The school year is over, and I've lost many friends to the real world, while I'm still in college, partying more than studying, hitting on girls more than studying. I have pretty much put fun in front of my future. As kids we all played on the playground, but as we grow older, we realize that we can't play on the playground forever.
Growing up is always a struggle, no matter who you are. There are the blunder years in middle school, and the time where you think you know it all in high school. I was just like that, I thought I had it all figured out, but I was wrong. It was a warm August morning and I was a freshman in high school. Finally, a time to forget all about the awkward years of middle school. It was a new year, a new beginning. This would be the perfect chance for me to change myself. I had a good amount of friends, but I wouldn’t call any of them my best friend.
First period was a breeze. Then came second. This was when I first met her. Let’s call her Anna, because that’s her name. Anna was a stunner. She was about 5’3 with light brown hair and glowing green eyes. We did not know at the time, but we would soon become the best of friends. We had three classes together, all back to back. It started as a casual friendship. We would walk to classes together and just talk about random things on our mind. As time went on, we became closer. Like any person, I thought to myself, “Here’s my chance.” I asked her out on a date.
She said no. Apparently someone had asked her out earlier that day, and as it turns out, she'd had a major crush on that guy for a long time. I thought, that’s fine, they knew each other for a while already. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. So I decided to move on. At least I wanted to, anyway. There may have been plenty of other fish in the sea, but I wanted that one fish. Once you've had a taste of some high quality salmon, you wouldn't want to eat a sardine or something.
I couldn’t stand seeing them together, so I decided to distance myself from them. At the time, it seemed like a fantastic idea. I did not have to see or hear any of their lovey-dovey romantic shit. But not all was well in my life. I still thought of her quite often. And I would wonder to myself, “Why?” But, in time, they broke up. Score. I’m in.
In hindsight, it was a bad idea to pick up a girl right after she had broken up with someone. But as a high school male, I didn’t really care. All I knew was that the goal was right in front of me, and I was ready to score. I missed. She said no, because apparently girls have feelings. Who knew? I sure as hell didn’t. That’s all fine and dandy. I’ll just wait a month or two. Or a week. A week sounded fantastic.
I waited five days. Just enough time for her to mourn for a bit. I asked her on a date and she yes. “I’m the best, everyone else is trash,” I was in, I was as happy as can be. The feelings, however, were not mutual. She was happy, but she wasn’t happy. Well this just sucks, I thought to myself. We have fun together and all that jazz, but she did not seem generally happy. The struggle is real. Here I am, actually having the time of my life, and she is almost having the time of her life. It's fine, she’ll get over it eventually.
As time went on, she got over it. Just like I knew she would. We spent every waking moment together. When we weren’t together, we were either talking on the phone or texting one another. We even wrote notes and passed them to each other in class. As all relationships go, it wasn’t perfect. We had our fights like every other couple does. But the fights were not little. Even if it was something trivial, it just exploded into a useless argument. We had a fight about straightening hair. It pretty much ended with me calling her a liar and her not talking to me for a week. That’s how stupid it was.
But, it was all worth it. At least that’s what I thought. Then my report card came in the mail. Picture this: a young, innocent Asian boy opens his report card and finds out that he got his first ever C. My parents went ballistic. I went ballistic. I have always been a straight A student. Something must have been wrong. I was an honor student, a genius. Well as luck would have it, I figured out the problem. I was spending too much time with Anna. Now, here’s the problem I faced. Should I continue the relationship and risk my grades, and potentially my future happiness? Or should I end it now before it gets worse, and secure (probably) a stable and happy future. I thought, if I don’t get good grades, I might not even be able to make it to college. And well, other than that things were not looking too hot between us.
I could either continue the relationship with Anna, or I had to end it. Let’s be real here. It was the middle of sophomore year. I waited pretty much an entire year for her. I was there if she needed someone to talk to. She was my best friend. I worked hard for this. I deserved this. We were perfect for each other. On the other hand though, I was in high school. I had my whole life in front of me. Why should I risk it on something that might not even last? I honestly did not know what to do. I wanted to talk to some friends about it, but I didn’t want them to accidentally tell her.
In hindsight, I probably should have just talked to her about it. But, I didn’t. I wrote a letter and stuck it in her locker. I ended the relationship. I stopped talking to her completely and avoided her. We had lockers near each other, so it was a bit awkward. We still saw each other in the hallway and we would both avert our eyes. Apparently she cried for a week straight. High school was fun.
As luck would have it, we still continued to have classes together. We did not talk to each other at all, even if it was a group project. Eventually I got over it, I just did not care anymore. But I don’t think she ever got over it. I was fine with that. I was the bad guy in the scenario anyways.
Looking back, do I believe I did the right thing? Sure, I enjoy my life right now. I have fantastic friends and go to a fantastic school, while she goes to a small state school. Other than that, I have no idea. It may seem like I’m a little salty, because I am, but just a little bit. Sometimes I think it’s my fault that she ended up that way, and it might be true, but we had to part eventually. I still keep the little notes we passed to each other during class in a little box in my room and sometimes I think to myself, What if?
Now, I am about to embark on the final chapter of my school career. And I still am struggling with the same similar problems. I still need to grow up. I can't play on the playground forever. It's time I grow up for myself, how about you?
