It came on a sunny day in July. I was driving home with my windows down, my favorite music blaring, and I was alone. I had this sudden overwhelming feeling that was completely unfamiliar to me. It was warm. It bubbled out of me and I felt tingly all over. I couldn’t stop smiling. It felt like my head was rushing a million miles per hour. This was the exact moment when I realized I knew what it meant to be happy.

I don’t know if that sounds corny or stupid but it’s really how it happened.

Since high school, probably even before then, I’ve struggled with depression. It was never really something I addressed until I became older. I didn’t understand that I had a mental illness — I just thought it was normal to feel the way I did. The only word I can really think of is void. Void of happiness, void of sadness, void of any emotion at all.

I felt like I was floating along in life and my only job was merely to physically be there, but I was never truly present in my life. The worst part of it all is how it felt like what life was normally like. This lack of feeling was my current reality and it would stay that way until I died. I simply couldn’t recognize my own afflictions.

It wasn’t until my freshman year of college that I realized what was going on. My transition from high school to college was a little rough, and my unrecognized mental issues were mostly to blame for it. I shut myself off from the world, I refused to reach out to new people, and I abused the relationships I had already made.

The turning point of my mental health comes in late spring of 2017, after a long and deep conversation with my friend. I realized that no matter what amazing and wonderful things happen in my life, I will always focus on the few small negative things. Instead of appreciating a good grade, I overthink how I could’ve done even better. Instead of having a great weekend, I think of all the things that could go wrong and choose to stay in. I was my own greatest enemy. I hung out inside my head far too often and it was a dark place clouded by negativity — it was not a safe place for me to be.

So I took a step back from myself. I started saying yes to things I would normally say no to, I smiled more, I focused on the positives — I latched onto every little good thing that happened to me. I took that feeling and ran with it, and I stopped listening to the negative voice in my head. I began to use even the smallest positive happenings as building blocks to my new life.

I began examining my own behavior. On paper, my life was incredible. I have traveled to amazing places, I have incredible friends, a supportive family, I go to a great school, I’ve had great mentors, I am simply blessed. So why could I recognize that I had every opportunity to be happy but could not actually feel happy? I figured maybe I was just broken, and forever destined to feel this way.

But I continued to change my thinking, and I stopped looking at happiness as a feeling or a goal, but instead as a destination. Happiness, like any other destination, can be hard to get to, depending on where you’re starting from. Some people live there, some only stay for a little while, and others have never even been there.

This fundamental change in the way I perceived happiness was exactly how I finally discovered what it meant to be happy. It’s not some hill you climb and then get to sit on forever. It’s a destination that is maybe difficult to get to, and you might not be able to stay forever, but it’s always there, and you can always return if you make the trip again. Happiness, like beachfront property, is a desirable location to be. It's expensive, but you don't use money to pay the rent, you have to constantly work to maintain your mental state.

I stopped trying to reach this unattainable goal and instead began to maintain a certain way of thinking and lifestyle that supported happiness. I started to learn how to be okay with not feeling happy, and how to translate those bad days, weeks, or maybe even months into learning moments on how to better maintain my happiness in the future.

It is difficult to remain positive at all times. Sometimes I slip up and let the weight of the world knock me down, but it’s been happening less and less because every time I let it happen I realize letting go of positive thinking will always leave you worse off.

I feel invincible, lately. I can’t stop smiling — even when I’m just walking to class, and even on cloudy days. I fall asleep thinking about all the wonderful things that happened during my day and all the wonderful things that’ll happen tomorrow. I let go of the things, the people, and the ideas that weigh me down. I am happy. I might not be here for long, but I will always bounce back. And who knows? Maybe I will just be here forever.