of lows, we dream of better days. Énoument is the exact rush of bittersweet joy you receive when you realize you are living amongst the better days. I am beyond proud of the person I am today but I ache for the person I once was, my younger self who thought I might not be able to make it this far. In these instants of celebration, I wish my former self could see that the lows made for some incredible, incredible highs.
As my own personal form of closure with these feelings, If I could go back in time and speak to 13 year old me, I would say:
"One day you are just going to realize that you made it and you are going to feel so undeniably loved."
Which is what I say to the pieces of myself I see in others. This is the article I wish I had five years ago, so this is the article I am giving to that girl and anyone like her. To my siblings, my friends, anybody who needs to make it through a rough spot, better days are coming and this is your sign.