Last month I was hospitalized due to a benign brain tumor. Fortunately, it is completely treatable and I will be perfectly fine in the span of a few months. With tumors on my mind (both literally and figuratively), I noticed an odd trend in media: the recurring trope of the sentient tumor come to life. For some reason, there are a multitude of malignant half-formed beings in fiction who have personalities and desires of their own. Let's a take look at this oddly specific trope and perform a diagnostic ranking of the little cancerous fellas.

1. "How to Get Ahead in Advertising"

"How to Get Ahead in Advertising" is a 1989 British comedy from writer/director Bruce Robinson. It stars Richard E. Grant as Denis Bagley, a neurotic advertising executive who grows a large boil on his shoulder due to the stress of his current advertising case. As Bagley is plagued by the ethical dilemmas of his work, the boil grows a face and begins voicing cynical new opinions on the advertising world in contrast to Bagley's ethics. It soon becomes a battle of wills as the boil grows larger and more caustic, threatening to overtake control of Bagley altogether. The film is not particularly subtle in its satire of the advertising industry, but fans of British comedy will surely be amused by Robinson's acerbic wit and Grant's keenly deranged dual performance as the "good" Bagley and the "evil" boil persona.

2. "Basket Case"

"Basket Case" is a 1982 horror comedy film from writer/director Frank Henenlotter. It stars Kevin Van Hentenryck as Duane Bradley, an unassuming everyman who travels to New York City to be reconnected with his twin brother, Belial. His twin brother, however, is a deformed conjoined twin who was forcibly separated through surgery at a young age. The two brothers want to be reunited and have their revenge on the surgeons who separated them. Henenlotter delivers a particularly sleazy slice of 1980s NYC horror in this scrappy shoestring-budget effort. It may be a bit rough around the edges for some, but it offers the undeniably unique appeal of watching a fleshly stop-motion lump trash a motel room like the carnival geek cousin of Jan Svankmajer.

3. "Total Recall"

"Total Recall" is a 1990 science fiction/action film from "Robocop" director Paul Verhoven. The film follows Arnold Schwarzenegger as Douglas Quaid, a construction worker in the year 2084 who becomes embroiled in a convoluted government conspiracy on Mars, which may or may not all be part of a botched dream implanted in Quaid's mind by an artificial memory manufacturing service. Amidst all the Arnie one-liners and gonzo gore, the movie finds time to grace us with one of cinema's strangest characters, the vestigial psychic twin, Kuato. This gnarled little midriff malignancy only shows up briefly to give Quaid some expository information, but his raspy voice and Chucky doll-esque appearance lingers in the mind as one of the iconic images in a movie already chock full of weird science fiction imagery.

4. "The Manitou"

"The Manitou" is a 1978 horror film based on the Graham Masterton novel of the same name. It stars Susan Strasberg as Karen Tandy, a woman who is admitted to the hospital with a large tumor on her neck. The tumor is quickly revealed to be harboring life like a growing fetus. This life form, specifically, is the reincarnated spirit of a 17th century Native American medicine man, who has inexplicably chosen Tandy as a host for rebirth. The race is on as Tandy's doctors, her psychic boyfriend (Tony Curtis, really slumming it in this one), and a 20th century Native American medicine man prepare to do battle with the malicious magical being growing rapidly on the back of the young woman's neck. It is every bit as outlandish, moronic, and culturally insensitive as you would expect a film like this to be, and there is almost a certain charm to its dogged committment to its own goofy premise. If you want a movie with a killer Native American medicine man popping out of a woman's neck like an alien chestburster, this is the one to check out.

5. "Army of Darkness"

"Army of Darkness" is the third installment in the long running "Evil Dead" horror-comedy franchise. This film finds intrepid hero Ash Williams stranded in medieval Europe after a magical time travel mishap. While travelling the countryside to find the Necronomicon, a powerful spellbook, Ash's shoulder becomes possessed by dark forces and spawns an eyeball, which quickly grows into a separate body that detaches from Ash. This fleshy doppelganger soon turns out to be an evil twin of sorts, and begins rallying an up an army of the undead. Evil Ash is by far the most accomplished of any cinematic tumor offspring, successfully growing a full body and sentience independent of his host. Plus, he gets to wear a skull helmet, and that is pretty darn cool.