Have you ever done something really, really adult? Well done—we salute and envy you. Keep it up and you'll be the talk of the town in no time. Maybe you already are. If so, this article isn't for you. It's for everyone else—the people who could very well live their entire lives attempting to do what you have done, only to be greeted with failure and disappointment every time. Fear not, failures, for there is good news: you can probably just fake it 'til you make it. Here are ten things adults like to do, and here's how you can do them, too!
1. Protect yourself from spills at a restaurant.
You know that cloth napkin on your table? Take it, unfold it, and drop it on your lap. Look around quickly and make sure no one saw anything. Now, in addition to protecting yourself from spills, you'll look like someone who knows how to behave at a nice restaurant. Therefore, you'll look like someone who frequents nice restaurants on a regular basis! Nice restaurants are super adult.
2. Go bird-watching.
Step outside and go for a short walk. But wait...what is that horrible racket? It's loud and piercing, and it's capable of causing migraines. Look for the source. It seems to be coming from the trees, but it's difficult to be sure. Go inside and get some binoculars, then take another look. Of course...birds are the culprits. Now, you can plot your revenge. However, to anyone else, it'll just look like you're bird-watching. How many young adults have ever been in your shoes?
3. Drink alcohol.
"This fruit punch tastes a little weird, but I'm pretty sure that's because I brushed my teeth recently. Oh, there's alcohol in it, you say? Adults drink alcohol, don't they? I'm not an adult or anything—it was just a coincidence." How smooth! You'll have everyone convinced.
4. Get to class on time.
Let's say you occasionally lose track of time while watching Netflix. More specifically, let's say you've been known to start watching Netflix at midnight, and fall asleep (still watching Netflix) around 5 a.m. If you have an 8 a.m. class, you can make this work in your favor. Simply watch Netflix until 6 a.m., then get ready for class and get going! You might even show up early. How impressive!
5. Get a job doing something you love.
Become really good at something, and start doing it regularly. It can be anything—painting, writing, fixing cars, or even singing. When someone approaches you and asks if you'd be interested in a job relating to that particular thing you're good at, take it, and laugh to yourself. Suckers—you'd have done it for free!
6. Donate to the Salvation Army.
Take some money out of your wallet as you approach the store, and watch in horror as the wind snatches it right out of your hands. You chase it, but in vain; it finally drops into the Salvation Army volunteer's bucket. How coincidental!
7. Pay your bills on time.
Get really drunk—you know, on that adult alcohol stuff we talked about earlier—and log into your credit card account to see if you have enough credit for a big, stupid, unnecessary purchase you've been drunkenly planning on. Instead, accidentally click on the option that mentions "recurring payments." Then, fall asleep. When your next bill is due, you won't have to lift a finger. How clever!
8. Learn something new.
Netflix, as it turns out, has a section entitled "Documentaries." What the heck is a documentary, though? Who knows! If you're really bored, you might choose to click on one of these so-called "documentaries" and let it play as background noise to your Internet browsing so you still meet your Netflix quota for the day. Beware—as rumor has it, documentaries are often full of information.
9. Help an old lady cross the street.
You're waiting at a busy intersection, and a slow-moving older woman comes along. Before you know it, her knit sweater gets stuck on your bag. But it's too late—the light at the crosswalk has changed, and you can't afford to wait again. Off you go, ushering your new friend right along with you. How helpful!
10. Donate some clothing.
You had a little too much of that adult alcohol. Actually, way too much. You woke up in an alley, and there's vomit on your shirt. You hate the smell of vomit, so you rip your shirt off and look for somewhere inconspicuous to put it. After running around town for nearly twenty minutes, you find a large bin in a parking lot. You throw it in there and try to find your way home.
