When little kids hear that you’re 20 years old, they think you have your entire life together. They expect that you pay bills, change your sheets every two weeks and that you know exactly who you are and where you’re going.
Well, I turned 20 last month, and I still feel like a sheep in wolf’s clothing.
I thought that because it was the first year after turning 13 that my age no longer ended in “teen,” I should be a fully-functioning, independent human.
But I still felt like the same playful, frenzied person I’ve always been. I believed that even though I was officially 20 years old, I wasn’t 20 “enough.” A simple number made me cringe because I felt like I wasn’t living up to the expectations that it embodied.
As much as I wanted to feel like an adult, I was still holding onto things that were considered childish. This became blatantly obvious when my roommates decorated my room with a happy birthday banner that featured Olaf from Frozen. I loved it.
If I was the 20 I always imagined I’d be, I would be on top of the world. I’d work out every morning, throw out the Walmart sweatpants I love to wear to class, and have polished post-graduation plans.
These romantic idealizations were disrupted by a harsh reality. I am 20, yet only beginning to feel equipped to handle the world around me. I still don’t know exactly what I want to do with my life. I have a job, and I’m in school working towards my degree, but the future still seems far away.
But that’s okay. It’s normal to be both scared and excited.
I've realized that it’s okay to love Disney movies and forget to do laundry every now and then (all the time, who am I kidding). I am transitioning between stages in my life, and this year just marks another year of becoming who I want to be.
Twenty doesn’t mean you have to boring. Twenty doesn’t mean your inner child has withered away. A number can’t dictate who you are. A number doesn’t magically change your habits and transform you into a different person. As you experience the world and engage in conversation with diverse minds, you change and mature. You will outgrow parts of yourself, but you don’t need to abandon bits of your personality because of the birth date printed on your license.
I’m 20 years old. It’s not too old to have sleepovers with my friends and it’s not too young to work hard and get things done. I’m young enough to chase my dreams and old enough to make them happen. I’ll spend hours in the library and update my LinkedIn profile, but I’ll also come home, eat an entire box of Mac & Cheese, and binge-watch Shameless in my underwear.
Twenty is all about you. Twenty is what you make it.
