In general, I have not had a whole lot of experience with healthy relationships. I feel like a lot of twenty-something year-olds find themselves struggling with this. When it comes to my family, my brother has been verbally abusive, and at times, physically abusive. My mother is too passive to actually acknowledge the abuse I was receiving from my brother, and although my dad was my hero, he didn’t step in much either. Some of my other relatives are very loud, and yell for almost no reason, but to a child, it always feels like your fault.
In friendships I have always found myself getting hurt. Like, really hurt. I put everything I have into almost every friendship I have ever encountered, I will answer your calls at 3 A.M., pick you up drunk, save you from a boyfriend, talk you through suicidal thoughts, listen to you vent about a boyfriend/girlfriend/mom/dad, visit/pick you up from jail, anything really. I never turn my phone off just in case someone needs me. I put anything and everything I have into all my friendships and this unfortunately leads to me being hurt. I have let numerous friends live in my house with me, and some of those friends turned out to be abusive as well.
Most of the men I have had in my life, friends, family, or romantic have been allusive, abusive or just plain not there. My romantic relationships are a mirror to how my brother has treated me, abusive. I have heard a boyfriend call me nearly every name, put me down, call me stupid, tell me I’m fat, worthless, and a bitch (or worse). I learned through the relationship with my brother, and a lack of my parents never stepping in to protect me, that this is how men will treat me. This has made it difficult as an adult to choose to live my life with healthy relationships. This has taught me, I have to distance myself from some family members to protect myself, and my mental health. I have had to end romantic relationships running as fast as I could, never looking back, and then going to the hospital to address the injuries. I have had to leave friends behind because I was putting in more than I was getting. Although, I understand not all relationships can be 100 percent on both sides, what I have learned is that I am too sensitive to accept “when it’s convenient for you.”
In romantic relationships I have discovered I require more time than most are willing to put in, so I need to be extra selective in my picking process. I have also learned to decide what I require out of a relationship, what I am will to compromise on, and what is an absolute no. It is very difficult to learn to live your life with healthy relationships, especially if you have very little experience; but everything has a learning curve and I believe I am working toward a healthy future. To set yourself up for success, you have to learn what you need out of every relationship. Relationships will naturally evolve in time, the more you learn about a person generally the closer you will get with them. But, in my opinion, boundaries are your friend. Protect yourself first and foremost. Teach yourself what you need and don’t accept any less.
