Birthdays, Holidays and other important events in life are often viewed as a time of celebration and happiness, but what if these moments bring up memories or sadness that has been hidden underneath the surface.
When dealing with grief your own birthday, not just your loved ones can be hard. Special days like these are a reminder that they cannot be here to share these moments with you, and for me, I think about the last birthday I got to spend with my mom before she passed away. It was my thirteenth birthday, and almost a month before she took her life.
As far as holidays go, when you are in the presences of your family it is often very prevalent that your loved one is not physically there. Maybe they were the one who always cooked, said grace before the meals, or just made the holidays a bit more special. As Chris Daughtry said in Gone Too Soon, “Today could have been the day, everybody was laughing, instead I just sit here and cry.”
One detail I've noticed, especially when I am on my mother’s side of the family is her presences. I can tell she is with us and be watching down. Although this helps to know she is there in spirit, it still hurts. It hurts knowing she is not there to make everyone smile, to help out even when people told her to sit down, and things are always a little messier as she is not there to clean up.
These events and milestones in life can also be challenging if you or someone you love is struggling with mental illness.
This year was my sixteenth birthday and to be completely honest, I have never been less excited to see my birthday arrive. While I am proud that I made it to this point, there is guilt and hopelessness that trails behind me.
I notice when I am with friends and family while they are laughing and having a good time, I sit there trying to absorb the laughter and happiness forcing myself to laugh and join in, even when I know it is not genuine. But all that really matters is if they think I am “happy” again right…? Because it is easier to act happy or reply with "I am just tried" when asked how I am doing. While of course in life there are times when we must hold back our emotions because it is not the correct time to show those feelings but you can still learn to acknowledge those feelings. Laughing and joining in is polite and makes those around you feel like you value their presences but it doesn’t have to be a lie. Even on the worst days, whether or not you can see it, there is joy within you… it never leaves. It is okay to let those you feel comfortable around know how you are feeling, and if you are not comfortable in a situation, remove yourself.
For me the sadness hit the night before, as I sat in my bed the thoughts were overwhelming. I had made a promise to myself after I got out of the hospital, that I was going to make it till my sixteenth birthday no matter how hard the fight may be. I repeated the promise in my head, I was almost about to make it and I knew there was still hope even though I could not see it. Today as I am writing this, I am proud to say I have kept that promise, even when there were times I wanted nothing more than to end the pain.
Standing in my room alone, getting ready for the day, I couldn’t help but look at all of my cuts and scars. Each and every one of them standing out for me to see and I began to cry. “When did I get like this?” “Why do I act this way?” yet, day after day I continue to make that choice.
Ways to Cope When These Emotions Arise:
- Write about how you are feeling. This could be in the form of poetry, a journal entry, a blog post, or simply your thoughts written on a piece of paper.
- Draw. Drawing is a great coping skill, even if you are not artistic. For me, I write in cursive then make it look fancy. Simply scribbling can help to release emotions.
- Make a gratitude journal. Write down five or more things that were positive about your day and five of more negative events or emotions you experienced.
- Listen to your favorite music or song. This can be happy or sad, let yourself absorb the words and focus on the music and that time to yourself.
- Reach out to those around you. If you feel comfortable enough sharing your feeling this can be very helpful. Others might have experienced some of the same feelings you are or if not, they can lend a listening ear and support you during this time.
- Be kind to yourself. Practice self-care even if it is hard to do so. Make time of yourself, treat yourself to coffee or your favorite food, go on a walk, take a nice warm bath or shower, practice mindfulness and maybe even do some meditation and/or yoga.
Always remember to be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to accept your own emotions without pushing them down. You will make it through this, I promise and I believe in you. You matter and your spirit and hope are what we need more of in this world, not less.
