Five.

That lump in my throat feels as though it is now the size of a baseball.

Four.

To make matters worse, the air around me is turning to the consistency of maple syrup. Nearly choking me with every short breath.

Three.

The hard directional lights beating down on my forehead begin to rival the sun’s rays. A single bead of sweat running down my face might as well be a flowing river.

Two.

The room suddenly goes dark for about half a moment as my mind starts to race at a mile a minute. My heart is seemingly beating out of my chest. Goosebumps spread all the way to the tips of my toes.

One.

Here are those exact five seconds as the rest of the world sees them. I straighten my tie, take a deep breath, look down at my script, look up at the now beaming tally light and spout something along the lines of, good evening, I’m Kyle Bryans. The inner struggle I face before the mics kick on goes virtually unnoticed.

In a business where my name, face and personality are important to establishing yourself, suffering from even a mild form of social anxiety can be a daily uphill battle. For someone who has really never been fond of being in front of the camera, microphone, crowds, or pretty much anyone for that matter, forcing myself to put myself out there was and still is no easy task. Knowing one's self is important to making life changes. When I came to Plattsburgh, I was committed to tackling my social anxiety.

Now, I’ve never been the smoothest son-of-a-gun this side of the Mississippi. It takes me a long time to get comfortable in a situation. You’ll rarely see me out and about around town chatting up strangers at bars or parties. Well, by rarely I really mean never. I was committed to being an outsider. A quiet statue in the corner, silently working, never letting anyone, not even myself see my full potential as fear of failure or ridicule would quickly flow in and flood my mind with negative thoughts for the next several weeks. Affecting my ability to grow personally and professionally. It makes forming personal or professional relationships virtually impossible as a times, sometimes I would just be too nervous to even speak. I was determined to halt the vicious cycle of isolation and self-doubt. I knew the only way I could start to cope with this, is to do the one thing I always dread, throw myself into the limelight.

I started off slow, hosting my own radio show. After ignoring my default reaction after the first few shows that went absolutely terrible, I saw my confidence slowly start to rise. Having my own invisibility cloak, shielding my nervous facial expressions from the world helped me throw myself more and more into the college fray. Last semester I decided to do the previously unthinkable, put myself on camera. After a couple of awkward weeks, I saw a complete change in myself, more sociable, more approachable, and, above all else, happier; a more confident self.

I do still get the knots in my stomach, the lumps in my throat, the passing thoughts of self-doubt. I still have some sleepless nights thinking about how I tripped over some words on camera or over my feet in the hallway. I still have somewhat of a tough time getting to know new people outside of cracking a few jokes. But today, I know I am much better than I used to be. With every passing day my confidence continues to grow, and maybe having that anxiety can end up being a good thing, it’ll help knock me down a few pegs if my head ever gets a little too big.

Will I ever get completely over my social phobias? Most likely not, but it has gotten easier. I still struggle at times, just as many more like me do. It has taken a lot to get me to where I am now. I know there are many more silent people like me, who suffer from the same debilitating mental block. So this is for the shy kid who is standing in the corner afraid to mingle, for the student up half the night embarrassed because he or she spoke up in class and was wrong, and for the person who has always been nervous to put themselves out there because they were too embarrassed, it gets better. You’ll get knocked down, but keep trying as scary as it may be. It will take some time but, trust me, the rewards are surely worth it.

Fade to black.