This year has been incredibly difficult in terms of handling (more so dealing with) the grief over losing my mother. She passed away on December 11th, 2013 - my dark day. And ever since then, it's been a process of attempting to salvage, to handle, to delve into the massive amount of grief that is sure to follow. This semester in particular, it has been very difficult for me to have a string of days with the grief. Every day is something different - and every day I'm evaluating what state of mind I am in with where I am in the patterns of my grief.

And this year, on her birthday (September 18th), it became even more increasingly difficult to, not only go through the certain motions and emotions of the day, but also it felt even more difficult to celebrate the life of this beautiful woman - the woman who gave me quite possibly everything I could've wanted in life. This was supposed to be a day about her - about her life, about the accomplishments she made, but it felt so impossible to do so. Every year since her death, I made a ritual of the day. Solemnly celebrating, often alone, by getting a cake from Dairy Queen or Meijer, watching a movie or eating her favorite food. And because of situations outside of my control, it was even more difficult to do so. I bought a cake, yes. But with no one else around to celebrate it, it felt almost wrong to offer it to anyone else.

You see, my grief is VERY personal to me. As it is to most people. But, I don't share that with most people. Yes, I am sitting here, writing an article for all the world to see. But I feel so private within the realm of The Odyssey. The people closest to me rarely see me fall and crumble, I've kept up this wall for so long that breaking them down is beyond impossible. I let down my walls around my two closest friends - and they've been there for me every step of the way during this journey. Comforting me, letting me cry and often holding me in my weakest moments. And not having them around to help me celebrate made the day that much more sad.

I wanted to celebrate her, to bring light to her and to make everyone aware of the wonderful woman she was. And her birthday fell at such a weird time for me. You see, on Friday the 16th, I received my acceptance into the Disney College Program - a thing we had been planning from day one at Otterbein. I felt like she should've been here to celebrate in this grand day, in the fact that I had finally made it, that all of my dreams were coming true, you know? That everything was FINALLY happening for me, and when I realized that her birthday fell the week that acceptances came out, I don't know it just, it made me so incredibly sad.

I'm not one to talk about my emotions, ever. But this semester has been rough - often times, I find myself crying in my room because of all the big changes that are happening. I'm a senior in college. A senior at the college that my mother pushed me to attend - the one who made it all happen. I'm in my last semester on campus. I graduate at the end of April. I move to Orlando in January to begin my lifelong journey with the Walt Disney Company - a company I've wanted to work for since I was seven years old. A company my Mom and I had made plans with from the day she took me to Disney World for the first time and the woman who wanted all this to happen is not here to witness all the accomplishments I've made -- and this really really f*cking sucks, ya know?

I look around me and see people with parents - complaining about something that their Mom or Dad did and that pisses me off more than words can say. I'm angry about the fact that BOTH my parents aren't here to witness my accomplishments and you're complaining? I'm sorry, I'm not here for a pity party but MY GOD PLEASE STOP. Like I know you don't understand and don't know my situation because I don't have it stamped across my face, but some people are not as lucky as you. So please, I beg of you - cherish the time you have with your parents. Hold them a little tighter, hug them a little closer, love them a little more. And please don't fight with them. Please. You never know when they could be taken away from them - because it could happen unexpectedly, as it happened with my Mom.

And when her birthday fell last Sunday, I felt so selfish. I made it about me - making it a point to celebrate me and I didn't focus on her. I didn't give her the attention she needed, and I have failed her as a daughter. I didn't make her famous casserole (because my kitchen was being occupied and I didn't wanna make a show). I didn't cut the cake with people around. I didn't have someone else here to celebrate, and that fact hurts me so so so much. I'm trying to cherish each moment that I have, and I'm trying to make the most of my life...and celebrating her, and her birthday was something I've been celebrating since she passed away - it was supposed to be a day of emotional grievances, and giving a light to the darkness that has swallowed me whole.

But I neglected that - and I'm grappling with that fact. I know it's out of my control, but her birthday was special. She was the woman who gave me everything and more, and I'm sorry for not celebrating you better Mom. You gave me everything, you gave me a life I couldn't have asked for. You treated me like the perfect daughter - even though I'm furthest from it. You pushed me in the direction of my dreams when I wasn't even realizing it. You did everything right, and you gave me 19 wonderful years that I'll never forget.

And thank you for that - for being you, for being wonderful, for being the best Mom in the world. I love you beyond words. I miss you more than I can say.

And Happy 53rd Birthday, Momma. I truly mean it. You deserved more and I am ashamed I couldn't give that to you. You are loved. I love you. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you daily. You are my Mom, forever and always.