As a self-proclaimed nervous person throughout all of my life, it's in my bones to worry. I have to handle everything myself. I have absolutely never, and probably never will, be known as someone who goes with the flow. Basically, I'm a perfectionist who has to have a page-long plan for every move I make.
Throughout high school I worried myself sick about maintaining a perfect grade point average. After graduation, I worried about my grades in college. I worried I wasn't applying myself enough. I worried I wasn't on the right track. I worried I wasn't doing what I was created to do.
Within the last few months, my occasional stressing has turned into daily gut-wrenching anxiety.
The scariest thing about anxiety is that no one knows what is going on in your head. If I didn't talk about it, my friends and family would have no idea that I'm going through one of the hardest times mentally that I have ever gone through. No one would have any idea that I'm severely struggling with self-esteem, that I feel unmotivated, that I don't feel like I'm progressing. Without my vocalization of my anxiety, no one would have any clue that I am unhappy.
I've been to the doctor, I've changed my diet, I've started exercising, I've tried meditating, yoga, and all of the above and nothing has changed. I still worry so much my stomach aches, I still have constant headaches, I'm still having anxiety attacks a few times a week.
I had almost accepted my fate as an unhappy, anxiety-ridden person until I came across a quote while trying to cheer myself up during a "down day".
"Sometimes God let's our life fall apart so we can finally let him help us rebuild it in a more beautiful way."
Have you ever had a stomach-dropping, awe inspiring moment with God? When you need it most, you can hear Him even when you aren't listening for His words. I know this quote is God's way of telling me to get it together. I know this quote is His way of telling me I will never live a fulfilling life unless He is the center, and lately for me He hasn't been. I have fallen out of the place where I am supposed to be with God.
I believe when you neglect your responsibilities as a christian, you're leaving room for the enemy to take control of your life. That is exactly what has happened in my situation. It has become hard to pray, concentrate in church, read the word, speak about my faith, and to even feel His presence because somewhere in the middle of life, I decided to put my faith on the back burner.
Lately, my life has felt impossible. I have felt hopeless, but through it all, I have known this life is not the one I was created to live. I was created to be happy and carefree. I was created to be kind and hopeful. All these things I was created to be come from putting God first and worries second.
Even though these last few months have felt horrible, I am thankful for them. Had God allowed me to continue feeling happy, I wouldn't have been searching for the root of my problem.
