Trust. Trust. Trust... what exactly is it? It is a very complex verb. To trust someone is extremely difficult, I believe. Trust involves ripping your heart out and tearing it open for another to see, and it's hoping that the individual watching you pour out from the soul you unveiled will not walk away, or worse, sell tickets for others to see you bleed.
Some people do not trust at all. Some trust too much. I trust too much. I envisioned every stranger I met as a friend, I opened myself up to them, I let them see me, showed enough of myself so they may understand me, and it worked in some cases. However, in others, they ripped my heart up. They did not undo themselves in front of me the way I did in front of them.
And I am not angry. I did this to myself. I was so ready to make people my friends, so desperate for the amicable faces surrounding me, and I did not see that not everyone sees me being so open as a good thing. Some people do not trust. Some people do not share. They do not mean to hurt me, but I hurt myself.
I am so easily trusting, viewing the word as something so simple when the one syllable packs more of a punch than I expected. Trust is a two way street, but for some reason I believe that I can pave both roads. I feel like I can make a connection happen, make a friendship work, be the person that my friend will immediately look to...but I have not achieved that.
I have long awaited to be someone's number one, the only person he or she needs. I made everyone my number one; however, and I expected the same from everyone in return. I worked so hard to be this person, and I have only found a way to get hurt from it when feelings of trust aren't mutual.
So here is how I am going to fix it: I am not going to try to change myself. Trying to change something so ingrained in your psyche is difficult and I have enough adapting to my personality to do already. What I am going to do is learn that my number one is myself. I cannot just rely on someone to build a connection with before I can build a connection with myself. I will not go find shelter in a stranger's home only to be kicked out, for I have the tools and the means to build a home for myself.
Yes, I can still be trusting, but now I must learn the meaning of the word. It is so much more, it has many more roots, and it is not something only one set of hands can build between two people. It is a process made naturally. It is a step by step kind of thing. I cannot turn people into homes, for I will become homeless. People, who want trust between us, will turn into homes for me. They will open their doors.
Until then, I need to get up and start crafting my own home.
