This week, the long awaited "Batman v. Superman" movie made its debut. Though many, many people have been counting down the hours until the release of this so-called cinematic masterpiece, I have not. The thing is, I'm not really a big superhero fan. I don't actually care at all. So when my parents told me that we were going to see "BvS" on Thursday night, I sighed audibly, asked the heavens why I was pained with such a torturous life, then decided I might as well make good use of my time in the theater by "live-tweeting" the movie. I present to you my review/thoughts/opinions/summary of (the first half of) Batman v. Superman, in the form of tweets.
WARNING: SPOILERS(ish).
1. 6:39 p.m. -- Four minutes in and I already have a headache from the obnoxious volume.
Honestly, who starts a movie with an "end-of-the-world" alien war?
2. 6:40 p.m. -- Why would a child stand under a falling metal beam, like, aren't they a little brighter than that?
Also, why is one single child in the middle of all this postwar destruction? Where are her parents? Why wasn't she in class? Should't she have been in class?
3. 6:40 p.m. -- I mean, I'd stand under a falling beam too if I meant Ben Affleck would be the one to save me.
Enough said.
4. 6:43 p.m. -- The marketing for this movie must've sucked considering I had absolutely no clue Amy Adams was in this.
She hasn't been relevant since "Enchanted."
5. 6:43 p.m. -- Oh God, I hope this isn't a "love triangle" kind of action movie.
I can't stomach a "Twilight"-esque plot again.
6. 6:43 p.m. -- OH. SHE'S LOIS.
Ah yes, that makes more sense.
7. 6:45 p.m. -- Superman looks like a 1950s suburban dad.
Who still uses that much hair gel?
8. 6:47 p.m. -- However, Superman disguised as an everyday man looks much better.
Again, enough said.
9. 6:48 p.m. -- Ugh, typical "I'm dating a superhero" relationship problems.
Honestly Amy Adams, get it together.
10. 6:48 p.m. -- OH WAIT STOP THAT WAS CUTE #Bathtub.
Because who doesn't love when their superhero boyfriend climbs in their bath to give them a kiss?
11. 6:49 p.m. -- Discount Chris Pine as a police officer.
Seriously DC, you could afford that much CGI but you couldn't afford the real Chris Pine?
12. 6:52 p.m. -- Bat-fleck (Ben Affleck's new nickname) seems kinda moody.
Why is he still stuck in his "emo teen" phase?
13. 6:53 p.m. -- Why is Alfred so young?
He looks like a slightly aged Robert Downey, Jr.
14. 6:53 p.m. -- Bat-fleck is "silver fox" goals.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
15. 6:54 p.m. -- Jesse Eisenberg seems like the summer camp counselor you hope you don't get stuck bunking with.
Yikes.
16. 6:55 p.m. -- I think Mrs. Incredible is this movie's villain.
How did they score Elastigirl?!
17. 6:59 p.m. -- Shoot, or maybe it's Camp Counselor Jesse.
It's really up in the air at this point.
18. 7:01 p.m. -- Bat-fleck has the exact same facials as he did in "Gone Girl." SMH.
Still waiting for Amy Dunne to pop up.
19. 7:03 p.m. -- I sense a budding romance between Mrs. Incredible and Camp Counselor Jesse.
Aww, how precious.
20. 7:05 p.m. -- Bat-fleck pays the rents a visit. How emotional.
21. 7:06 p.m. -- JUMP SCARE, JUMP SCARE, JUMP SCARE.
I almost peed my pants at this part. Almost.
22. 7:09 p.m. -- Is Jesse Eisenberg being Lex Luthor supposed to mean something to me? I don't even know who Lex Luthor is.
I still don't really know. Oh well.
23. 7:15 p.m. -- I'm supposed to believe Superman was able to get all the way to Juarez in a matter of moments?
OK. That seems fake, but OK.
24. 7:25 p.m. -- This movie is very biased in the favor of Superman, just saying. Cut Bat-fleck a break, guys.
Honeslty. Bat-fleck isn't the bad guy, he's just a lil' misunderstood.
25. 7:26 p.m. -- Oh look, the Flash showed up. Charming.
Who invited him and why is he yelling at me?
26. 7:30 p.m. -- So, none of these guys have notice the giant Batman on the top of the crane?
Are they blind? How are they so oblivious to the huge white dude in what looks like a Halloween costume?
27. 7:35 p.m. -- Superman is acting like the babysitter who takes their job way too seriously and tries to parent everyone. SMH.
Honestly dude, just because you look like a dad doesn't mean you need to act like one.
28. 7:36 p.m. -- "The bat's dead." OK, Dad.
Someone's moody.
29. 7:36 p.m. --- Oh look, Camp Counselor Jesse's back. Just what I needed.
Thank God.
30. 7:41 p.m. -- Protestor sign: "Superman = illegal alien." Is this a Trump rally?
And that's all I have for you! Though there are many, many more tweets that continue to the end of the movie, I don't want to spoil everything for you. I hope you all enjoyed this -- I know I had a blast with it!
