The day had finally arrived. I crammed one last box overflowing with microwavable mac 'n' cheese, laundry detergent, and other college dorm essentials into the trunk of the car, wedging it in amongst the other containers, all stuffed to the brim. Then I shut the door, leaving my eyes directly level with the "UMass Amherst" sticker that adorns the rear window of my mother's red minivan.

UMass Amherst. When it came time for me to look for colleges, I hadn't a clue where I wanted to go. I was barely sure I wanted to go to college; the prospect seemed daunting and terrifying. Living on my own? Fending for myself in a dining hall full of food? Spending hours cramming for an exam the very next day?

But by pure chance, UMass was recommended to me by a friend who knew I was in my junior year and had started the long and arduous process of applying to colleges. I have no desire to ever do that again in my life, and was none too happy about it at the time, either. However, I decided to look up UMass one night and felt a burst of excitement surge through me like a tidal wave.

I saw pictures of the DuBois library and the old chapel. I read about classes I could take on creative writing, ceramics, classics, and a whole bunch of other subjects that start with other letters. I took in reviews that sang the school's praises with wide open eyes and an increasingly large smile. Sitting there, grinning like an idiot at my laptop, I made a decision.

I wanted to go to UMass Amherst.

Fast forward past a whirlwind freshman year full of all sorts of experiences. After packing up the car, my family shipped me off to UMass for my second year of college. I was in the middle of my first semester of sophomore year, and unlike the talented surfer I'd emulated, riding the waves of college with blissful ease, I found myself drowning in the middle of an ocean of panic with no help in sight. My anorexia had taken full control of my life. Rather than focusing on my education and friendships as most students might, my attention was centered on two things: when I ate, and when I went to the gym, the latter occurring far more frequently than the former. I would stay locked away in my dorm room for hours, agonizing over having eaten even the smallest morsel of food, and stuffing my gym clothes and sneakers into my bag alongside my notebooks and pens in preparation for the ritual of heading to the recreation center. I isolated myself from my friends, oftentimes turning down invitations to go to lunch or grab a coffee for fear of my shameful secret being revealed.

It took me having a massive panic attack in the hallway of my friend's dorm building to realize I needed to leave UMass. One minute I was sitting in the uncomfortable, hard-backed chair the school provided you with, agonizing over my linguistics homework, and the next, I was sobbing harder than I ever had before in my life, begging my mom to come get me and bring me home so that I could seek the treatment I so desperately needed.

Leaving was the most difficult decision I've ever made. Deciding to go to UMass was the simplest. One day my dad packed up my brother and I into his car, which would later be adorned with a sticker similar to the one on my mom's, reading "UMass Dad", and the three of us drove out to Amherst so I could catch my first glimpse of the place I hoped to call my home for the next four years. As the towers of Southwest began to enter my line of sight, I felt happiness zing through me from head to toe like I had been struck by lightning. As I saw the library and the old chapel, the feeling only intensified. I knew then and there that this was where I was meant to be.

UMass is where I met and made some of the greatest friends I've ever had. It's where I started to truly discover who I really was. It's where I was finally able to pursue my loves of writing and art with the full intention of making a career out of them, while also being able to expand my field of knowledge far more than I had ever dreamed. Each night before I fell asleep, I spent a moment looking out on the campus from my fourth floor window, unable to keep a smile from making its way onto my face. I felt like I was finally home.

College is supposed to be a time where you discover your identity. It's where you follow your heart and learn about the things that make you feel excited the way nothing else can. It's where you meet the people with whom you'll be glad to spend the rest of your life.

I can't wait to return to UMass for the Spring 2017 semester. I decided to defer returning in the fall because I worried it wouldn't allow adequate enough time for me to fully recover from my anorexia. This made me very sad, but also hopeful; if I can continue along the trajectory recovery has set for me, I will be able to come back to UMass and rediscover why my heart belongs there.